Yes, I was sadder than sad. Afraid. A bit panicked. But I had no idea I was depressed even though I should have expected it. To me, I was just "okay."
Everyday, I got up and went to work. I took care of my son. I continued trying to write novels, although found it a little more difficult to concentrate. I social networked, although maybe curtailed it a bit. This was my view of my life. Overall everything seemed relatively normal to me. And every time someone would ask me how I was doing, I would say, "I'm okay."
My dad knew better.
He's been keeping an ultra eagle eye on me through all of this, especially since I began my post-surgery recovery, and I couldn't figure out why. When he'd ask how I was doing and I would tell him "I'm okay," he would say, "No, really, how are you doing?" I now realize he saw in me what I didn't.
If depression can happen to me it can happen to anyone. And the thing is, you don't always know you're in that dark place until you return to the the light again. But as I look back on this period in my life, these are a few signs that I should have realized signaled something wasn't quite right with the state of my mental.
1. Insomnia. If you can't sleep, even with a sleep aid, you might be depressed. I had problems sleeping. Even taking Percocet!I went to bed exhausted. Woke up in the middle of the night. Sat up for hours. And usually fell asleep right before my natural body clock was preparing to wake me up. The lack of sleep was really the first part of the depression cycle for me...everything else kind of went downhill from there.
2. Lack of energy. If you don't have the energy to go about your usual day, you might be depressed. For me, every day was a slog. I thought I was just exhausted from the lack of sleep but now I realize that my lack of energy was probably part of the whole avalanche effect that comes with depression. You're depressed so you can't sleep. You can't sleep so you have no energy and the couch becomes your best and worst friend.
3. Emotionally Withdrawn. If you don't want to socialize or talk to people (and you usually do), you might be depressed. My friends and family would call to check on me and I couldn't talk. Not wouldn't talk, couldn't talk. The thing was I thought I couldn’t talk because I was tired and had no energy from the lack of sleep. No, mentally I was just in a dark place and didn't want to have to tell people I was "okay" when somewhere inside I felt like a hundred pounds of hot diarrhea. Bleck.
4. Over-eating or Under-eating. If you don't want food or want too much of it, you might be depressed. I'm an emotional eater anyway. So when I came out of surgery wanting to scarf down everything in front of me then I should have known something was off, especially with all the pain and medication. When I came home, I didn't want to eat at all. If my dad didn't come and prepare my meals, I probably wouldn't have eaten much of anything for the first few weeks. Didn't want food.
5. Irritable. If you're cranky with the ones you love you might be depressed. I was a big time cranky pants, snapping for no apparent reason. And I'm usually way more even-tempered...nice even. But between the pain from the surgery, the sleeplessness and the lack of energy, I thought a little crankiness was to be expected but as I come out of my slump I realize, no, I was really depressed.
6. Emotional Meltdown. When you overreact emotionally to something you'd normally take in stride, you might be depressed. Okay so the power went out in the house last week due to a freak storm. When the power came back on, I only had power in half the house. I'd never heard of such. So, immediately I thought the problem must be with my electrical system. And all I could think about was the thousands of dollars it would cost to hire an electrician and get the stuff replaced. When it rains it pours, and boy did I let it pour. I cried and cried and cried. But as I laugh about it today, I realize now I wasn't really crying about the electrical. It was the first time I had really good cry (even with my diagnosis) since my mother's funeral and the surgery.
7. Loss of focus/concentration. When I'm down in the dumps, I usually write my way out of it. Well, because of the above I couldn't focus well enough to do the one thing I love more than anything else I could do in this world. At that point, I should've known something was really wrong. Me not writing? Unheard of. In two years I haven't started. Thankfully my mojo is coming back--and you have this blog to prove it.
Experiencing one of these symptoms at a time may be tolerable. But experiencing most or all of them at the same time is a huge red flag. My cousin Mary Lou described depression as being "sneaky" and she is so right. It crept up on me without my even being aware. If you get a cut you bleed. Depression is not that clear cut. You have to be aware of your body’s warnings. If someone had told me (as my father tried to), that I was in a depression, I would've said "no, I'm okay." I wanted to share this blog because it might help someone else who is in the State of Denial on the State of their Mental. When we are dealing with stressful lives and traumatic situations, we have to be mindful of how we "really" feel. We may not be as "okay" as we think!
The Good News: I’m coming back
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What Doesn’t Kill You Will Only Make You Stronger!
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