Break Ups Too Hard? Here are the Top 8 Easiest Methods to Chuck 'Em And Run

Breaking up with someone you've been committed to for any length of time really bites the big one. Sometimes we hang onto relationships far longer than we need to (or have to) because we're do chickensh*t to do the deed and give our soon-to-be ex the AXE. We don't know how or when to do it. We don't know what to say. So, sometimes it just feels easier to do nothing and suffer in silence. After all, if you're unhappy long enough, they'll catch on and leave you eventually, right?

Wrong! Sometimes misery loves company. And the more miserable you are, the happier the your mate is.

Sure, there are those who will tell you that honesty is the best policy. That you should break up face-to-face, in private, be honest about your reasons and be direct, hear out your soon-to-be-ex and let them get their issues off their chest before you part as friends and move on with your separate lives. But that's hard. Honesty is hard. Being face-to-face with the heart you're about to break and dreams you're about to crush can be a real downer. We don't like downers.

If you have found yourself in one such situation, fret not. We're going to tell you how to escape your living hell without stress, worry, or fear--or courage.

1. It's not you, it's me. Oh, it's an oldie but a goodie. Your conversation should go something like this. "You're too good for me. I realize that I need time to work on myself to become the man/woman you deserve/need. It might not be today, might not be tomorrow, but I'm coming back for you someday when I've got my life together." Gotta be careful that you have someone with high self esteem for this work. The worst case scenario is that you have someone who thinks so little of themselves that they deserve the unworthy you and are willing to accept you as you are. Yikes. Also, the key here is to NEVER go back. Ever. And no "one for the road" if you know what I'm saying!

2. Text Message/Email. Listen, I know it may seem cold, unfeeling, and a little bit of a b*tch move, but if you wanted to be a decent human being, you wouldn't be reading this article for advice. Seriously. The decent thing to do would be to sit down and tell them in person. The easy thing--drop them a text and/or an email (I prefer both). Saves stress and upset people...well...they upset me. I don't like that.

3. Cheat and Get Caught. You gotta make sure you have a no nonsense, no BS-accepting mate for this method to be effective. The worst thing that could happen is that you'd have a mate who would forgive you and then hold it over your head for the rest of your life. Then you'd be forced to behave or break up by being honest and telling them the relationship sucked for you...you know...the way you probably should've in the first place.

4. Disappear. Yep, drop off the face of the earth. Don't take phone calls, respond to texts, emails. If they catch up with you, tell them you'll meet them somewhere and don't show up. These actions are generally shady enough to run off any sane, respectable mates. What you have to be careful of are the stalkers, the ones who will hunt you down like the conniving dog you are and search the ends of the earth until they find you.

5. Argue Constantly. Nitpick at anything and every flaw and problem you can think of. Go to bed arguing and wake up arguing. Argue over breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Argue any time there is a silence. And be stupid or mean. Pick one or the other--not both. Being both might get you killed. That's argue overload and might cause someone to pop a cap in you. We don't like popped caps.

6. On Facebook or Twitter. Nothing says, "I'm through with your a$$" like a "Sorry, it's over, been real" Tweet or Facebook Wall Post. The best part is you get to break up with your mate and their entire network at once. And they can't question whether or not it really happened because all their friends and followers will be witnesses. The key here is to unfriend them immediately, otherwise you might get cyber-stalked and that could get ugly.

7. In Public. It should be a restaurant, Starbuck's, Applebee's or Ruby Tuesdays someplace that has a nice crowd but isn't too noisy. Also, no place really classy where they might call the police on your for disturbing the peace...just in case things get further out of hand than you planned. If you're dating a happy drunk, buy them a couple of drinks first. That'll help soften the blow and the break-up won't hit them until they sober up.

8. In the presence of your family members. This method is kind of like delivering bad news in a restaurant to keep them from reacting violently to your break up. Even better, you have your support network to support you. No matter how wrong you are they'll probably be on your side...probably. And plus they can protect you from getting your butt whooped if your mate decides to go off. The key here is to avoid your mate's family like the plague because you will catch a beat down for sure. I'm just sayin'!

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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He Said, We Said - Ho to a Housewife?

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I've been married 6 years and have 3 beautiful children. My wife continues to go out to bars til 3 in the morning and I hear later how she was dancing on the bar and on poles and what not. I do Love her to death, but can not continue to go through this. We have talked on counseling but she will not go through with it. Now lately I have stooped to her level (knowing its not right) but started going out as well. But of course if I do it and don't come home til 3 or 4 I'm a bad father. I've only done it twice but already feel that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Its starting to affect my kids now, and I'm considering leaving and getting shared custody. Am I wrong for not wanting my kids brought up in that kind of environment. I believe our kids deserve a better life and should not have to go through this. Seriously need advise from those that have been through it. Thanks in advance to all that input!

Signed,

Partied Out

We Said...

Dear Partied Out,

We certainly feel your pain, but something tells us this partying didn't just begin overnight. She was probably partying when you met her, dropping shots like jelly beans, getting her groove on in the club and you thought that was sexy to death. And, oh yes Lord, when she hiked her leg up and wrapped it around that same pole you now scorn, your eyes glazed over with lust as you said to yourself, "Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. That's my future ex-wife!" You knew what you were getting into when you married her, you were probably just hoping a husband and three kids would be enough to tame her. And you were wrong.

Get off the love short bus, honey. YOU can't turn a ho into a housewife. She still believes shaking her ass is still more important to her than shaking these party girl habits and she's not going to change until she's ready. Moreover, your partying will only compound an already bad situation. We don't blame you of course, but you're going to have to be the grown up for your kids' sake.

With that said, you're right about one thing--no woman, not even their mother, comes before the well-being of your kids. Her behavior is bad enough, but you guys are probably fighting like cats and dogs which without question will have a longer-term effect on their emotional health. While you might have the urge to start issuing ultimatums, we don't suggest you do that because she will just resent you for making her change her lifestyle. Just explain to her that you're not threatening her with divorce, but you think her behavior is detrimental to the kids and let her know that she has a choice to make: separate and get her own place until she gets the partying out of her system or stay and respect her family. Allow her to choose her course freely and without any pressure from you. Say what you have to say and don't argue, don't fuss. Just make it clear that the status quo is absolutely unacceptable for the sake of the children. You chose her. She chooses to party. But your children had no choice in this matter...and they deserve better, don't you think? Let's just hope their mother does too.

If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please email us a SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Relationship on the Rocks? Top 7 Signs You Might Need to Pack It In

Here's a secret...love isn't perfect. I know what you're thinking, "Tell me something I didn't know" right? It's natural to believe that when you hit a few bumps in the road of your relationship that you just need to "hang in there" and "work through it." This too shall pass. Your significant other isn't perfect...and neither are you. Bumps are inevitable. On the other hand, you'd like nothing better than to run over them with your car and then back up once or twice for good measure.

We've all been there, haven't we? You've been in a relationship for a few months...or a few years, trying to make it work because you've invested so much of your time, energy, and your heart. Problem is...you're at the end of your rope...and you'd like to hang your significant other with it. You still love them, at least you think you do when you're not questioning whether it was love to begin with. And the sex is still off the chain, even if only after a heated argument. Oh, they have other redeeming qualities too. For example, they're beautiful as they are walking away, and you could spend the entire day in bed with them...as long as they keep they keep a pillow over their head and don't attempt to touch you.

When you start feeling this way, a break up may be inevitable. You pout and say, "But it's so haaaaard! I don't wanna." No one likes to be the bearer of that bad news. I mean, really. Who wants to be the cause of someone's hurt and pain...or even our own loneliness? Nobody. But you must realize that every relationship has its reason and its season. Some people are meant to be with you for a moment. Others are meant to be with you for a lifetime. And hanging on to someone who doesn't genuinely love you or better still--can't love you in a way that allows you be the best version of yourself and grow as a person--will only lengthen the time it takes for you to get to the person who can.

Not sure whether it's time to go? Here are 7 signs that may suggest it's time to assess where you are in your relationship and whether it's still worth continuing.

1. Sex is history. The story of your sex life goes from reading like the Daily News to the Memoirs of an Invisible Orgasm. A healthy sex life is one sign of a healthy relationship...or at least a sign that you're still willing to touch them. If you arrive at the point where the thought of them touching grates on your nerves like nails on a chalkboard, you're probably ready to go.
2. Love amnesia. When you first met them, you could write a book on all of the reasons why they made you happy, now you'd struggle to write a sentence. Your good times are stored in your long-term memory and all you can think about is your strategy for winning the next argument.
3. Escalating fights. Your arguments progress from small verbal disagreement to death matches and frequently involve utensils and artillery. Verbal arguments are natural, but when they get unfair, ruthless, and nasty, you may need to think about leaving. Physical fights=way bad. If you've cut off your husbands penis and thrown it in the garbage disposal, the time to leave was probably about five minutes before you picked up the knife.
4. Change in perception. Those endearing flaws become major irritants. What used to be the cute little mole above her lip now looks more like the mark of Beelzebub. And they haven't changed, but your perception has. When we're in love with someone, we overlook their flaws. When we're falling out of love, we place them under a microscope and examine them until they become distorted reflections of what we imagined them to be when we met them.
5. Future? What future? Your dreams of walking down the aisle and having kids are now nightmares you can't shake with consuming large quantities of alcohol and sedatives. Your relationship should always be growing and moving forward, even if it just inches forward. Stagnation will always leave you wanting something more. If the thought of spending another day, let alone the rest of your life with someone makes you physically ill, it's time to consider packing those bags.
6. Failure to communicate. Communication is among the most important elements of a relationship, yet your house is as quiet as a Charlie Chaplain movie. You don't talk to each other. You might talk at each other or around each other, but neither one of you is getting your point across. More importantly, you don't listen...nor do you want to listen. When you've reached a point where you no longer even care whether you communicate, the end of your relationship is probably closer than you think.
7. Blissfully alone. You're happier when you're apart than you are when you're together. More than that, you are the best version of yourself when they aren't around you. Your relationship is toxic and your entire demeanor changes when you're around them. When they walk into a room, they are like happiness vacuums that suck out all the joy and make you and everyone around them miserable. We should never let anyone steal our joy. If your partner is a dream killer or happiness thief, they've got to go!

Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary for your sanity and your sanctity. No relationship will ever be perfect, but when the imperfections stifle your ability to love and be the person you're meant to be, leaving may be the best thing you could ever do for them...and yourself.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Weekly Words of Wisdom

"A best friend is like pet dog with flees. You love it no matter what, but it's probably not a good idea to sleep with it." ~~ Mama Tyson

She Said, We Said--Fell in Love with My BFF

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

Recently I mustered enough courage to tell my best friend of 6 yrs that I love him, and he basically said he doesn't feel the same. Every since I feel like he's tromping all over my feelings. He told me that he told a mutual friend of ours, who's interested in me, that I like him. I did say once I found our friend attractive but why tell that, especially so soon after I poured my heart out to him? He also tries to make me think he's in need by saying "Oh I'm so cold... it's so cold here", as if I'm suppose to say "oh let me keep you warm".

He use to, I guess jokingly, say to me "I love you, do you love me?" or "Why do you love me?" Well he's started that up again. Why? Why use such sensitive phrases and questions like that right now? Is that funny to him? And he keeps telling me how he's exchanging flirty banter over fb with a mutual girlfriend of ours, and how another one of our friends is helping fill her head to his advantage. Both of these girls I have to interact with as we live in the same state, and he doesn't. He's basically saying this girl he likes could become my replacement.

Before I professed my feelings I had cut him off for a bit because he was pursuing a girl just like me, but had never attempted to pursue me. When we finally spoke again, he said he didn't want to lose me as a friend, and that maybe one day he would see me as more.

Now, he's hinting at me possibly being replaced? What's going on? Why is he trying to hurt me like this? What did I do to deserve such cruel treatment?

Signed,

I've got the Best Friend Blues.

We Said...

Dear Best Friend Blues,

Ahhhh, unrequited love, and with a best friend no less. We've been there done that more times than we care to recall. The line between love and friendship is a thin and often confusing one, especially if you're looking at your situation with your heart and not your head. If we've said it once, we'll say it again: If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would've asked you to be his girlfriend. Simple as that. Men aren't mysterious creatures. If they want something they know how to pursue it. Seems your friend has told you not only in plain English, but in the way that he treats you, that he doesn't want to be your man. So there is only one thing left for you to do--believe him! He means it. He doesn't just mean it, he really really means it. Let us make this clear--he's not replacing you. You never had a place in his heart to begin with so you can't be replaced.

Don't be confused by any mixed signals he may have sent after you shared your feelings. His playing with your head is a sign of his immaturity, not hope! It's not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't care to get in your pants--the one clear thing that separates girlfriends from best friends. His line is clear as day, it's only yours that's a little murky.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Move on! From now on, if you want to know if a man really wants to be with you, then let HIM pursue YOU. Don't ever make the first move. Then you will never have any doubts, and you can avoid putting your feelings out there to be tromped on. We think you need to make a clean break of this relationship, not for him, but for yourself. Give yourself some time to let your heart heal. Focus on yourself and activities that you love to do, become happy within yourself, and the right guy will be drawn to you like flies to a dead bunny. Then you'll know he was meant for you!

If you have any relationship issues you'd like the solutions to, please write us at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com

He Said, We Said - She's an Alien!

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I met my ex girl friend after 7 years. She was married and has one daughter but now she is divorced. She lives in the USA and I live in Germany. So after I met her again on Facebook, she wanted to come here [to] Germany to visit me. So 3 months [ago] she came here for one week and visited me.

The problem I have is ... she is a completely different person now from the one I know and I cannot understand her. As far I understand, she just simply couldn't answer me a simple question. Rather she makes it more serious and I get angry easily. And I don't know what to do. She said she doesn't want to stop the relationship unless I did. And I think she is waiting for me to act on it... but i don't know .. cause I love her so much. But I really don't know how we are going to live together. Big misunderstanding and it is killing me.

Please help

Signed

She's an Alien

We Said...

Dear She's An Alien,

Dude! She's not an alien, she's the same woman you BROKE UP with the first time. The key word in your question is EX-girlfriend. There are two things you could've done with her when you were with her the first time: marry her or break up. You chose to break up! Seven years was apparently enough time apart for you to forget why you broke up with her in the first place. And one week was all it took to remind you of the reason why you left. Just because you love someone does not mean they are the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with...or even another week. You have the capacity to love a lot of people in your lifetime...you need to find the next one.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Time to let it go...this time for real...and forever.

Amen!

If you have a relationship question you'd like answered, please send your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Absentee Dads: How Women Are Affected, 4 Tips to Cope

I tried to think of a way to make this topic funny, but it's so deeply personal to me that even I failed to find the humor. From Evelyn on Basketball Wives, to Jennifer Aniston, to little unknown me, relationship patterns among women with without strong fathers has one undeniable trend--they're unsuccessful. My father and I couldn't be closer today, but for the first 18 years of my life, he was missing in action. And his absence has had a profound impact on my relationships with men. By no small coincidence, it's also among the subject matter covered in the upcoming sequel to The Bum Magnet, Got a Right to Be Wrong, when Charisse's absentee father reappears for her pending nuptials. Of course, like many women, dad's reappearance can often go over like a lead balloon--as does his.

If you think growing up without a father in your life isn't one of the most significant factors that impact your relationships with men, you really need to take a deeper look inside your feelings. As girls, we need affirmation and appreciation from our father's and male role models. We need to hear we're beautiful, smart...worthy of the best a man has to offer. We need to feel safe and protected. Boys need to observe the way "good men" behave, carry themselves, communicate...and most importantly, how they treat the women in their lives. Unfortunately that role is lost when Daddy's gone and women, no matter how hard they try, women cannot fill that role, especially when the man was missing from our own lives.

Society always places so much emphasis on ensuring boys have strong male role models that women are often forgotten in that equation, but think about this for one second. In 2006, 12.9 million families in the United States were headed by a single parent, 80 percent of those female. 80 friggin' percent! That means we as women, and our dysfunctional relationships with men, will impact not only our own lives, but the quality of relationships that our children and our children's children will have in their lifetimes. If we can't get it right, then with 80 percent of us heading households, our kids probably won't either.

Studies show that teenage girls without fathers in the home engage in sexual activity earlier, have higher rates of teenage pregnancy, and some even enter puberty sooner. Not to mention behavioral and academic problems.

As grown women, those issues manifest themselves in a number of different ways, including:

1. Low-self esteem, skewed senses of self-worth. After all, the man who was supposed to be genetically disposed to love us and keep us safe has rejected us (or so many of us believe). In our minds, we weren't worthy enough for him to step up to plate and meet his responsibility. Of course common sense says he had issues that had nothing to do with us, but our hearts haven't quite learned to translate his absence in that way.
2. Fear of commitment. Many of us become serial daters or monogamists because we don't want to place full faith and confidence in any man.
3. Trust issues. Even in committed seemingly healthy relationships with with good men, we live with the expectation that someday, their going to leave us or let us down. So, we're constantly looking over our shoulders...and theirs.
4. Attraction to emotionally unavailable men...just like daddy. Many of us will unconsciously replicate the relationship with our absentee dads. Seem crazy doesn't it? To chase men for a love we know they aren't capable of giving? That's because we're experienced at it. For our entire lives we've craved a love from our fathers that they weren't capable or willing to provide. So looking for love from an unwilling partner becomes the norm and we don't know the feeling of acceptance because we've never received willing love from a man.
5. Fear of abandonment. Always afraid someone's going to leave us, we cling to relationships with a Kung Fu death grip. We almost refuse release painful or hurtful relationships because we're so scared we may not find anyone else to love us. It's better to keep a sorry piece of man than to experience the pain of him leaving.
6. Promiscuity. Some women seek love through sex because they have no sense of self-worth. Never had a man to say they are precious, beautiful, and important. Never felt protected. We need to feel safe and wanted, even if that only occurs during a brief moment of intercourse. We don't believe we are smart, worthy, or valuable enough to attract love any other way.

These issues are serious, deeply rooted, and can't be fixed in a day or month. For many, it may take years. As with any road to healing, it all begins with one step at a time. One day at a time. Here are four steps to begin on the road to coping with the pain of our past and focusing on our futures.

1. Admit that your father's absence has negative affected your life. Pray to God. Talk to your pastor. Go to therapy. Hell, talk to yourself if that helps. So many of us put up fronts and say, "I'm doing just fine without my daddy in my life." You've achieved some level of success without him. But there's a hole in your emotional well-being, and always will be, until you face the fact two simple facts: You needed him, and he wasn't there for you.
2. Write a letter. Tell your father how much his absence hurt you. Tell him what he missed and tell him what happened to you because he wasn't there to protect you. Tell him you're angry. Tell him you hate how he behaved. Let it all out. If you're in contact with your father, you may want to give the letter to him. If not, then put the letter away until you're ready to throw it away.
3. Forgive him. Yes, at some point, you have to let go of your pain and move on with the rest of your life with the understanding that your life is bigger than your father's mistakes. Who you are, the woman you're destined to become, is greater than your past. You can grow from your pain and you can have healthy happy relationships despite the way your father treated you (or didn't treat you). Forgiveness frees you to let go and focus on your future.
4. Ensure your children have strong male role models. Don't repeat the pattern. You're an adult so you may feel it's too late for you...but it's not too late for your children. Eighty percent! You have a responsibility to your kids to keep them from becoming statistics. Ensure your kids have mentors and role models, inside of the family and out.

Absentee fathers, whether they are in the home or outside of it, leave holes in their daughters' emotional development that women don't understand how to fill. And if we haven't had positive male role models, we'll likely seek to fill it with something emotionally and/or physically dysfunctional. The fact of the matter is, nothing and no one could fill the void left by a father's absence. But you can move on and, with a little forgiveness and healing, you can still become the best version of yourself and embrace positive relationships with men.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon

Booty Call to Boyfriend: 5 Ways to Make Him Yours

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Mhm. Hmm. Got good to you didn’t it? He gave you everything you thought you needed. Mind-blowing sex, attention, affection (however brief) . . . and . . . and . . . uhhh . . . mind-blowing sex. Uncomplicated. Brief (relatively speaking…at least we hope so for your sake). And available at the press of a button--or ten of them. But you like to keep this one on speed dial, don’t you?

He could be the ex-boyfriend whose bridge you failed to burn, a “friend” about whom you’ve always been curious, a one-night stand who wants more left-overs…I mean do-overs. Or maybe you’re just recovering from your most current disaster and have sworn off of men…or at least the non-protruding parts. You just need a little somethin’ somethin’ to scratch the itch every now and again.

He serves his purpose well. Never steps a toe out of line or calls outside of the mandated booty call hours of ten p.m. to six a.m. … that is until tragedy strikes. He—in a lonely moment or in his overly zealous effort to sustain his premier sexual status—squeezed a little tighter, stayed a little longer, shared a few more conversations. In the aftermath, still deliriously high on pheromones, you wonder if maybe, just maybe, he might be “the one.” You couldn’t help yourself. After all, your Mom forgot to tell you that your va-jay-jay is directly connected to your heart, while his penis is directly connected to his short-term memory.

No, you haven’t even so much as gone dutch on a movie. You’ve never hung out with he and his friends. He doesn’t do anything for you except supply condoms and…well…you know. He’s never expressed a remote desire to take your relationship to any other level than horizontal…or further than the confines of the threshold of the bedroom door. Yet and still, you believe maybe there’s a chance that he’s “the one.”

Here are a five ways that you can win his love and turn that booty call into a boyfriend.

1. Rearrange his chromosomes. Add an “X” and remove the “Y.” Obviously, you want him to act like a man and think like a lady. You want his penis connected to his heart instead of the short-term memory and that’s not going to happen without major surgery. You’re a booty call and that’s the only way he’ll ever view you because that’ all you’ve ever been.

2. Give him a heart transplant…and replace it with one programmed to love you. Oh, he has the capacity to love and love deeply. The problem is that he doesn’t want to love you. If he wanted to love you, you’d be his girlfriend and not his booty call.

3. Give him amnesia, so he can forget about your walk through the valley of Ho-ville. No man wants to believe his woman, the one he honors and has committed to, could even conceive of having capricious sex with any old man. You set the standard for yourself and, in his eyes, the standard is “Any old d*ck will do ya.” If you want more from him, the only thing he might be willing to part with is five extra minutes before he climaxes…if you ask nicely.

4. Give yourself amnesia…so you can forget this stupid idea. Listen, if you want to be a girlfriend, you’re gonna have to start with someone new and act like girlfriend material from the jump. That means set standards for what you want and need from a relationship upfront…and don’t compromise! And don’t give up booty until he openly expresses his desire for commitment

5. Sever the limb and start over. No, don’t cut him off literally, but do so figuratively. Cut the relationship, admit that you rushed into it, made some poor decisions, and that you’d like to see if there is a possibility to begin again and approach things differently. If he agrees, then you know you have a winner. If not, then let it go. Keep it moving. And don’t look back. 

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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She Said, We Said - The Ass? Or Green Grass?

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nissey,

I have been married for five months today. I think it was a big mistake. He lies a lot about everything. I have three kids from a previous marriage, he acts inappropriately around them (swearing, fighting with them). I've started to have feelings for someone who has been interested in me for a long time. This guy is amazing, he is everything that you could ask for in a man. I feel confused and don't know what to do. If I leave my marriage I want to know for sure that it's not because of this other guy. We've been getting lots of counseling, sometimes things seem better, other times they are back to the same old. What do I do????

Additional Details

We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married. He was great with the kids prior to marriage. Yes it was too quick.

I am in no way seeing this other guy.

This marriage was pretty much over before I started talking to this other guy at all. He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest. He's actually helping me on how to handle things to have the least amount of conflict.

I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband.
My ex helps out in every way. I do not need someone to support my children. He actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better.

I'm really not comfortable talking to my kids about what they think. What if they tell me they don't like him and then it ends. Will they feel to blame for the rest of their lives. I listen to them and observe. Don't get me wrong. Their opinion is very important to me, but I'm not sure including them in the decision making is the best way to go about things.

I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.

I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.

Signed

The Ass? Or Green Grass?

We Said

Dear The Ass? Or Green Grass?,

First things first. This is a long ass letter and we thought it would be better to answer this one in stages. Let's start at five and a half years ago. Now, we don't know a thing about your first marriage, but we would bet mama's girdle that he's a lot like the second fool. While we commend you for taking five and a half years off before dating, here's the problem: You didn't work on yourself and your issues.

How do we know?

Husband number #2.

You're a bum magnet. Plain and simple. You just have an extended waiting period between bums. Whether you stay married or let it go, take some time to work on yourself! See Monday's article on the 12-step recovery program to healthier relationship and follow each step to the letter. You have some issues you need to clean out of your "closet" before you even THINK about getting into another relationship.

Now, let's talk about husband #2. You said: We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married; he lies a lot about everything; he actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better; I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him; if we were dating it would have been over a long time ago.

Hmmm... Besides all of his other issues, sounds to us as if you answered your own question. "If we were dating, it would have been over a long time ago." We got news for you sista--you shoulda dated and it shoulda been over a long time ago. The problem is you didn't take time to get to know him. But why would you do that when you didn't even take time to get to know yourself?

Finally, let's talk about Mr. Grass is Greener. Here's things you need to take note of from your letter. 1 -I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband. You know what this says to us? He doesn't want you! He's had a chance to start a relationship with you and never took it. Then you said, "He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest." Any man who really wants to be with you, will not and we repeat--will not--want your marriage to work. No. He's probably trying to be a friend and you've caught of case of superhero syndrome, mistaking his kindness for a desire to be with you. The larger problem is that he sees how eff'ed up you are and if he picks you that will make him a bumette magnet and you don't need to be with him anyway. In addition, with you dumping all of your issues on his lap, there isn't any room for your ass. If you ever want to be with him, you better work on yourself and let him fall in love with the you in recovery, not the you in crisis.

Get off the short bus, honey! Take some time, work on you. If you're in counseling, you better work on yourself first before you even think about trying to fix a marriage that shouldn't exist in the first place.

If you have a relationship issue, problem, or challenge that you'd like our help with, please email your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.