12 Honeymoons -- And Finding Your Passion

I've just finished my latest romance novel--12 Honeymoons.

While on the surface the story is about finding love, the core of the story is really about finding your passion.

It took me almost 40 years to figure our my passion for this writing thing even though I'd done it for most of my life--even as an Intelligence Analyst. I mean, I've kept journals since I was 7 or 8. The best thing my mother did was buy me my first diary. I wrote my first word and never stopped writing. I write more now than in any other time of my life. And as I reflected on the joy I felt in doing this thing, I kept asking myself over and over again -- Why in the world could I not have figured out that I was meant to be a writer sooner? 

That's one of the key themes of my newest romance novel--finding your passion, directly as a result of this question to myself. And I came up with this theory about theory about how people find their passions--and why it doesn't matter which road you take as long as you get there.   

Some people are born knowing exactly who they want to be. I think of someone like Michael Jackson. I mean he was practically moonwalking in the crib. He was born knowing exactly who he wanted to be and he was driven to do that until he died. Music was a part of the fabric of his life, of his being, and he never thought or considered doing another thing. For some people, it's that easy...and that hard. 

Others have ZERO clue about their passions or their callings, so they kind of wander around life from thing to thing to thing to thing, trying to find that ONE thing that drives them, that brings out the best in them, that awakes their souls. To those on the outside looking in, they seem flighty or unfocused, but in truth I believe the lack of focus is a sign of hopefulness. They try and try and try but just can't figure out the passion--yet and still they haven't given up. 

Then there are people like me. They know EXACTLY what they are supposed to be, what they are called to do, where their true passion lies. And they've known it from a young age. But they talk themselves out of it. Tell themselves that the dream is impossible. They don't have training, the education, the looks, the knowledge, the energy, the will, whatever. So, they flit around from thing to thing succeeding or failing miserably. You can succeed miserably if you're succeeding in something you have no true passion for. And you're driven by this debilitating misery and constantly hitting ceilings and brick walls and road bumps dead ends, all of which I believe, are designed to guide you to the thing you truly love. It's the most painful process of elimination EVER. And the journey feels unnecessary, but I believe, in many cases, it is very much necessary.  

I would not have the LIFE EXPERIENCE to pull off the romance books I've written or this J.J. McCall series if I  had not taken the significant detour from writing so early in my life. I'd probably still be a good writer--but then what the hell would I write about? Nothing quite as interesting as the subjects of my books today--that's for certain! 

Bottom line is no matter which route that you take to get to your passion, your calling, the thing you were meant to do above any other, enjoy the journey and use it as fuel to help propel you forward in whatever stage you find it. 

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Relationship on the Rocks? Top 7 Signs You Might Need to Pack It In

Here's a secret...love isn't perfect. I know what you're thinking, "Tell me something I didn't know" right? It's natural to believe that when you hit a few bumps in the road of your relationship that you just need to "hang in there" and "work through it." This too shall pass. Your significant other isn't perfect...and neither are you. Bumps are inevitable. On the other hand, you'd like nothing better than to run over them with your car and then back up once or twice for good measure.

We've all been there, haven't we? You've been in a relationship for a few months...or a few years, trying to make it work because you've invested so much of your time, energy, and your heart. Problem is...you're at the end of your rope...and you'd like to hang your significant other with it. You still love them, at least you think you do when you're not questioning whether it was love to begin with. And the sex is still off the chain, even if only after a heated argument. Oh, they have other redeeming qualities too. For example, they're beautiful as they are walking away, and you could spend the entire day in bed with them...as long as they keep they keep a pillow over their head and don't attempt to touch you.

When you start feeling this way, a break up may be inevitable. You pout and say, "But it's so haaaaard! I don't wanna." No one likes to be the bearer of that bad news. I mean, really. Who wants to be the cause of someone's hurt and pain...or even our own loneliness? Nobody. But you must realize that every relationship has its reason and its season. Some people are meant to be with you for a moment. Others are meant to be with you for a lifetime. And hanging on to someone who doesn't genuinely love you or better still--can't love you in a way that allows you be the best version of yourself and grow as a person--will only lengthen the time it takes for you to get to the person who can.

Not sure whether it's time to go? Here are 7 signs that may suggest it's time to assess where you are in your relationship and whether it's still worth continuing.

1. Sex is history. The story of your sex life goes from reading like the Daily News to the Memoirs of an Invisible Orgasm. A healthy sex life is one sign of a healthy relationship...or at least a sign that you're still willing to touch them. If you arrive at the point where the thought of them touching grates on your nerves like nails on a chalkboard, you're probably ready to go.
2. Love amnesia. When you first met them, you could write a book on all of the reasons why they made you happy, now you'd struggle to write a sentence. Your good times are stored in your long-term memory and all you can think about is your strategy for winning the next argument.
3. Escalating fights. Your arguments progress from small verbal disagreement to death matches and frequently involve utensils and artillery. Verbal arguments are natural, but when they get unfair, ruthless, and nasty, you may need to think about leaving. Physical fights=way bad. If you've cut off your husbands penis and thrown it in the garbage disposal, the time to leave was probably about five minutes before you picked up the knife.
4. Change in perception. Those endearing flaws become major irritants. What used to be the cute little mole above her lip now looks more like the mark of Beelzebub. And they haven't changed, but your perception has. When we're in love with someone, we overlook their flaws. When we're falling out of love, we place them under a microscope and examine them until they become distorted reflections of what we imagined them to be when we met them.
5. Future? What future? Your dreams of walking down the aisle and having kids are now nightmares you can't shake with consuming large quantities of alcohol and sedatives. Your relationship should always be growing and moving forward, even if it just inches forward. Stagnation will always leave you wanting something more. If the thought of spending another day, let alone the rest of your life with someone makes you physically ill, it's time to consider packing those bags.
6. Failure to communicate. Communication is among the most important elements of a relationship, yet your house is as quiet as a Charlie Chaplain movie. You don't talk to each other. You might talk at each other or around each other, but neither one of you is getting your point across. More importantly, you don't listen...nor do you want to listen. When you've reached a point where you no longer even care whether you communicate, the end of your relationship is probably closer than you think.
7. Blissfully alone. You're happier when you're apart than you are when you're together. More than that, you are the best version of yourself when they aren't around you. Your relationship is toxic and your entire demeanor changes when you're around them. When they walk into a room, they are like happiness vacuums that suck out all the joy and make you and everyone around them miserable. We should never let anyone steal our joy. If your partner is a dream killer or happiness thief, they've got to go!

Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary for your sanity and your sanctity. No relationship will ever be perfect, but when the imperfections stifle your ability to love and be the person you're meant to be, leaving may be the best thing you could ever do for them...and yourself.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon

Weekly Words of Wisdom

"A best friend is like pet dog with flees. You love it no matter what, but it's probably not a good idea to sleep with it." ~~ Mama Tyson

He Said, We Said - She's an Alien!

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I met my ex girl friend after 7 years. She was married and has one daughter but now she is divorced. She lives in the USA and I live in Germany. So after I met her again on Facebook, she wanted to come here [to] Germany to visit me. So 3 months [ago] she came here for one week and visited me.

The problem I have is ... she is a completely different person now from the one I know and I cannot understand her. As far I understand, she just simply couldn't answer me a simple question. Rather she makes it more serious and I get angry easily. And I don't know what to do. She said she doesn't want to stop the relationship unless I did. And I think she is waiting for me to act on it... but i don't know .. cause I love her so much. But I really don't know how we are going to live together. Big misunderstanding and it is killing me.

Please help

Signed

She's an Alien

We Said...

Dear She's An Alien,

Dude! She's not an alien, she's the same woman you BROKE UP with the first time. The key word in your question is EX-girlfriend. There are two things you could've done with her when you were with her the first time: marry her or break up. You chose to break up! Seven years was apparently enough time apart for you to forget why you broke up with her in the first place. And one week was all it took to remind you of the reason why you left. Just because you love someone does not mean they are the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with...or even another week. You have the capacity to love a lot of people in your lifetime...you need to find the next one.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Time to let it go...this time for real...and forever.

Amen!

If you have a relationship question you'd like answered, please send your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Booty Call to Boyfriend: 5 Ways to Make Him Yours

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Mhm. Hmm. Got good to you didn’t it? He gave you everything you thought you needed. Mind-blowing sex, attention, affection (however brief) . . . and . . . and . . . uhhh . . . mind-blowing sex. Uncomplicated. Brief (relatively speaking…at least we hope so for your sake). And available at the press of a button--or ten of them. But you like to keep this one on speed dial, don’t you?

He could be the ex-boyfriend whose bridge you failed to burn, a “friend” about whom you’ve always been curious, a one-night stand who wants more left-overs…I mean do-overs. Or maybe you’re just recovering from your most current disaster and have sworn off of men…or at least the non-protruding parts. You just need a little somethin’ somethin’ to scratch the itch every now and again.

He serves his purpose well. Never steps a toe out of line or calls outside of the mandated booty call hours of ten p.m. to six a.m. … that is until tragedy strikes. He—in a lonely moment or in his overly zealous effort to sustain his premier sexual status—squeezed a little tighter, stayed a little longer, shared a few more conversations. In the aftermath, still deliriously high on pheromones, you wonder if maybe, just maybe, he might be “the one.” You couldn’t help yourself. After all, your Mom forgot to tell you that your va-jay-jay is directly connected to your heart, while his penis is directly connected to his short-term memory.

No, you haven’t even so much as gone dutch on a movie. You’ve never hung out with he and his friends. He doesn’t do anything for you except supply condoms and…well…you know. He’s never expressed a remote desire to take your relationship to any other level than horizontal…or further than the confines of the threshold of the bedroom door. Yet and still, you believe maybe there’s a chance that he’s “the one.”

Here are a five ways that you can win his love and turn that booty call into a boyfriend.

1. Rearrange his chromosomes. Add an “X” and remove the “Y.” Obviously, you want him to act like a man and think like a lady. You want his penis connected to his heart instead of the short-term memory and that’s not going to happen without major surgery. You’re a booty call and that’s the only way he’ll ever view you because that’ all you’ve ever been.

2. Give him a heart transplant…and replace it with one programmed to love you. Oh, he has the capacity to love and love deeply. The problem is that he doesn’t want to love you. If he wanted to love you, you’d be his girlfriend and not his booty call.

3. Give him amnesia, so he can forget about your walk through the valley of Ho-ville. No man wants to believe his woman, the one he honors and has committed to, could even conceive of having capricious sex with any old man. You set the standard for yourself and, in his eyes, the standard is “Any old d*ck will do ya.” If you want more from him, the only thing he might be willing to part with is five extra minutes before he climaxes…if you ask nicely.

4. Give yourself amnesia…so you can forget this stupid idea. Listen, if you want to be a girlfriend, you’re gonna have to start with someone new and act like girlfriend material from the jump. That means set standards for what you want and need from a relationship upfront…and don’t compromise! And don’t give up booty until he openly expresses his desire for commitment

5. Sever the limb and start over. No, don’t cut him off literally, but do so figuratively. Cut the relationship, admit that you rushed into it, made some poor decisions, and that you’d like to see if there is a possibility to begin again and approach things differently. If he agrees, then you know you have a winner. If not, then let it go. Keep it moving. And don’t look back. 

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon

Weekly Words of Wisdom

"You can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but there’s a sucker born every minute!" ~ Mama Tyson

She Said, We Said - The Ass? Or Green Grass?

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nissey,

I have been married for five months today. I think it was a big mistake. He lies a lot about everything. I have three kids from a previous marriage, he acts inappropriately around them (swearing, fighting with them). I've started to have feelings for someone who has been interested in me for a long time. This guy is amazing, he is everything that you could ask for in a man. I feel confused and don't know what to do. If I leave my marriage I want to know for sure that it's not because of this other guy. We've been getting lots of counseling, sometimes things seem better, other times they are back to the same old. What do I do????

Additional Details

We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married. He was great with the kids prior to marriage. Yes it was too quick.

I am in no way seeing this other guy.

This marriage was pretty much over before I started talking to this other guy at all. He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest. He's actually helping me on how to handle things to have the least amount of conflict.

I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband.
My ex helps out in every way. I do not need someone to support my children. He actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better.

I'm really not comfortable talking to my kids about what they think. What if they tell me they don't like him and then it ends. Will they feel to blame for the rest of their lives. I listen to them and observe. Don't get me wrong. Their opinion is very important to me, but I'm not sure including them in the decision making is the best way to go about things.

I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.

I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.

Signed

The Ass? Or Green Grass?

We Said

Dear The Ass? Or Green Grass?,

First things first. This is a long ass letter and we thought it would be better to answer this one in stages. Let's start at five and a half years ago. Now, we don't know a thing about your first marriage, but we would bet mama's girdle that he's a lot like the second fool. While we commend you for taking five and a half years off before dating, here's the problem: You didn't work on yourself and your issues.

How do we know?

Husband number #2.

You're a bum magnet. Plain and simple. You just have an extended waiting period between bums. Whether you stay married or let it go, take some time to work on yourself! See Monday's article on the 12-step recovery program to healthier relationship and follow each step to the letter. You have some issues you need to clean out of your "closet" before you even THINK about getting into another relationship.

Now, let's talk about husband #2. You said: We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married; he lies a lot about everything; he actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better; I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him; if we were dating it would have been over a long time ago.

Hmmm... Besides all of his other issues, sounds to us as if you answered your own question. "If we were dating, it would have been over a long time ago." We got news for you sista--you shoulda dated and it shoulda been over a long time ago. The problem is you didn't take time to get to know him. But why would you do that when you didn't even take time to get to know yourself?

Finally, let's talk about Mr. Grass is Greener. Here's things you need to take note of from your letter. 1 -I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband. You know what this says to us? He doesn't want you! He's had a chance to start a relationship with you and never took it. Then you said, "He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest." Any man who really wants to be with you, will not and we repeat--will not--want your marriage to work. No. He's probably trying to be a friend and you've caught of case of superhero syndrome, mistaking his kindness for a desire to be with you. The larger problem is that he sees how eff'ed up you are and if he picks you that will make him a bumette magnet and you don't need to be with him anyway. In addition, with you dumping all of your issues on his lap, there isn't any room for your ass. If you ever want to be with him, you better work on yourself and let him fall in love with the you in recovery, not the you in crisis.

Get off the short bus, honey! Take some time, work on you. If you're in counseling, you better work on yourself first before you even think about trying to fix a marriage that shouldn't exist in the first place.

If you have a relationship issue, problem, or challenge that you'd like our help with, please email your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

So, You're a Bum Magnet, Huh? Here's Your 12-Step Program for Healthier Relationships

Okay, so last week's post got into the nitty gritty of the causes most frequently at the root of bum magnetism. But you didn't think I was gonna leave it there, did you? No way. The following 12-step program, devised by yours truly, is not only meant to help heal your soul but also fix your broken bum detector so that you can enjoy happier and healthier relationships. Are they easy? No. But nothing worth doing ever is...

Step 1: Own it, honey! Ain't no shame in the game. Recovery cannot begin if you're still lying like a cheap rug to yourself, friends, and family. Remember, you're the only one who hasn't acknowledged your secret. Everybody else knows. Admission helps you close the door of self denial and open the door to a new beginning.

Step 2: Decide when you're through with unhealthy relationships...and then don't enter into them anymore. If you want to keep on bouncing from joker to joker, then by all means, the choice is yours. But when you finally decide you're through, then live your life in a way that everyone in your life understands bums, players, etc. are no longer acceptable.

Step 3: Clean the skeletons out of your closet. Hell, we all know that bum magnets have loads upon loads of unwanted unnecessary shit in their emotional baggage. The day of denial is over and done. Build up the courage to face it head on and air it out to yourself, to the people involved, or whomever it takes for you to unload your lifetime of crap. Do it now while you are in control of how you handle it, rather than waiting until the shit unexpectedly hits the fan. Shit splatter is no fun to clean up. You want to deal with your mess in "healing" mode, not "survival" mode.

Step 4: Dump the trash. Once you face your issues and get all the crap on the table, then it's time to let it go. Release it. And this is one area where you don't want to "green." Don't store it for recycling. No. You need to go Bernie from Waiting to Exhale and let it burn!

Step 5: And, yes, that means the bum too! While your ridding yourself of all this other stuff, best to get rid of the symptom as well as the disease. You made a bad selection. Big mistake. Now you're gonna try and stick it out? For what? Wait for him to change? Wait until you change? The problem is that you were broken when you picked him and you need time to work on yourself. Besides, I have yet to see two wrongs make a right.

Step 6: Vow to stop dating until you get your picker fixed. Your bum detector needs repaired like a mo' fo' and you've already admitted it. Allow yourself to heal before you start jumping and diving into a new relationship and end up right back where you started. You've been wrong long enough. Time to allow yourself the time to grow so you can get it right.

Step 7: Take inventory of your life--past and present--and make THREE lists. In the first, list qualities that describe who you are. In the second, list qualities of the person you'd like to be (if you don't have anything to put on this list, see Step 1). On the third, make a road map of how you can get to List A to List B. (For example: List one: I'm opinionated. List two: A better communicator. List three: Shut up and listen.) Reward yourself for accomplishments but don't punish yourself for failures. We're all works in progress. Nobody's perfect.

Step 8: Ask your higher power for help and guidance to help you become a better you and fix that damn bum detector. I know what you're thinking. Why isn't this number one? Well, I'll tell you why. I find that folks frequently seek out help from the higher power but don't know what the heck they are asking for. And then the prayer or request gets answered and it's not what you wanted. And you say to God, "Okay, that's what I said, but that's not what I meant." In this list, by the time you get to Step 8, you've examined enough about your own self and issues that you know what to ask for in terms of what you need. I call this engaging in educated prayer.

Step 9: Tap into that inner voice, from whatever your source is, particularly when challenging situations or questions arise, and when it tells you what to do--you damn well better LISTEN to it! Stop ignoring the signs. Stop suppressing that inkling, funny feeling, suspicion, doubt, or other red flag that says, "Run, Forest. Run!" and RUN!

Step 10: Make a list of positive, healthy qualities (i.e., good character, honest, trust-worthy, intelligent) that you need (not want) and then don't effing compromise! Don't ever think you can change someone or turn them into the person you want them to be. Ain't gonna happen. People can only change themselves. You can't do it for them. And if your list starts out with good job, hella money, then please see Step 7, particularly list 1 and 2.

Step 11: Date again...but date slow. Once you have an honest and comprehensive understanding of who you are as a person, you've begun to make substantial changes in your own life and have succeeded enough to be of use to another human being, and you understand what you need from a partner, then open yourself to love again. Don't express date and hop into bed. You should wait a few months. I won't put a deadline on it except to say, you don't need to know everything, but you need to have spent time in his presence to be able to count the time in months and not minutes or hours. In that time you will have witnessed enough to know whether you can kick your relationship into a higher gear...or kick him to the curb.

Step 12: Each one, teach one. Now that you know how to diagnose and recover from a chronic case of bum magnetism, it's your duty and obligation to spread the gospel and save others from this chronic but curable affliction!

He Said, We Said - Vexed by the Ex!

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a month and two weeks. Her long distance ex-boyfriend of nine months is having trouble letting go and keeps texting her asking her to take him back. She tells him no and that she is happy with me. They got into a fight the other day over text and now she is kind of depressed. What should I do?

Signed
Vexed by the Ex

Dear Vexed by the Ex,

You've been together for one and one half WHOLE months? Wow! Honey, I hate to break it to you but the time you've been together equates to the less than a proverbial "hot minute." You don't have a girlfriend. You are DATING. There's a huge difference. You're both still in the performance stage, which is when you both trying to put on your best faces. Now, if her face is still droopy over another man, then you've got trouble with a capital "T."

The relationship is way too new for commitment, particularly for a woman who was in a 9-month relationship before you came along. I think you've got three doors to choose from and you need to make the best decision for you. Door #1: Take a time out and let her figure out why she's down in the mouth over a relationship that already went south. Door #2: Redefine your relationship so that you both understand that you're just dating and that you will commit to one another when you get to know one another better. Or Door #3: Save yourself all the unnecessary drama and dump the bitch. Get off the short bus and kick her to the proverbial curb and find someone that isn't hung up on someone else. Life is too short and apparently so is her attention span.

Nisey and I vote for Door #3!

If you have a life or relationship problem that you would like Rissey and Nisey to address, please send us an email to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Are You A Bum Magnet? 5 Signs to Help You Reveal Your Ugly Truth

It's an ugly truth, isn't it? Who wants to admit they're a bum magnet? Nobody. It's bad enough having to admit you're wrong ONCE. Most folks don't want to admit they are wrong over and over and over again. Just doesn't happen. But I promise you, you aren't fooling anybody but yourself. Because everybody else in your life knows you're a bum magnet except you. The proof is in the pudding, based on the fact that you haven't been able to sustain a long-term healthy relationship pretty much...ever. You try. YOUR heart's in the right place. You just run through men (women) like Kim Kardashian.

Well, it's time to confess. Although, you don't have to confess it to me.

As the author of The Bum Magnet, I'm often asked about whether the story is based on my life experiences. It's usually the first question folks ask in an author interview. Never ceases to amaze me of just how many ways I've learned to lie. To conceal my "hidden" shame. Only it's not as hidden as I think because the first question my friends and family asked when I told them I was writing a book called the bum magnet was "Is it an autobiography?"

So, the truth is. Yeah, there are pieces of truth from my life in the book...dammit. And yes, I have had issues in my life that impact my relationships with men. And yes, I was as much or more of the problem than the men were.

Let's face it. You can only blame the other person so much. At some point, you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Why are you so eff'ed up???"

I can say with some honesty that most of the men in my life have been God-fearing to some degree, had decent spirits, but they were usually all wrong for me and I almost always knew it within the first weeks, if not days, of meeting them. Yet I dated them anyway.

So you ask how could an intelligent, successful woman spend the better half of her life dating men who she knew was wrong for her from the jump? Because it's what bum magnets do. You subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) choose people you know will be toxic. And I happen to believe there are multiple reasons why.

1. Houdini Daddy. Your father disappeared from your life at a young age and you've never had a positive role model to demonstrate how a man who genuinely loves you is supposed to treat you. You develop warped senses of what kind of treatment is acceptable...and then you accept it because you just don't know better.

2. Trust is Bust. An influential person (or people) in your life who you placed your trust in violated that trust and the pain from that violation caused you to self-protect. You fear commitment and only date people you know from the jump you'll never be vulnerable to because you're not open to trusting anyone from the beginning.

3. I'm not worthy. We have a low self-esteem and a skewed sense of self worth. Let's face it. Women who value their time, their talents, and their worth don't tolerate bullshit. So they certainly aren't gonna tolerate it over and over and over again. They have better things to do with their time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me six times, I'm a bum magnet.

4. Who me? Most bum magnets repeat the same dumb ass patterns because you're floating blissfully on the river of denial. You can spot the flaw in everyone except yourself. If Jesus walked in a room with you and nine of your friends and family and asked, "Who among you is a bum magnet?", you'd be the one looking over your shoulder, up at the sky, down at the floor, at your neighbor on each side. Meanwhile, nine sets of eyes would be peeled on you.

5. He'll Change. You believe your partner or spouse will love you enough to become the person we need them to be to make you happy. The problem is that you're not the person you need to be in order to realize true happiness regardless of what he does, likely because of one of the four issues stated above. You'll never find happiness until you expose and deal with the root cause of your unhappiness.

It's not him. It's you.

Time to ride that short bus out of the state of denial. Own your problem so you can expose your ugly truths and begin to build healthier and happier relationships.

Got a question for Rissey & Nisey? Send it to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

The Bum Magnet on Blogspot - Relaunched

Hello Everybody!

Welcome back to The Bum Magnet. I'm author K. L. Brady, the author of the book of the same name.

After forty-plus years of getting love wrong, feeling like I was permanently stuck on love's short bus, I thought I might have a thing or two to convey about my own mistakes that could help others work through theirs.

I'm no relationship expert, simply a woman in progress.

When I first started this blog, I had envisioned creating a place where I could offer some sage, down-home sistagirl advice to people, particularly women, on how to determine--in your own life--when you're repeating bad patterns and how to possibly begin moving in the right direction.

At the time, I had self-published my novel and was so consumed with marketing and life issues that I really let this blog go to the wayside. Well, I'm bringing the short bus back and I'm gonna do what I can to get my peops off of it. LOL Let my people go!

For those who don't know me, I offer my take on life lessons smothered in humor. Perhaps not always in a politically correct way, but EVERY word I say comes from the heart, from a genuine desire to help others move past their bad patterns as I have begun to do (FINALLY) after years of getting it wrong.

Beginning next Monday, I'll begin posting regular features on relationships, getting them wrong, and how to get them right. Charisse and Denise (Rissey and Nisey) really own this spot. Most posts will come from them because, quite frankly, they are way funnier than I am. Other characters from the book, including the men, will make appearances periodically, as necessary, because it's important to see things from a male point of view. And I do have male consultants to offer their assistance when I need to attack issues from a male's perspective.

On Mondays, I'll post an article, written by yours truly, that will offer tips and advice on addressing a love, life, or relationship issue.

On Wednesdays, I'll host the He/She Said, We Said segment, in which Nissey and Rissey will answer letters from followers or lurkers about their own relationship challenges. Whether, you're single, married, in a committed relationship, a booty call, a bum magnet, whatever your problem is, send an email (anonymously if you choose) to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com and we'll address your issue to the best of our abilities.

On Thursday, Mama Tyson will offer her weekly words of wisdom--the shortest of the features. For those of you who don't know the character, she frequently mixes metaphors and in the words of her daughter, Charisse, knows how to eff up a perfectly good quote. But she does so in a way that the wisdom still finds its way through.

And depending on our schedule, Rissey, Nisey, and the other characters will discuss the topic of the week during the Short Bus Special.

So in the words of one of my favorite leading ladies, Bettye Davis, "Fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy night."

Getting off the love short bus is never easy, but it's sure worth the try.

The Short Bus Special #2: She Said, We Said

Hello Readers! We have another Short Bus Special from a sister heartbroken by Mr. Fix It.

She said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I’ve been dating a man for the last year. In the beginning, he was sweet, generous, and took great care of me. He’s a maintenance engineer, so he fixed everything that was broken in my house. He’d stop by to spend time with me every chance he got and spend time with me and my son. And he even took me as his date to his brother’s wedding, where I overwhelmingly received his family’s stamp of approval.

After six months, things changed A LOT. He doesn’t really help me around the house anymore. He doesn’t come over during the day. Rather, he usually comes late at night. We have sex, and he leaves the next morning. He no longer spends time with me on weekends. His calls are less frequent too. To top it off, I looked in his email account one day and found letters that he was writing to another woman and he implied that he loved her. When I confronted him, he said he and the woman were friends and that there was nothing going on between them.

I’ve spoken with him about it until I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. He “says” I’m still his “baby” but he doesn’t treat me like he used to at all. I really love this man. I know he has the capability to be a good man, but I am just not sure what has caused this change in his attitude toward me. What should I do?

Signed, Confused in Camp Springs


We said...


Dear Confused in Camp Springs,

You, indeed, are in a precarious position. Your man started out treating you as a Queen B. and now treats you like a Booty C. (call) and you don't understand why. Let us provide you with some understanding. First of all, you can never judge a man (or woman) by how they act in the first few months. It takes many months, sometimes more than a year, to see who someone really is. The beginning months of a relationship are merely a performance. Over time, when the curtain comes down and the audience goes home, that’s when you see who you’re really dealing with. When his show was over, he showed you his ass. That’s the man you’re really involved with. Get it through your head, that Prince Charming you remembered is history.

Second, if you know that he has been writing to another woman and implying that he loves her, you have another problem altogether. Even if he didn’t cheat with her physically (which we seriously doubt), he is definitely engaged in emotional cheating which would explain the distance that he’s putting between the two of you.

Get off the short bus, honey! It’s time to show “Mr. Fix It” the door and let the doorknob hit him the ass on the way out. You deserve to be more than some man’s booty call. You deserve to be with a man who saves all of his loving for you—emotional and physical. Mr. Right is just around your corner. If you keep wasting your time on this fool, you might miss him.

Rissey and Nisey

If you have a problem you’d like us to handle. Leave us a comment or email us at RisseyandNisey@klbradywrites.com.

The Short Bus Special: She Said, We Said

Let’s face, we all (men and women) do stupid things in relationships. Sometimes, we fail to heed the danger signs, we fail to listen to that little voice in our heads that screams “Stooooop! Don’t do that! Run! Leave!” I’m no stranger to that situation and neither is Nisey. So, we’ve decided to start our own advice column. We’ve received concerning letters from some of our wonderful readers in need of some relationship help. With their permission, Nisey and I thought it would be a great idea to share some of these letters with our audience and provide some down home sister-to-sister advice. From time to time we will post these letters under our new feature “Get Off the Short Bus Special.”

Here’s our first letter from a troubled sister with a commitment-phobic boyfriend…

She said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for three and a half years. Although we’ve discussed marriage, for some reason he refuses to commit. He claims he’s happy with our life together and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone but me. He pays the bills and takes care of home and does everything a good man should do. He just refuses to get married, saying he feels we need more time to get to know one another. Every time I bring up the subject, he either gets frisky to distract me or gets angry and runs out of the house. I think three years is plenty of time to know whether someone is worth marrying.

One of my friends says I should leave him and another one says I should stop taking my birth control and that a baby will make him come around. I don’t know what to do. Am I on the short bus? If so, how can I get off?

Signed,

He’s Smitten but not Committin’

We said...

Dear Smitten’ but not Committin’

Although every relationship has its own timetable and no two are alike, I think you are right to feel concerned. Be assured that after living with this man for three years, he knows whether or not you’re marriage material. The fact that he distracts you or avoids the subject with sex or arguments does not bode well. Sounds like a bad case of “Why Buy the Cow….”

Get off the short bus, honey. Just because a man is good to you in some ways, doesn’t always mean he’s good for you. If you really feel that marriage is the kind of commitment you need, you aren’t going to find it with this man if you keep accepting the status quo. You need to leave him, short and simple. If he truly loves you and wants to spend his life with you, nothing in heaven or Earth could keep him from coming back to you and giving you the commitment that you need. If he doesn’t, c’est la vie! Move on and be thankful that you saved yourself from wasting another minute of your life with someone who was never going to give you what you needed. Lick your wounds and open your heart to receive the love you deserve.

Rissey and Nisey

If you have a problem you’d like us to handle. Leave us a comment or email us at RisseyandNisey@klbradywrites.com.

Is There Ever A Good Reason To Cheat?

Nisey: Well, after the last discussion got a bit out of control. Rissey and I have decided to take over the moderating responsibilities for the group. No diss to K.L. but she’s still welcome to listen in. So, today we have with us Kevin, David, and Lamar and we’re going to continue our discussions on relationships.

Rissey: That’s right! So now, let’s get back to brass tacks--whether there is ever a good reason to cheat on your spouse. I think we can all agree that cheating is wrong and anyone can justify anything in their minds. But if we really get down to the reasons that people aren’t happy in their relationships and feel the need to seek consolation outside of their relationship, some of those reasons for being unhappy are valid even though the act of cheating may not be. So, let’s talk about being unhappy and the ways in which we deal with those issues.

Lamar: Well, I’m going to speak up for the fellas and bring up the topic that we aren’t supposed to bring up and that is the topic of the old Switch-A-Roo. You know, we get engaged to one woman and we find out later on that she isn’t the person she led us to believe she is. Before we get married, she cooks. After we get married, microwaved dinners. Before marriage, she works out, keeps herself tight and together. After marriage, she lets it all go. What gym? What diet? Gimme that gallon of Ben Jerry’s and a spoon please? Before marriage sex flows like the Nile River, after marriage it drips like a leaky faucet.

Nisey: You know what? I have the right mind to—

Rissey: No, no, Nisey, let him finish. He has a right to his…opinion. Let him finish.

Lamar: As I was saying, after marriage or after we’re in a committed relationship, y’all just stop everything that makes us happy. So, we end up looking for the woman we thought we got into the relationship outside the house because she damn sure ain’t in the house, if you dig me.
Kevin: Ummmmm…David, what do you think?

David: I, uhhhh, I think that I’d like to hear what the women think.

Nisey: Don’t be scared now. I saw you over there nodding your head, David. Like you agreed with everything he said. You too Kevin. Don’t be scared now. Nuh uhh…

Rissey: I am just overwhelmed…overwhelmedwith disbelief. I mean, talk about the pot calling the kettle black??? Let’s start the discussion right there, with pots…that means POT BELLIES, from all the beer and good cookin’ you get so used to. Uh huh, before we get married we trip the light fantastic. After marriage, we trip over your feet which are firmly attached to the floor in front of the couch. If we set the couch on fire, you’d ask us to bring you a beer so you could drink half and use the other half to put the flame out, never releasing the remote control, like a damn Houdini.

Nisey: Can I get an Amen?! And how about all the little things that become non-existent? Before marriage, we got big beautiful bouquets of flowers. After marriage, the only “flower” we see comes from Pillsbury. Before marriage, if we asked you to do something around the house, you had it done before we could finish the sentence. After marriage if we ask you to do something, you do it after we finish the sentence—and repeat it 75 times. As for the sex, if it lasted longer than a drip maybe we’d be more inclined to let it flow.

Kevin: Okay, okay, let’s all calm down a minute. Obviously, we can see that there are issues on both sides, very valid issues, I might add. But the one thing we haven’t really discussed here is communication. When you feel like you’re not getting what you need, it’s time to let your partner know…but it’s really all about how you say it. If you come at him or her the wrong way, blaming the other person and not taking any responsibility, then that’s what leads folks to start looking elsewhere.

Rissey: That is a very important point Kevin. My man! Gimme a high five on that, baby.
David: True, true. Communication is the key. I think that would make a great topic for our next discussion. How do you sit down in a positive way and tell your partner something negative, like you aren’t happy with your sex life or she needs to lose weight.

Nisey: Oh, so you think I need to lose weight and the sex ain’t no good.

David: I wasn’t talking about you, baby. I was speaking figuratively.

Nisey: Well, maybe you need to “figure” out how your ass is getting home because you ain’t ridin’ with me.

Rissey: She just had a baby, David. Hormones. She’ll be alright.

David: I love you, boo.

Nisey: Ummmhmmmm. Anyway.

Kevin: Okay, so let’s make out next discussion about effective communication. Until next time…

Spying on Your Significant Other

Moderator: Okay, we’re back! And we’re discussing a pretty hot relationship topic. Is it ever okay to spy on your significant other or spouse. Today, I’d like to let the men start the discussion. In addition to Lamar and Kevin, David, Nisey’s man, has graciously agreed to join us for this discussion. So fellas, how do you feel about spying? Is there ever a good reason to do it in a relationship?

Lamar: Okay, I want to start because I have personal experience with this issue. Don’t I, Charisse? I say that women are free to spy on their man, but just don’t get mad at me when you find what you’re looking for.

Nisey: Oh NO you DIDN’T.

Lamar: What?

Nisey: How about you men stop running around doing shit you ain’t got no business doing? If you’re so unhappy that you feel like you need to run around and screw somebody else, why not just break up with your girlfriend? That would be better than sneaking around behind somebody’s back. Catching diseases and bringing that shit home to somebody that loves you. What the hell is that?

Lamar: Listen, I get where you’re coming from, Denise. I’m the last person to sit here and say you’re wrong. I just feel like women don’t spy because they’re trying to a reason to leave you, because most of the time they don’t. They spy to find something to blackmail you with. Hold it over your head. Use it to get what they want when they want it. They use it to control men. That’s what they do.

Nisey: And?

Kevin: Well, I say what kind of relationship can you really have if you don’t trust each other. That goes for both sides. If you don’t trust each other, you can’t be happy. And if you’re not happy, then why would you want to be with that person anyway? It’s a waste of time and energy.

Charisse: I agree with Kevin. As a reformed spy, I know that I wasted a lot of energy and time checking behind men I thought were playing around. But I think Lamar is wrong. I don’t think women spy because they are looking for blackmail material. I think a lot of women spy because we are hoping beyond hope that we don’t find anything. We want to feel stupid for looking for something that wasn’t there. We want to settle our thoughts down so we can get back to loving.

David: Well, I think a key issue here is truth. Whatever y’all say, I don’t know any man who would just come out and tell his girlfriend the truth about cheating or finding interest in another woman, right? So, how is a woman supposed to find out who she’s really dealing with if she doesn’t spy?

Nisey: See? That’s right, boo. Tell ‘em!

David: But I also say that if she has enough reason to be suspicious, she’s probably right. So, why waste your time. Kick ‘em to the curb and keep it movin’.

Lamar: True that.

Charisse: Ummmhmmmm, that easy to say. Why is that when we try to leave, y’all start begging us not to go? That’s what I want to know. If you’re screwing around, go on to the heifer you’re cheating with and let us go. But y’all ain’t going to do that because you don’t want no body else gettin’ in our asses, that’s why. Men are inherently selfish, and women are inherently nurturers. This allows men to play on our emotions and get away with a lot of stuff, including cheating.

Kevin: Oh no YOU didn’t.

Charisse: I didn’t mean you, baby. You know you my boo.

Kevin: Ummmhmmmm.

David to Moderator: When do you jump in? When there’s bloodshed?

Moderator: I’m sorry. I was so engaged in the discussion I forgot to moderate. So, let’s see where we are. I think we generally agree that spying is a waste of time.

Everyone: Right, right.

Moderator: And if I’m understanding everyone correctly, if you have enough reason to be suspicious, you probably have enough reason to leave.

Nisey: That sounds about right to me.

Lamar: Yeah, I would agree with that.

Moderator: Okay, this was a fantastic start to our hot discussion series. Since I think we need to keep it hot, the next topic will be: Is there ever a good reason to cheat on your spouse or significant other?

Nisey: You better have the police standing by for this discussion. Somebody’s gonna get hurt up in here.

Rissey: I know THAT's right.