She Said, We Said - The Thrill is Gone!

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey

Have known and been with my fiance for 3 years, been living together for 2 years.... we are both 25, have had ups/downs, but he says he wants to build a future w/ me. Recently one of his friends told me he's been lying about a lot of things. (He has a friend of 10+ years who is coincidentally a distant relative of mine, so this person is looking out for family, not causing problems)

Apparently the first year or two we were together he was still seeing and contacting exes, hitting on them and talking about how much he missed them, said all kinds of personal and insulting things about me every time we were having problems. He ALWAYS told me that he had NO contact with his exes, a few times one of them started calling him 5 times a week out of the blue and he PROMISED me he had no idea why, but it was bc he was still talking to her and making it sound like we were miserable and about to break up.

He was signing up on dating sites, making profiles where he listed himself as single, inviting other girls over (while we were living apart) to watch movies etc, kissed another girl at a party, the DAY AFTER my mom died unexpectedly he was at MY HOUSE writing to one of his exes on my laptop about how he "just got out of a relationship" and his life sucks (basically baiting her), etc.

This is all totally unbelievably sleazy and disturbing to me.... I confronted him about everything and he denied it all for a few months, but after being pretty much cornered he admitted to everything and said he "didn't know what he wanted" but that all stopped a year ago and now he just wants me.

WTF???

So my whole idea of our relationship is changed. I feel like I'd be f*cking myself over to marry or stay with this guy in the longrun. We have been really happy for the last year, talking about buying a home and having kids etc, but now I don't even want to look at him. He says I should be able to get past it because it was all over a year ago.

I thought he was what I wanted, he has a very good job, has made personal sacrifices for me, we have the exact same goals, everything important in common, I have never been as happy with anyone else but now it's just painful and sh*tty. Is it possible he really changed, and can this be worked through? :(

Signed

The Thrill is Gone!

We Said . . .

Dear Thrill is Gone,

Girl, we feel your pain. Always tough to find out the man you've invested your love, trust, and time into is a lying, cheating bastard. Hitting up exes, flirting with other women behind back, just being a total dawg. We hate dawgs. And it sounds like that's how you feel about him right about now. We don't blame you. You could walk away this minute and no one would blame you.

With that said, we have a few cold hard facts to share. First, we've never met a man who didn't lie. Never met one who didn't flirt behind their woman's back when they were unsure of how they felt about a relationship. If you break up with this one, nine times out of ten you're going to run into the same thing again with someone else. It's just a fact of life. The real question is whether the goodwill he's built over the last year is enough to overcome the two years he effed up. Is what you have with him today worth saving?

Normally, we would be the first to tell you to leave, but based on what you said, there is a small chance that he has changed for the better. There's only one way to find out though. Make him prove it. Actions speak louder than words. Is he being sneaky? Hiding his phone from you? Disappearing for lengths of time where he won't respond to you? Have you caught him in any lies? Does he respect you and take care of you? Do engage with his family and friends? Is he open with his feelings? Does he invest quality time in you? If the answer to any of these questions is negative, then you probably want to walk away. But if your answers are ALL positive, it may be that he's really learned his lesson and is trying to be the man you need him to be.

At the end of the day, you have to follow your heart. Don't stay if you can't forgive him. You will both be miserable and you'll be so full of resentment for his wrongdoings, you will be BOTH be unhappy. You don't want to make yourself unhappy for his mistakes. But if you can forgive--make him suffer--but then move on. Your love may be stronger for it in the end.

Best of luck to you.

If you have any questions for Rissey and Nisey, please contact us a SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

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Top Secret--For Men Only: Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win an Fight with Your Mate

Fellas, I'm gonna take a hit for this one, but--unlike Fox News--I'm fair and balanced. I pride myself on it.

If you ask most people how to win a fight with a woman, most women will simply say, "You can't." Women have so much trickery in their emotional toolboxes that when you defeat one tactic, she's got five more she can launch at any given moment. Most of the time, when men argue with women, the attempt to win only leads to anger, frustration, and ultimately defeat.

Well, I'm here to tell you that if you pull your balls out of your back pocket and heed my Top 5 tips for winning unfairly, your time to bask in the glow of sweet victory is just one good argument away.

1. Stand your ground, no matter how wrong you are. Don't waver for one iota of a second. And most importantly, don't be swayed by tears. Nothing frustrates a woman more than a man who won't bend to her will. We hire hit men for men like this. The longer you stand your ground, the more likely we are to fold in frustration and give you the silent treatment--and if she shuts up, you win, right? I would suggest you use a little caution with this method. Sleep with one eye open...and feed any food she cooks to the dog first...just in case.

2. Don't engage. Listen, an argument can only escalate if both parties feed into it. Otherwise, it's just one person having a psycho rant. If you don't want to argue, just say, "you win!" and walk away to fight another day. This will piss her off because she wants to EARN the title of winner, she doesn't want you to give it to her. She wants to outwit you and out talk you. Without a fight, she can't win. Plain and simple.

3. Abandon Logic. Fellas, fellas, fellas. Why do you try to use reason to argue with arguably some of the most emotional and irrational creatures on planet earth? You try to state facts to prove your case as if you're in a court of law, when reason doesn't carry any weight whatsoever in the court of girlfriend. Plain and simple fact. If she takes the subject off track, then you do the same. If she talks in circles, you talk in circles. She knows crazy when she hears it, she invented crazy. So, dishing crazy back to her will definitely make her take a moment's pause and frustrate her to the point where she gives up the fight.

4. Interrupt her...constantly. Stay stupid stuff. Laugh. Ooooh. Just thinking about it ticks me off, but it's effective. Nothing frustrates a woman more than her inability to share her complete thoughts. That frustration usually will end up in her giving up and giving you the silent treatment. You're argument won't be finished by a long shot but it will give you time to formulate a solid rebuttal when it's time to fight again.

5. Compare her to an ex-girlfriend or worse--her mother. Okay, if you want to know the negative effects of this tactic please see the last two sentences in Tip #1. You may not live to fight another day. Don't say I didn't warn you. But nothing will shut a woman down faster than tapping into her insecurities and comparing her to your past woman or the one woman she's sworn she'll never be like--her mother. We all want to think we're unique, special, and the only one you think about. Telling us we're like anyone--with the exception of maybe Oprah--will definitely throw her off guard so you can win the fight.

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Teen Said, We Said: He's Not Too Old for Me!

This is our first advice to a teenager. We're going to make this a new feature as letters become available.

Teen Said . . .

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I started dating a senior recently. I'm 14....he will be 18 in December. We used to talk like friends but then he asked me out and said he broke up with his previous senior girlfriend for me....so whenever I tell someone they think it's so weird for a freshman to date a senior. So can u tell me what so wrong??!! And I'm pretty sure he doesn't want sex considering the fact he's 6hrs away....and he doesn't want anyone to know but us two....which I agreed because I feel the same. But we [agreed that we] can tell close friends and when I did they gave me a weird look.....so please tell me what's so wrong about it??

Signed

He's Not to Old for Me

We Said . . .

Dear He's Not too Old,

Four years age difference isn't a lot in adult years but in the world of teens it makes more of a difference than you'll ever realize. It's partially about age, but it's more about maturity level. You are just beginning to understand boys and relationships and he's moving into adulthood, where he's not only going to explore mature relationships, he's moving onto the next phase of his life--work or college. And if he's not, you don't need to be bothered with that joker anyway.I would also like to add that in many (dare I say most) states, he can go to jail for engaging in sexual activity with a minor (statutory rape). So, your parents aren't the only ones who will oppose this match--the law agrees. This is likely the reason he wants to keep it a secret.

Understand that right now your body is surging with hormones and you probably won't think rationally until you turn forty. This is a fact to which we can personally attest. Everything is so urgent and you're so full of passion at 14. You want to be loved and adored--a boyfriend (not a man friend). And then who enters your life but this almost 18 year old guy giving you all the attention you think you want and need.

Think about this for a moment though. When he graduates and hopefully goes to college, what do you think will happen when he meets college girls and starts to party? Gets engrossed in his school work? Your relationship with all this fire and desire will end as fast as it started--he'll move on. You'll be brokenhearted and fall in love with another guy a week later (maybe two). This is just growing up and the way life is supposed to be.

Get off the love short bus, sweetie! Date people closer to your age. The closer they are to your age the more likely it is you'll be experiencing the same phases of your lives together. One person won't be way further ahead of the other. After you turn 18, you can date whomever you choose. For now, it's best to leave this guy alone and realize it's not the end of the world. Your life is just beginning. You've got a long way to go.

If you'd like Rissey and Nisey to answer your relationship question, please write us at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Top Secret--For Women Only : Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win a Fight with Your Mate (Pt. 1)

(Sorry, I'm off schedule, but I was forced to heed the call of the nine-to-five. Better late than never...right? :) Enjoy!)

You're in the heat of battle. You and your mate are going head-to-head and toe-to-toe in the ultimate battle for household supremacy. It's all out war. You've battened down the hatches and dug in your heels, determined that your crafty female guile will arm you well enough to help you emerge the victor. And to your surprise (because it doesn't happen often) he's getting the upper hand, making valid arguments and--OMG--has somehow managed to create the illusion that he's right and--dare I say it--you're wrong.

Oh we can't have that! No, no!

You hate to lose fights. You hate to be wrong. It's not in your genetic make up to apologize to a man for anything, no matter how wrong you may be. And I for one, don't think you should ever have to. Apologizing gives the illusion of fairness and balance. But I say women, as the givers of life to men and women alike, have the unmitigated right to win every argument. If mothers endure hours of painful labor to give birth to men--pushing a child the size of a cantaloupe out a tube the size of a cardboard toilet paper insert--every man owes it to her and every woman he ever comes in contact with to let them win arguments. Fair is fair.

Unfortunately, most men do not prescribe to this theory.

So, ladies, at the moment the moment you feel like you've nearly been argued into submission and are ready to concede the battle, here are 5 things you can do to swing the momentum back in your direction.

1. Cry. The oldest trick in the book and you don't need a real reason. Just cry. Nothing sucks the testosterone from the core of a man quite like watching water cascade down his woman's cheeks. While it usually only takes a few drops in the corners of your eyes to make him faulter, an all out waterfall with heaving will ensure you win this battle royale and might get you a dinner and a gift too. Men hate to see women they care about cry. Hate it. Why? Because they can't fix tears with a hammer, screwdriver, or any other way except to admit defeat. Gotta use this one sparingly ladies! Too many manipulative tears could eventually send him fleeing for the hills...or that cute new next door neighbor.

2. Dredge up the past. Oh, ye of many memories. Women are like mistake repositories. We might forgive...for the moment. But we never forget. We file the mistakes, especially the big ones, for future use. Like when we're at the losing end of the battle. No easier way to prove your case than to state and then restate the err of his past ways. He'll let you win just to get you to shut up and let it go. However, you must be careful not cast stones if your house can be cleaned with Windex. Glass houses are not only fragile...but unless you're blind, most people can see right though them.

3. Talk in circles. Blather, blather, blather. Be as confusing as possible. Be evasive. Change the subject multiple times so he forgets what you started arguing about in the first place. After a thirty minutes of this, he'll move mountains (or concede battles) so he won't have to hear voice saying any words that won't result in sex or dinner.

4. Stack the charges. Frequently we'll let our men off the hook for a small infraction when we're not in the mood to argue or fight. When you're losing a battle, this is the time to dig deeply into your repository and pull all unused material. If you can't win the fight with a good tactical argument, overwhelm him with so many he'll let you win out of sheer guilt.

5. You better call on Aunt Flo (sung in the voice of Erykah Badu). Yes, PMS is one of your best friends in an unfair fight. Men deplore the thought of women menstruating...or even the thought that they're about to. They know you're cranky, achy, bleeding profusely, and you plug things into places they once loved but now fear to tread. Bowl over in pain from cramps and they'll cower and run for three-to-five days. This should give you sufficient time to come up with an air-tight counter-argument and win another day!

Next up: Top Secret--For Men Only: Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win a Fight with Your Mate (I could lose my woman card for this...but fair is fair...)

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Weekly Words of Wisdom

"Your true soul mate will love the hurt away, not hurt the love away. " ~ Mama Tyson

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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She Said, We Said - Abused and Confused

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

Long story short, in 2007, I went out with a guy for 6 months and I was terrified for my life. I was beaten up almost every week and was told I was ugly, etc. Since then I have not been in another relationship but guys have shown their interest in me, and I turned them down because I'm scared. I'm now 22, please help me. I've also seen a psychologist to try and help but idk what else to do.


Signed

Abused and Confused

We Said...

Dear Abused and Confused,

Honey, why on God's green earth are you trying to rush into another relationship? The fact is, you shouldn't even be thinking about a relationship, rather you should be working on yourself to determine what inner issues you have that led you to get into a relationship with a guy who abused you. Until you resolve those issues, until you have forgiven him and yourself, until you've regained trust in your own instincts and gained confidence in yourself and your ability to choose the right people, until you have a life that does not revolve around whether or not you have a boyfriend, the LAST thing you need to do is get into a relationship with another person toting all this baggage.

We don't understand why it has become so taboo to take some time for yourself. We're not gonna lie, at your age we were idiots. Absolute idiots. If we had taken half the energy that we used to try and find a man to accomplish my own goals, we would be so much further ahead today than we are. Do you have a passion in life? Are you in school? Do you have other interests? Do you have a job? These are the things that you should be worried about right now. Don't try and find a man. Take a class. Go to church. Focus on getting your next promotion at work, or finding a new job that allows you to use the gifts God gave you.

This is the time to pour your energy into becoming a better you. You will find that when you focus your attention on yourself and you feel good about who you are, you won't have to try and find the right guy because he will find you. And you'll know he's a good person by how he treats. He won't seek to control you. He won't put you down. He'll honor and respect you. He will enhance your life, not try to run your life.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Until you understand your inner issues that allowed you to attract the abusive guy and keep him in your life, then, we can promise you one thing, you will continue to attract the same kind of abusive relationships over and over and over again. Period. You can't erase your past, but you can learn from it and move on.

Move onward and upward!

If anyone else has relationship issues you'd like us to address, please send your email to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Think You're Ready to Love Again? Answer These 6 Questions Before Taking the Leap

Maybe you've taken a break from dating for a while because you've been hurt. Maybe you're a recovering bum magnet who has taken the necessary time to heal your wounds so that you can be the best version of yourself when you begin a new relationship. Whatever your situation, your time off must include some time to assess whether you're really ready to get back in the game.

Far too frequently, you judge whether it's time to get back into a relationship based on whether someone is showing romantic interest in you or how you feel about someone else, rather than determining if you've really addressed your own issues sufficiently well enough to sustain a healthy relationship. Fact is, if you don't put the work in on those issues, you are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again. These issues are like dandelions. The only way to rid yourself of your emotional "weeds" is to kill them at the root, otherwise they will keep rearing their ugly heads until you do.

The following are 6 questions you must ask yourself (and answer honestly) before trying to start a new relationship.

1. Have you forgiven those who have caused you hurt in the past? When people do us wrong, we often have the tendency to hold onto our pain. We relive the hurt over and over again, as if our pain is more valid if we don't let it go. We fail to realize that we don't punish the other person, rather we punish ourselves by clinging to toxic feelings. Forgiveness is or us just as much or more than it is for those who wrong us. We have to embrace forgiveness to sustain happy relationships.

2. Do you communicate effectively? Can you listen without judging or attempting to turn your partner's words against them? Can you express your feelings without blaming or accusing your mate? In order to be in healthy happy relationships, we have to not only be able to speak our truths and share our feelings, but listen to what other people have to say--and listen without forming your rebuttal arguments to what they're trying to share.

3. Do you have a life? One of the worst things we can do as humans is make another person the absolute center of our universe. We live to make other people happy and take care of them, and we lose ourselves in someone else's life. Then when we're not fulfilled or unhappy, we blame them for our unhappiness when it's not their fault, it's our fault. The best thing we can do in our relationships is maintain our individuality, our own interests, hobbies, and activities. We need our own space in which we can truly be the best version of ourselves. If we are our best alone, then we will enhance the life of someone else without being consumed by their life.

4. Have you severed ties with your ex's? Yeah, I know. You keep one or two around for an ego boost or late night booty call right? You're all adults. Nothing wrong with that, right? The problem with keeping your ex's in your life is that they may not let go when you need them to. The last thing your new mate wants to deal with is a former boyfriend or girlfriend who calls at all times of the night, doesn't respect the boundaries of the new relationship, or refuses to let go. You need to handle that business BEFORE you even think about bringing someone new in your life. You say, "But that means I'll have to actually spend time...ALONE." Yep. Sure does. Get over it and let them go. If you can't spend time alone with yourself, why should anyone else want to be with you?

5. Are you afraid to love or to trust? If so, you don't even need to think about getting into a new relationship. What you need to do is explore the root cause of your fear and trust issues, and more often than not they are usually linked. We usually fear pain and often those who cause us pain have done so by breaching the established trust in the relationship, by cheating, physical and emotional abuse, etc. Fear and lack of trust form unhealthy relational foundations and if you have a faulty foundation, the relationship is doomed to fail. Don't think you can carry your baggage into the relationship and build the trust as you go along. No, you need to walk into the new relationship baggage free in order to give your new mate and your new relationship the best chance for success. Let your new mate make their own mistakes, do not punish them for mistakes made by people in your past.

6. Do you believe you're worthy of a happy and healthy relationship? Understanding your self esteem and self worth is so critical to relationships. Healthy self image ensures that you pick emotionally healthy people OR catch your mistakes quickly so you don't invest years of your life in the wrong people. Most people will say they are worthy but far too often we don't really believe we're worthy. We suffer from self esteem issues, whether they be related to body image or career success. If you've got work to do on yourself, then finish that work before you even try to get into a new relationship. Your insecurities will only serve to bog down your mind...and your new mate.

He Said, We said--She Wants Me, She Wants Me Not

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

Beautiful girl I work with approached me 6 months ago. She was in a long relationship prior to this and told me in our first conversation. Guy was cheater and a druggie apparently.

We had a date, made out and she was smiling alot at the end but during the date kind of looked a bit bored. A week later she insisted on coming around my house on my birthday and gave me a card but didn't come inside and left after a make out session.

After this, the girl called my every morning for 2 months straight and we got on so well but never went on another date and made excuses plus was off from work. After a minor disagreement(work colleagues got between us) she tells me she doesn't want to continue and we can be friends.

Eventually I saw her at work, she would flirt with me and we would walk about together like a couple. So for 6 months we been "together" at work and she will lecture me sometimes like she is my girl, gets jealous and trys to make me jealous and flirts with me(allows me to put my hands allover her butt) and it appears that there is some kind of feeling there(tears in her eyes around me) but she won't say how feels.

Few weeks ago she started sending dirty txts to me at 4 am saying she was wet/horny after this she went quiet again. Weeks ago I tried to kiss her and she went red and put her chin down and laughed. I tried asking her about us and she changes the subject and right now it doesn't feel the same between us because she put a picture of her and another guy as her facebook pic but says she just went on a date with him. I've seen the sweet way she looks at me, almost like she adores me, if I'm not right for her why does she still contact me?

Signed

She Wants Me, She Wants Me Not

We Said...

Dear She Wants Me Not,

We hate to break it to you, buddy, but our diagnosis is grim. You're a seat filler. In Hollywood, seat fillers are the peoople who attend award shows and when the stars leave their seats to use the bathroom or don't show up at all, seat fillers sit in the empty chairs so the audience doesn't have gaping holes in it when the cameras pan by.

In relationships, seat fillers are people we hang out with, date, and get affection and ego boosts from while we're waiting for the guy we can REALLY get interested in. The worst part about being a seat filler is that you're the only one who doesn't know you're a seat filler which allows you to be used and tossed aside by your mate. Sad to say, it's mostly the "nice guys" and "nice girls" who get victimized this way--mostly because they ALLOW it. They don't value themselves enough to expect more.

Get off the love short bus, honey! There are two sides to this coin. You want the girl who doesn't want you. She's using you as a seat filler until she can find the guy she really wants. If she really wanted you to be her man, you would be her man...and you'd have no doubt about it.

You really want this girl? You're going to have to play bad boy. Ignore her. Don't call her. Don't compliment her. Brush her off. Avoid her at all costs. And don't fall for any of her tricks meant to keep you on the hook. You have to appear as if you're over her for her to get into you. Very sad--but these are the the games seat fillers must play.

Your other option is to find another girl who will want you and accept you as you are. One who appreciates you for who you are and isn't so self-serving to use you to fill the empty spaces in HER life, rather she honors you so much that she wants to fill the empty spaces in YOURS.

Regardless of what path you take, you need to value yourself more, understand your worth, and don't entertain any woman who doesn't do the same.

If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please write us at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Break Ups Too Hard? Here are the Top 8 Easiest Methods to Chuck 'Em And Run

Breaking up with someone you've been committed to for any length of time really bites the big one. Sometimes we hang onto relationships far longer than we need to (or have to) because we're do chickensh*t to do the deed and give our soon-to-be ex the AXE. We don't know how or when to do it. We don't know what to say. So, sometimes it just feels easier to do nothing and suffer in silence. After all, if you're unhappy long enough, they'll catch on and leave you eventually, right?

Wrong! Sometimes misery loves company. And the more miserable you are, the happier the your mate is.

Sure, there are those who will tell you that honesty is the best policy. That you should break up face-to-face, in private, be honest about your reasons and be direct, hear out your soon-to-be-ex and let them get their issues off their chest before you part as friends and move on with your separate lives. But that's hard. Honesty is hard. Being face-to-face with the heart you're about to break and dreams you're about to crush can be a real downer. We don't like downers.

If you have found yourself in one such situation, fret not. We're going to tell you how to escape your living hell without stress, worry, or fear--or courage.

1. It's not you, it's me. Oh, it's an oldie but a goodie. Your conversation should go something like this. "You're too good for me. I realize that I need time to work on myself to become the man/woman you deserve/need. It might not be today, might not be tomorrow, but I'm coming back for you someday when I've got my life together." Gotta be careful that you have someone with high self esteem for this work. The worst case scenario is that you have someone who thinks so little of themselves that they deserve the unworthy you and are willing to accept you as you are. Yikes. Also, the key here is to NEVER go back. Ever. And no "one for the road" if you know what I'm saying!

2. Text Message/Email. Listen, I know it may seem cold, unfeeling, and a little bit of a b*tch move, but if you wanted to be a decent human being, you wouldn't be reading this article for advice. Seriously. The decent thing to do would be to sit down and tell them in person. The easy thing--drop them a text and/or an email (I prefer both). Saves stress and upset people...well...they upset me. I don't like that.

3. Cheat and Get Caught. You gotta make sure you have a no nonsense, no BS-accepting mate for this method to be effective. The worst thing that could happen is that you'd have a mate who would forgive you and then hold it over your head for the rest of your life. Then you'd be forced to behave or break up by being honest and telling them the relationship sucked for you...you know...the way you probably should've in the first place.

4. Disappear. Yep, drop off the face of the earth. Don't take phone calls, respond to texts, emails. If they catch up with you, tell them you'll meet them somewhere and don't show up. These actions are generally shady enough to run off any sane, respectable mates. What you have to be careful of are the stalkers, the ones who will hunt you down like the conniving dog you are and search the ends of the earth until they find you.

5. Argue Constantly. Nitpick at anything and every flaw and problem you can think of. Go to bed arguing and wake up arguing. Argue over breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Argue any time there is a silence. And be stupid or mean. Pick one or the other--not both. Being both might get you killed. That's argue overload and might cause someone to pop a cap in you. We don't like popped caps.

6. On Facebook or Twitter. Nothing says, "I'm through with your a$$" like a "Sorry, it's over, been real" Tweet or Facebook Wall Post. The best part is you get to break up with your mate and their entire network at once. And they can't question whether or not it really happened because all their friends and followers will be witnesses. The key here is to unfriend them immediately, otherwise you might get cyber-stalked and that could get ugly.

7. In Public. It should be a restaurant, Starbuck's, Applebee's or Ruby Tuesdays someplace that has a nice crowd but isn't too noisy. Also, no place really classy where they might call the police on your for disturbing the peace...just in case things get further out of hand than you planned. If you're dating a happy drunk, buy them a couple of drinks first. That'll help soften the blow and the break-up won't hit them until they sober up.

8. In the presence of your family members. This method is kind of like delivering bad news in a restaurant to keep them from reacting violently to your break up. Even better, you have your support network to support you. No matter how wrong you are they'll probably be on your side...probably. And plus they can protect you from getting your butt whooped if your mate decides to go off. The key here is to avoid your mate's family like the plague because you will catch a beat down for sure. I'm just sayin'!

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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He Said, We Said: Man-Ho to Do-Right Man?

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

After 4 years together and cheating and lying to her, I want to change and be the man she needs and deserves. We are going to counseling but I just want to know what to do until things change?

We have been together since 2006, and, yeah, I have cheated on her with about 4 women and I don't really know why I did it. One girl I kept around because she was easy and came over when I wanted to get laid. When my girlfriend wasn't around, or at work or school, the girl was there. I love her and want to be with her forever because she is a wonderful person but whenever we fight she brings up every wrong I have done and I get angry because it is the past. How do i handle that?

Signed


Want to be a Do Right Man

We Said...

Dear Do Right Man,

Well, well, well, this is a first for us. A man who admits his wrongs and wants to do right by the woman he loves. We commend you for your desire and effort to try and make things right and be the man your woman deserves. We're sorry that you're upset about your years of cheating and lying coming back to bite you in the ass. Really. Our hearts bleed for you. But our question to you is: What the hell did you expect???

And if you believe we feel sorry for you, I have some swamp...I mean vacation land in Florida you might be interested in purchasing.

Listen, you cheated for years, you're still in counseling, and you don't want to hear about your mistakes? You just thought she'd forgive and forget? Take this new man you've become at face value after you've been a lying, cheating bastard for YEARS. Really? Apparently, you don't know a thing about women, so let us school you. When it comes to infidelity, women are like elephants--WE NEVER FORGET. Face this fact: She may never get over the hurt and your relationship may be over no matter how hard you try to do right.

Get off the love short bus, honey...and get over yourself. You done wrong. Now when it's time to face the music, you don't like the tune. Well...if you don't like it, then FREE YOURSELF from this good woman and let her find someone who deserves her and who won't cheat on her. How about that? Let another man, love and adore her, give her what she needs in the boudoir. Let him be the man you should've been from the jump. Or you can shut your pie hole and let her work through her pain. Choice is yours.

With that said, we do have a few tips to get you through the short run.

1. Validate her feelings. Don't try to say you're different, the past is the past and end the subject. Tell her that you understand how much you hurt her, that you can't imagine the pain you caused her (because you can't) and you understand how wrong you were, and then ask her to allow you to be the man you want to be for her. Don't tell her the past is the past because while your player days may be over, the pain you cause is PRESENT and REAL.
   
2. You don't want her to bring up your past in arguments? Then don't argue! This is the time to let her win everything. You shouldn't be arguing. Suck it up and keep your mouth shut no matter how right you are.
   
3. Replace the bad memories with good ones. You're so busy trying to win what is probably a stupid argument in the first place that you are just adding to the bad memories she's already got. Stop it. Do nice things, exceptionally nice things constantly so that she can look at you in a positive light again. Right now, she doesn't see the man you're trying to be, just the lying cheating bastard who keeps arguing. If you change, she'll change how he perceives you.
4. If you have an ounce of religion, pray together. Kind of hard to be vicious to each other when you put God between you.

If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please drop us a line at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Blog Time Out for Shameless Self Promotion: The Bum Magnet Blog Tour and New Reviews!

Taking a VERY short timeout for shameless self promotion. If you're enjoying this blog you'll LOVE my novels The Bum Magnet and the upcoming sequel Got a Right to Be Wrong! Both are on sale now (the sequel is available for pre-order)!

Here's the latest 5 Star Review!!
Reviews by Molly: PUYB Blog Tour & Review: The Bum Magnet by K.L. Brady.: Title: The Bum Magnet Author: K.L.Brady Publisher: Simon and Schuster Release Date: March 2011 Pages: 368 Source. 5 out of 5 Book Rating!!

Want to pick up your own copies???

www.barnesandnoble.com
www.amazon.com
www.booksamillion.com

Also...I'm on tour--a Blog Tour that is! Check out my stops and learn more about the nutcase who writes this blog! :)

Beyond the Books: How I Landed a Literary Agent

Interview on the Examiner

Interview on Blog Critics

Interview on Review From Here!

Book Review at Mad Moose Mama

Book Review at Mysteries Etc.

The Story Behind the Book

More Stops Here...

We now will return to our regularly scheduled programming...

4 Ways to Embrace Your Inner B*tch!

Oh...she's in there. You know she is. You love her. Sometimes you're afraid of her. Nearly all the time, you respect her. She doesn't listen to or tolerate BS from anybody. She thinks what you're too afraid to think, says what you're too shy to say, and does the things you couldn't fathom doing on your bravest day. She's courageous, daring, and...free. And she doesn't give a damn about what others think of her. And she's always bags the best men!

As women, we're almost bred to be nurturers, accommodating...ladylike. We don't yell, curse, or God forbid, say what we're really thinking. It's against the rules. We suck it up and keep it moving because we've got places to go and people depending on us to take care of them. We're always supposed to be thoughtful and considerate of other people's feelings, even at the expense of our well-being...and often, our sanity.

She's sitting inside. Watching it all. Seething. Struggling to get from under this docile heifer and make her thoughts known and voice heard. She rarely rears her head and usually must be provoked. Like that time when she spent the day cooking a three-course meal and he showed up two hours late because he was hanging out with his boys. When he arrived at the door, she stuck her head out the window and told him to check the lost and found because that where his mind must be if he thought he was getting inside her house or between her legs THAT day!

We love her, don't we? Always the perfect snappy retort at the right time.

Who is this divinely bold, brash, and confident woman?

She's your inner b*tch. That's who she is. She dwells deep within all of us but most of the time we're to afraid to let her do her thing. Why? Being a b*tch ain't easy...and usually comes with consequences. The uncontrolled, ruthless bitch can make for nasty outcomes. Hurt feelings. Lost friendships. Angry responses. Break-ups. Yanked hair weaves. Broken bones.

So why should we release this hurricane of emotion? Because she's the most honest part of souls. She lays it on the line. When she speaks, everyone listens. And at the core of every word she speaks is our most organic truth. It's this degree of truth that frees us from pain, unhappiness, our own unrealistic expectations, other people's expectations for what we should do, say, or how we should behave. She gives us room to breathe and be who we really are.

Damn she's fierce.

So what can we do to embrace her?

1. Take a trip and and let her rip. One reason we don't release our inner b*tch is because we're afraid of what the people we know and love might think. So, don't release her around them. Go some place where nobody knows your name. Feel her. Talk her. Dress her. Be her. If people embrace this part of your truth, you'll feel less apprehensive about allowing her to emerge around those you love. And if she's hated, go home and relish in the memory.

2. Find her funny. You ever notice how comedians can say anything mean or snarky...as long as it's humorous and makes people laugh. Camouflage your inner b*tch with some humor and most people will welcome her with open arms.

3. Journal her. Not ready to speak her truth? Write it. What more freedom to release this fierce woman into your world than to place her on the pages of a book. You don't have to show anybody or you can publish her later and show everybody. The most important point is that you release her from the prison of your inner lady and let her be who she is.

4. Speak her. Sometimes, you just need to let her have her way if you have justification to do so. Control her. Don't get carried away. But there's nothing more liberating than saying exactly what you want to say. At the end of the day, people aren't glass and your words won't break. Don't be spiteful, hurtful, or ruthless...but don't be afraid to be honest. Everyone around you will survive. More importantly, they'll get over it!

Weekly Words of Wisdom

"If you don't divorce that fool who had the nerve to cheat on you, you'll be married to a fool who had the nerve to cheat on you."~~Mama Tyson

She Said, We Said - Wife on the Edge

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

My husband and I have been married 3 years. I really feel like he is cheating on me but I dropped it because I didn't want to lose him if he wasn't. But I have heard that he was cheating on me from someone else. He only goes to work and the gym. Could it really be true? Yesterday was my birthday and first he forgot. Also he bought me a 70 dollar gift which my mom gave him 50 for. So, basically he spent 20 dollars on me. I know it is not about the money but still . I do everything for him and he doesn't appreciate me. I really want it to work with us but it is so hard, and he fights with me all the time and puts me in a bad mood saying I do it to myself. I feel that if he loved me he would show it . I wouldn't have to beg him everyday. Maybe I'm wrong. I know this is a lot but I am just frustrated and taking out my anger :). So please don't be mean. Just advise please. I'm lost and feel used.

Signed


Wife on the Edge

We Said...

Dear Wife on the Edge,

We don't want to be mean but we've got to be honest, so let's do a recap. You believe he's cheating (and you're probably absolutely right). He doesn't appreciate you, doesn't remember your birthday and goes cheap-ass on your gift. He fights with you all the time (probably to help maintain the emotional distance so he can continue his affair). You have to beg him for love and affection, which he still doesn't give to you (because he's probably giving it to someone else). You feel lost and you feel used by the man who is supposed hold you above all others. Hmmm. We can see why you're holding so tightly to this relationship...not!

He may or may not be cheating--probably is--but that's the least of your concerns at this point. You have bigger issues to deal with because three things here are very clear: You're unhappy. He knows you're unhappy. And he doesn't care to try and fix your relationship to make things better.

You have to ask yourself why you are clinging to someone who doesn't give a damn about your happiness. And because you're clinging so desperately to this shell of a relationship, he doesn't feel as if he has to make any effort because no matter how much he hurts you or neglects, you're not going to hold him accountable and you're not going to leave. Is that the life you want to live?

Get off the love short bus, honey. Time to stand up for yourself. First of all you need to find out why you don't value yourself more than you value a man who treats you like crap? Until you understand and embrace your self-worth, you will settle for crappy treatment and you will be miserable no matter who you're with.

After you come to the realization that you are worthy of a happy relationship with a good man, lay down the law and let him know the status quo isn't acceptable. You deserve more from your relationship and from your husband than the second-class, stepchild treatment he's giving you right now. And if you don't demand it for yourself, who will? Let him know you refuse to live in the current state anymore and his choice is to work on the relationship or you're going to let him go and find someone worthy of the love you have to give. And when you say this, you have to actually mean it! Don't even bother saying a word if you're not going to back it up. It's better to lose a bad husband than lose yourself.

If you have any relationship issues you'd like us to address, please drop a line to Rissey & Nisey at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Stepping Out II: Top 6 Reasons Men Cheat

He's staying a way from home more often, sometimes late into the night, offering lame excuses. He avoids answering his phone when you're in his presence or takes his calls to another room. He begins to criticize you more and more, suddenly you picking up weight...or you need exercise and tighten up your act a little bit. And he avoids you like a bill collector. Your spidey senses tell you something ain't right...but he loves you, you have a family, everybody goes through difficult times, right?

Uh-uh...don't get it twisted. He's cheating...or he's about to start.

Even though cheating is an activity that I think is most closely associated with men, men cheat for many of the same reasons women do. Raise your hand if you generally view men as the primary aggressors and perpetrators of infidelity in relationships? Mine's up. I'll be the first to admit it. Because men tend to be such visual creatures, hound dogs if you will, we automatically assume that men cheat for shallow reasons--such as he can't get enough sex or the woman looks better than the one he has at home.

However, most people would be surprised to know that men cheat for reasons that are just as emotionally driven as women. Yes. They're human too. With feelings even. They have needs to be desired, appreciated, understood, and adored like any woman has. The only difference is that they are less likely to communicate these needs to their partner as a woman would be for fear of being perceived as weak or needy.

This is such an important point for women to understand because if our man cheats our minds automatically assume that we're somehow inadequate, too fat, not as pretty as her...or as we used to be, when nine time out of ten, he connected with someone else for emotional reasons that have nothing to do with sex or physical appearance, rather an emotional connection and a feeling that they are emotionally safe and secure--that they are man enough.

So, what are the main reasons men cheat. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Emotionally disconnected. What you say? Men need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse or significant other too? No way.

Yeah way!

When communication fails, the heart sails--for both women AND men. When men don't feel appreciated or understood or as if the women in their lives appreciate the effort their making, they will stray...especially when there's a woman in his ear telling him everything he needs to hear and more.

2. Sexual dissatisfaction. When your sex life isn't measuring up, a man will stray to find a way to fill the void. Biologically speaking, men generally have higher sex drives than women. Usually. Believe it or not, most men do not desire their women to be freaks in the bed (although it certainly doesn't hurt one little bit), but the biggest complaint most men have a bout sex is the frequency...not the variety. Most men want it often and that doesn't have to involve handcuffs and chandeliers. If they're not getting it frequently enough, they will find someone to take up the slack.

3. Insecurity. Men need to feel as if what they're doing to support their families or significant others is enough. They need to feel as if they're enough man for their women and enough father for their kids. When women nag, belittle, or berate their men, the men feel as if they're falling short of everyone's expectations, they lose the feeling of security in their position as head of the family or relationship and will seek to keep company with people who make them feel as if what they have to offer is enough.

4. Something new, Something different. Notice I didn't say something better. That is key. Sometimes people get too comfortable and too complacent in their home lives, and someone else may be offering something shiny and new...all the things they think they're missing at home. The grass always appears greener...(even if the water bill is higher).

5. Option meets Opportunity. Sometimes when men are feeling vulnerable and an opportunity presents itself in which they don't believe they'll get caught, they will go for it. The point here is that they are already feeling vulnerable. Maybe they had a early fight with the wife and late night at work, and the co-worker they've been flirting with just happens to be working late too. Maybe they're away on business and they happen upon a woman who wants as little from the encounter as he does. Whatever the reason, an opportunity presents itself and the offender doesn't believe he'll get caught.

6. Prize Outweighs the Punishment. When men are miserable and feeling angry or hurt about a situation at home, at some point, the reward from cheating becomes worth more to them than the risk that they'll get caught or lose their relationship with their wife or significant other. Unfortunately, if a man reaches this point, their probably won't be much turning back. Unlike for women, this usually isn't an exit strategy as much as it is a means to escape...and the long-term relationship is probably nearly over.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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He Said, We Said - Ho to a Housewife?

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I've been married 6 years and have 3 beautiful children. My wife continues to go out to bars til 3 in the morning and I hear later how she was dancing on the bar and on poles and what not. I do Love her to death, but can not continue to go through this. We have talked on counseling but she will not go through with it. Now lately I have stooped to her level (knowing its not right) but started going out as well. But of course if I do it and don't come home til 3 or 4 I'm a bad father. I've only done it twice but already feel that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Its starting to affect my kids now, and I'm considering leaving and getting shared custody. Am I wrong for not wanting my kids brought up in that kind of environment. I believe our kids deserve a better life and should not have to go through this. Seriously need advise from those that have been through it. Thanks in advance to all that input!

Signed,

Partied Out

We Said...

Dear Partied Out,

We certainly feel your pain, but something tells us this partying didn't just begin overnight. She was probably partying when you met her, dropping shots like jelly beans, getting her groove on in the club and you thought that was sexy to death. And, oh yes Lord, when she hiked her leg up and wrapped it around that same pole you now scorn, your eyes glazed over with lust as you said to yourself, "Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. That's my future ex-wife!" You knew what you were getting into when you married her, you were probably just hoping a husband and three kids would be enough to tame her. And you were wrong.

Get off the love short bus, honey. YOU can't turn a ho into a housewife. She still believes shaking her ass is still more important to her than shaking these party girl habits and she's not going to change until she's ready. Moreover, your partying will only compound an already bad situation. We don't blame you of course, but you're going to have to be the grown up for your kids' sake.

With that said, you're right about one thing--no woman, not even their mother, comes before the well-being of your kids. Her behavior is bad enough, but you guys are probably fighting like cats and dogs which without question will have a longer-term effect on their emotional health. While you might have the urge to start issuing ultimatums, we don't suggest you do that because she will just resent you for making her change her lifestyle. Just explain to her that you're not threatening her with divorce, but you think her behavior is detrimental to the kids and let her know that she has a choice to make: separate and get her own place until she gets the partying out of her system or stay and respect her family. Allow her to choose her course freely and without any pressure from you. Say what you have to say and don't argue, don't fuss. Just make it clear that the status quo is absolutely unacceptable for the sake of the children. You chose her. She chooses to party. But your children had no choice in this matter...and they deserve better, don't you think? Let's just hope their mother does too.

If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please email us a SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Stepping Out: The Top 5 Reasons Women Cheat

I had a conversation with a male friend recently, and he asked me what are some of the signs that a woman might be cheating. I thought to myself, "You dare ask me to divulge ancient SistaGirl secrets to your kind?" So, I deflected the question and turned it back around on him asking, "The real question you need to ask yourself is: Does she have reason to cheat?"

Cheating is not a natural state of being for most women. Generally speaking, with the exception of a very rare few outliers, emotionally healthy, secure women will breach the trust of a man she's genuinely in love with without provocation. It's nature--the old hunter-gatherer theory. Men are adept and thrill in chasing and hunting. Women content themselves with what's close to (or at) home, genetically programmed to find ONE mate who provides a secure, happy home and compatible sex life. Notice I said compatible. Not every woman needs a man who swings from chandeliers every night, but if you're satisfying her needs at a pace suitable to her, she isn't going anywhere. This is her natural condition.

When a woman steps out on her mate, she's going against her natural tendencies, and it's usually a difficult but calculated decision. No matter what they say about getting caught up in "the moment" most women who cheat planned to do so, maybe to right some wrong or fulfill some need, but they don't just slip and fall on another man's penis.

And let me keep it real. When torn between the decision to leave her man or to cheat, most women will not compromise theirs or their children's physical security (i.e., roof over their heads, financial stability) even if provoked, which is why they are usually better cheaters than men. They will ensure they've created that physical and financial security some place else before they even think of walking away. She'll stray from their relationship on the down low while at the same time creating the illusion of a relatively stable relationship, keeping the home as happy as possible until she's worked her back-up plan. As soon as the plan is executed, she rolls out. This is often the point at which she'll allow herself to get caught if indeed she is cheating.

So, the big question is, what are the key reasons a woman will go against nature, and step out of her relationship>

1. Revenge for her man's infidelity. He's cold busted. She cried and screamed. He begged and pleaded. She forgave. All is well, right? No, sir. Her anger and disappointment will plant a seed for "The Get-Back." What most men don't realize is that when they cheat they write their woman a ticket to Cheatersville or in layman's terms--provide justification. She may not cash it in today, the next week, the next month, or even the next year, but eventually, if she doesn't leave you first, she will cash it in at the moment most opportune for her. And if she is dependent on you financially or otherwise, you probably won't have a clue until she wants you to.

2. Emotionally unfulfilled or unappreciated. Women are naturally emotional creatures. Men are naturally providers. Oftentimes, men forget that women are nurtured by sincere affection and appreciation. A kind word, a compliment, emotional support, encouragement the little things mean everything to women. Here's the thing, most men are prone to provide those things in abundance while courting but when the courting's over, they become emotional deserts. Mark my words, she'll step out and find water...even if it's another man's well.

3. Emotionally unhealthy. Remember I said that emotionally healthy women generally will not cheat. Well, emotional unhealthy women who seek to fill voids through sex or attention, probably will. Women who suffer from low self esteem, past sexual abuse, or other emotional instabilities may tend to deal with problems in their relationships in counterproductive ways. It may appear as if she's just playing the bad girl, but her problems probably run much deeper than a desire to fulfill an unfulfilled physical need.

4. Physically and emotionally disconnected from her mate. For most women, sex is more about reaching a climax (although we need that too). Most women connect emotionally to their mates during intercourse as well. So when the sex decreases in quantity and/or quality, women miss that emotional and physical nourishment. Maybe he's having a tough time at work, sexual problems he's afraid to share, or he's involved with someone else. Whatever the reason, communication and sex are nil, and she senses he's pulling away from her emotionally or physically. Even if a man is just going through a difficult time, women will frequently jump to conclusions and translate this kind of behavior as his exit strategy. So, they seek to find what they're missing (or will be missing when he leaves) elsewhere.

5. Exit Strategy. Women know that for men, the providers, having a woman cheat on him strikes at the core of his reason for being. It says to him that he had not fulfilled his duty well enough to keep his woman in the home, worse, she may have found someone to do it better--whether it be sex or provide more safety and stability. Men know that sex is more emotional for women so that if she's allowed another man in to that realm, he knows the act is more than a roll in the hay. So when she reveals this information or allows herself to get caught, it is more often than not because she's ready to leave, and there's little her man could do to prevent it.

Weekly Words of Wisdom

"If I have my choice, I'll choose a break-up over a breakdown. With the former you might lose a lover, but with the latter, you might lose yourself." ~~Mama Tyson

She Said, We Said--My Boyfriend's Dating

She said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

So I was looking at the history trail on my boyfriend's laptop which I know I shouldn't really do and found he had been on sexintheuk.com. I clicked on it and he was still logged on. He has a picture of himself on there but his age his wrong he hasn't paid to be a full member. I'm guessing though because the payment screen came up.

I looked in his inbox on the site and there was two messages from girls living in a place where his friend lives, and he goes to stay with him alot! That has worried me!! It wouldn't let me view the messages though! I know that he has signed up for this recently because the picture he has on there is one of me and him that was taken at Christmas time. Obviously he has cropped me out and that hurts a lot too, that he's using a picture that was of us two! He hasn't filled in a lot of his profile but he's clicked a section on sex and discreet relationships.

I know men like to look at other women. I know they watch porn etc and I don't like it but I accept it because they are human! And I wouldn't have been too bothered about seeing this dating website if it did not have his picture on because there is a lot of porn type pics on there. I would have just figured he was looking at those but the fact that he's got his pic on there says he wants to act on meeting someone doesn't it?! I'm so upset. I love this guy more than anything in the world, we've been together three years. I'm so hurt right now, just looking for some advice! x


Signed

My Boyfriend's Trying to Date

We Said...

Dear Boyfriend's Trying to Date,

Something tells me you know the answer. Otherwise, why would you be checking the history trail in the first place, huh? You have your detective hat on, the same one women have been donning for centuries because you know in your heart something is wrong...very wrong. The problem is you're looking to answer a question you already know the answer to. And you found exactly what you were looking for!! Now the answer's in your face and the only real problem here is you just don't want to acknowledge that the man you're so deeply in love with could be a lying, cheating, S.O.B! It's one thing to window shop, and an entirely different thing to window shop with money in your pocket (i.e., set up a profile and accept emails). He's trying to make his fantasies a reality...and what's really important is he's not trying to do that with you.

Get off the love short bus honey! Time for you to crop him out of YOUR picture and find someone who loves and respects you. Respects you enough not to be hunting down other women while you're supposed to be in a committed relationship. Respects you enough to put your feelings first. Forget him and his so-called need to see a little porn. YOU DESERVE MORE!

Obviously, he has no intention of leaving...at least not yet. And if you confront him, he's gonna beg you not to leave. Give him the hand and pack your bags honey. Don't hang on because you've invested so much time and energy. Let go, and make a place for the man who will treat you right! Better to waste three years than four! Better to hurt a little bit now, then a lot for a lifetime!

If you have a relationship question you want us to discuss. Drop us a line at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com

Relationship on the Rocks? Top 7 Signs You Might Need to Pack It In

Here's a secret...love isn't perfect. I know what you're thinking, "Tell me something I didn't know" right? It's natural to believe that when you hit a few bumps in the road of your relationship that you just need to "hang in there" and "work through it." This too shall pass. Your significant other isn't perfect...and neither are you. Bumps are inevitable. On the other hand, you'd like nothing better than to run over them with your car and then back up once or twice for good measure.

We've all been there, haven't we? You've been in a relationship for a few months...or a few years, trying to make it work because you've invested so much of your time, energy, and your heart. Problem is...you're at the end of your rope...and you'd like to hang your significant other with it. You still love them, at least you think you do when you're not questioning whether it was love to begin with. And the sex is still off the chain, even if only after a heated argument. Oh, they have other redeeming qualities too. For example, they're beautiful as they are walking away, and you could spend the entire day in bed with them...as long as they keep they keep a pillow over their head and don't attempt to touch you.

When you start feeling this way, a break up may be inevitable. You pout and say, "But it's so haaaaard! I don't wanna." No one likes to be the bearer of that bad news. I mean, really. Who wants to be the cause of someone's hurt and pain...or even our own loneliness? Nobody. But you must realize that every relationship has its reason and its season. Some people are meant to be with you for a moment. Others are meant to be with you for a lifetime. And hanging on to someone who doesn't genuinely love you or better still--can't love you in a way that allows you be the best version of yourself and grow as a person--will only lengthen the time it takes for you to get to the person who can.

Not sure whether it's time to go? Here are 7 signs that may suggest it's time to assess where you are in your relationship and whether it's still worth continuing.

1. Sex is history. The story of your sex life goes from reading like the Daily News to the Memoirs of an Invisible Orgasm. A healthy sex life is one sign of a healthy relationship...or at least a sign that you're still willing to touch them. If you arrive at the point where the thought of them touching grates on your nerves like nails on a chalkboard, you're probably ready to go.
2. Love amnesia. When you first met them, you could write a book on all of the reasons why they made you happy, now you'd struggle to write a sentence. Your good times are stored in your long-term memory and all you can think about is your strategy for winning the next argument.
3. Escalating fights. Your arguments progress from small verbal disagreement to death matches and frequently involve utensils and artillery. Verbal arguments are natural, but when they get unfair, ruthless, and nasty, you may need to think about leaving. Physical fights=way bad. If you've cut off your husbands penis and thrown it in the garbage disposal, the time to leave was probably about five minutes before you picked up the knife.
4. Change in perception. Those endearing flaws become major irritants. What used to be the cute little mole above her lip now looks more like the mark of Beelzebub. And they haven't changed, but your perception has. When we're in love with someone, we overlook their flaws. When we're falling out of love, we place them under a microscope and examine them until they become distorted reflections of what we imagined them to be when we met them.
5. Future? What future? Your dreams of walking down the aisle and having kids are now nightmares you can't shake with consuming large quantities of alcohol and sedatives. Your relationship should always be growing and moving forward, even if it just inches forward. Stagnation will always leave you wanting something more. If the thought of spending another day, let alone the rest of your life with someone makes you physically ill, it's time to consider packing those bags.
6. Failure to communicate. Communication is among the most important elements of a relationship, yet your house is as quiet as a Charlie Chaplain movie. You don't talk to each other. You might talk at each other or around each other, but neither one of you is getting your point across. More importantly, you don't listen...nor do you want to listen. When you've reached a point where you no longer even care whether you communicate, the end of your relationship is probably closer than you think.
7. Blissfully alone. You're happier when you're apart than you are when you're together. More than that, you are the best version of yourself when they aren't around you. Your relationship is toxic and your entire demeanor changes when you're around them. When they walk into a room, they are like happiness vacuums that suck out all the joy and make you and everyone around them miserable. We should never let anyone steal our joy. If your partner is a dream killer or happiness thief, they've got to go!

Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary for your sanity and your sanctity. No relationship will ever be perfect, but when the imperfections stifle your ability to love and be the person you're meant to be, leaving may be the best thing you could ever do for them...and yourself.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Weekly Words of Wisdom

"A best friend is like pet dog with flees. You love it no matter what, but it's probably not a good idea to sleep with it." ~~ Mama Tyson

She Said, We Said--Fell in Love with My BFF

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

Recently I mustered enough courage to tell my best friend of 6 yrs that I love him, and he basically said he doesn't feel the same. Every since I feel like he's tromping all over my feelings. He told me that he told a mutual friend of ours, who's interested in me, that I like him. I did say once I found our friend attractive but why tell that, especially so soon after I poured my heart out to him? He also tries to make me think he's in need by saying "Oh I'm so cold... it's so cold here", as if I'm suppose to say "oh let me keep you warm".

He use to, I guess jokingly, say to me "I love you, do you love me?" or "Why do you love me?" Well he's started that up again. Why? Why use such sensitive phrases and questions like that right now? Is that funny to him? And he keeps telling me how he's exchanging flirty banter over fb with a mutual girlfriend of ours, and how another one of our friends is helping fill her head to his advantage. Both of these girls I have to interact with as we live in the same state, and he doesn't. He's basically saying this girl he likes could become my replacement.

Before I professed my feelings I had cut him off for a bit because he was pursuing a girl just like me, but had never attempted to pursue me. When we finally spoke again, he said he didn't want to lose me as a friend, and that maybe one day he would see me as more.

Now, he's hinting at me possibly being replaced? What's going on? Why is he trying to hurt me like this? What did I do to deserve such cruel treatment?

Signed,

I've got the Best Friend Blues.

We Said...

Dear Best Friend Blues,

Ahhhh, unrequited love, and with a best friend no less. We've been there done that more times than we care to recall. The line between love and friendship is a thin and often confusing one, especially if you're looking at your situation with your heart and not your head. If we've said it once, we'll say it again: If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would've asked you to be his girlfriend. Simple as that. Men aren't mysterious creatures. If they want something they know how to pursue it. Seems your friend has told you not only in plain English, but in the way that he treats you, that he doesn't want to be your man. So there is only one thing left for you to do--believe him! He means it. He doesn't just mean it, he really really means it. Let us make this clear--he's not replacing you. You never had a place in his heart to begin with so you can't be replaced.

Don't be confused by any mixed signals he may have sent after you shared your feelings. His playing with your head is a sign of his immaturity, not hope! It's not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't care to get in your pants--the one clear thing that separates girlfriends from best friends. His line is clear as day, it's only yours that's a little murky.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Move on! From now on, if you want to know if a man really wants to be with you, then let HIM pursue YOU. Don't ever make the first move. Then you will never have any doubts, and you can avoid putting your feelings out there to be tromped on. We think you need to make a clean break of this relationship, not for him, but for yourself. Give yourself some time to let your heart heal. Focus on yourself and activities that you love to do, become happy within yourself, and the right guy will be drawn to you like flies to a dead bunny. Then you'll know he was meant for you!

If you have any relationship issues you'd like the solutions to, please write us at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com

The Husband-Seeker's Ten Commandments of Modern Dating

I do not profess to be an expert on successful dating. Can’t tell you how to get it right. However, I sure as heck can tell you how to date the wrong way. I’ve got twenty years of proven experience, thank you very much. Rock solid credentials. So, I can say with absolute certainty that while following these commandments might not help you find right man, they’ll darn minimize your contact with the wrong men. Take heed and follow:

1. Thou shalt keep thy undies above the knees and skirt below thy ass. No sex until thou hast a promise of commitment.

2. Thou shalt not covet another woman’s ass…er…husband, lest thy eyes be gouged with the guilt of sin…or the heel of a Christian Louboutin.

3. Thou shalt allow the man to be the man—pay for dinner, open doors—lest ye strip him of his man pants and spend the rest of thy days with 1,000 cats.

4. Thou shalt allow the man the thrill of pursuit. A dog will not stray from the home of his own choosing.

5. Thou shalt promote clear communication about thy feelings, never make assumptions on actions (or lack thereof) alone. A man who professeth not, loveth not.

6. Thou shalt not seek husbands in bars and clubs. If thou only shop in a sty, thou can only purchase a pig…knee deep in mud and slop.

7. Thy shalt not deceive in words or deeds. To be truthful is divine, to lie will attract Karma…and she’s a bitch.

8. Thou shalt tap into thy inner bitch and maintain thy own interests, activities, and hobbies, lest ye become too available and uninteresting…and spend the rest of thy days with 1,000 cats.

9. Thou shalt zip thy lip. Never discuss thy past asses…er…relationships with a potential mate during the early dating stages.

10. Thou shalt never ignore or make excuses for RED FLAGS. Flee-eth as the March wind. He might want to be your man, but he STILL CAN'T!

Selfish

Thoughtless

Inconsiderate

Lies

Living with Mom

Controlling

A Preoccupation with Sex

Negative

Too Many Kids, Baby’s Mamas 

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Weekly Words of Wisdom

"If the road paved with good intentions takes you through hell, keep going! Don't stop." ~ Mama Tyson

He Said, We Said - She's an Alien!

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I met my ex girl friend after 7 years. She was married and has one daughter but now she is divorced. She lives in the USA and I live in Germany. So after I met her again on Facebook, she wanted to come here [to] Germany to visit me. So 3 months [ago] she came here for one week and visited me.

The problem I have is ... she is a completely different person now from the one I know and I cannot understand her. As far I understand, she just simply couldn't answer me a simple question. Rather she makes it more serious and I get angry easily. And I don't know what to do. She said she doesn't want to stop the relationship unless I did. And I think she is waiting for me to act on it... but i don't know .. cause I love her so much. But I really don't know how we are going to live together. Big misunderstanding and it is killing me.

Please help

Signed

She's an Alien

We Said...

Dear She's An Alien,

Dude! She's not an alien, she's the same woman you BROKE UP with the first time. The key word in your question is EX-girlfriend. There are two things you could've done with her when you were with her the first time: marry her or break up. You chose to break up! Seven years was apparently enough time apart for you to forget why you broke up with her in the first place. And one week was all it took to remind you of the reason why you left. Just because you love someone does not mean they are the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with...or even another week. You have the capacity to love a lot of people in your lifetime...you need to find the next one.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Time to let it go...this time for real...and forever.

Amen!

If you have a relationship question you'd like answered, please send your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Absentee Dads: How Women Are Affected, 4 Tips to Cope

I tried to think of a way to make this topic funny, but it's so deeply personal to me that even I failed to find the humor. From Evelyn on Basketball Wives, to Jennifer Aniston, to little unknown me, relationship patterns among women with without strong fathers has one undeniable trend--they're unsuccessful. My father and I couldn't be closer today, but for the first 18 years of my life, he was missing in action. And his absence has had a profound impact on my relationships with men. By no small coincidence, it's also among the subject matter covered in the upcoming sequel to The Bum Magnet, Got a Right to Be Wrong, when Charisse's absentee father reappears for her pending nuptials. Of course, like many women, dad's reappearance can often go over like a lead balloon--as does his.

If you think growing up without a father in your life isn't one of the most significant factors that impact your relationships with men, you really need to take a deeper look inside your feelings. As girls, we need affirmation and appreciation from our father's and male role models. We need to hear we're beautiful, smart...worthy of the best a man has to offer. We need to feel safe and protected. Boys need to observe the way "good men" behave, carry themselves, communicate...and most importantly, how they treat the women in their lives. Unfortunately that role is lost when Daddy's gone and women, no matter how hard they try, women cannot fill that role, especially when the man was missing from our own lives.

Society always places so much emphasis on ensuring boys have strong male role models that women are often forgotten in that equation, but think about this for one second. In 2006, 12.9 million families in the United States were headed by a single parent, 80 percent of those female. 80 friggin' percent! That means we as women, and our dysfunctional relationships with men, will impact not only our own lives, but the quality of relationships that our children and our children's children will have in their lifetimes. If we can't get it right, then with 80 percent of us heading households, our kids probably won't either.

Studies show that teenage girls without fathers in the home engage in sexual activity earlier, have higher rates of teenage pregnancy, and some even enter puberty sooner. Not to mention behavioral and academic problems.

As grown women, those issues manifest themselves in a number of different ways, including:

1. Low-self esteem, skewed senses of self-worth. After all, the man who was supposed to be genetically disposed to love us and keep us safe has rejected us (or so many of us believe). In our minds, we weren't worthy enough for him to step up to plate and meet his responsibility. Of course common sense says he had issues that had nothing to do with us, but our hearts haven't quite learned to translate his absence in that way.
2. Fear of commitment. Many of us become serial daters or monogamists because we don't want to place full faith and confidence in any man.
3. Trust issues. Even in committed seemingly healthy relationships with with good men, we live with the expectation that someday, their going to leave us or let us down. So, we're constantly looking over our shoulders...and theirs.
4. Attraction to emotionally unavailable men...just like daddy. Many of us will unconsciously replicate the relationship with our absentee dads. Seem crazy doesn't it? To chase men for a love we know they aren't capable of giving? That's because we're experienced at it. For our entire lives we've craved a love from our fathers that they weren't capable or willing to provide. So looking for love from an unwilling partner becomes the norm and we don't know the feeling of acceptance because we've never received willing love from a man.
5. Fear of abandonment. Always afraid someone's going to leave us, we cling to relationships with a Kung Fu death grip. We almost refuse release painful or hurtful relationships because we're so scared we may not find anyone else to love us. It's better to keep a sorry piece of man than to experience the pain of him leaving.
6. Promiscuity. Some women seek love through sex because they have no sense of self-worth. Never had a man to say they are precious, beautiful, and important. Never felt protected. We need to feel safe and wanted, even if that only occurs during a brief moment of intercourse. We don't believe we are smart, worthy, or valuable enough to attract love any other way.

These issues are serious, deeply rooted, and can't be fixed in a day or month. For many, it may take years. As with any road to healing, it all begins with one step at a time. One day at a time. Here are four steps to begin on the road to coping with the pain of our past and focusing on our futures.

1. Admit that your father's absence has negative affected your life. Pray to God. Talk to your pastor. Go to therapy. Hell, talk to yourself if that helps. So many of us put up fronts and say, "I'm doing just fine without my daddy in my life." You've achieved some level of success without him. But there's a hole in your emotional well-being, and always will be, until you face the fact two simple facts: You needed him, and he wasn't there for you.
2. Write a letter. Tell your father how much his absence hurt you. Tell him what he missed and tell him what happened to you because he wasn't there to protect you. Tell him you're angry. Tell him you hate how he behaved. Let it all out. If you're in contact with your father, you may want to give the letter to him. If not, then put the letter away until you're ready to throw it away.
3. Forgive him. Yes, at some point, you have to let go of your pain and move on with the rest of your life with the understanding that your life is bigger than your father's mistakes. Who you are, the woman you're destined to become, is greater than your past. You can grow from your pain and you can have healthy happy relationships despite the way your father treated you (or didn't treat you). Forgiveness frees you to let go and focus on your future.
4. Ensure your children have strong male role models. Don't repeat the pattern. You're an adult so you may feel it's too late for you...but it's not too late for your children. Eighty percent! You have a responsibility to your kids to keep them from becoming statistics. Ensure your kids have mentors and role models, inside of the family and out.

Absentee fathers, whether they are in the home or outside of it, leave holes in their daughters' emotional development that women don't understand how to fill. And if we haven't had positive male role models, we'll likely seek to fill it with something emotionally and/or physically dysfunctional. The fact of the matter is, nothing and no one could fill the void left by a father's absence. But you can move on and, with a little forgiveness and healing, you can still become the best version of yourself and embrace positive relationships with men.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon