Maybe you've taken a break from dating for a while because you've been hurt. Maybe you're a recovering bum magnet who has taken the necessary time to heal your wounds so that you can be the best version of yourself when you begin a new relationship. Whatever your situation, your time off must include some time to assess whether you're really ready to get back in the game.
Far too frequently, you judge whether it's time to get back into a relationship based on whether someone is showing romantic interest in you or how you feel about someone else, rather than determining if you've really addressed your own issues sufficiently well enough to sustain a healthy relationship. Fact is, if you don't put the work in on those issues, you are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again. These issues are like dandelions. The only way to rid yourself of your emotional "weeds" is to kill them at the root, otherwise they will keep rearing their ugly heads until you do.
The following are 6 questions you must ask yourself (and answer honestly) before trying to start a new relationship.
1. Have you forgiven those who have caused you hurt in the past? When people do us wrong, we often have the tendency to hold onto our pain. We relive the hurt over and over again, as if our pain is more valid if we don't let it go. We fail to realize that we don't punish the other person, rather we punish ourselves by clinging to toxic feelings. Forgiveness is or us just as much or more than it is for those who wrong us. We have to embrace forgiveness to sustain happy relationships.
2. Do you communicate effectively? Can you listen without judging or attempting to turn your partner's words against them? Can you express your feelings without blaming or accusing your mate? In order to be in healthy happy relationships, we have to not only be able to speak our truths and share our feelings, but listen to what other people have to say--and listen without forming your rebuttal arguments to what they're trying to share.
3. Do you have a life? One of the worst things we can do as humans is make another person the absolute center of our universe. We live to make other people happy and take care of them, and we lose ourselves in someone else's life. Then when we're not fulfilled or unhappy, we blame them for our unhappiness when it's not their fault, it's our fault. The best thing we can do in our relationships is maintain our individuality, our own interests, hobbies, and activities. We need our own space in which we can truly be the best version of ourselves. If we are our best alone, then we will enhance the life of someone else without being consumed by their life.
4. Have you severed ties with your ex's? Yeah, I know. You keep one or two around for an ego boost or late night booty call right? You're all adults. Nothing wrong with that, right? The problem with keeping your ex's in your life is that they may not let go when you need them to. The last thing your new mate wants to deal with is a former boyfriend or girlfriend who calls at all times of the night, doesn't respect the boundaries of the new relationship, or refuses to let go. You need to handle that business BEFORE you even think about bringing someone new in your life. You say, "But that means I'll have to actually spend time...ALONE." Yep. Sure does. Get over it and let them go. If you can't spend time alone with yourself, why should anyone else want to be with you?
5. Are you afraid to love or to trust? If so, you don't even need to think about getting into a new relationship. What you need to do is explore the root cause of your fear and trust issues, and more often than not they are usually linked. We usually fear pain and often those who cause us pain have done so by breaching the established trust in the relationship, by cheating, physical and emotional abuse, etc. Fear and lack of trust form unhealthy relational foundations and if you have a faulty foundation, the relationship is doomed to fail. Don't think you can carry your baggage into the relationship and build the trust as you go along. No, you need to walk into the new relationship baggage free in order to give your new mate and your new relationship the best chance for success. Let your new mate make their own mistakes, do not punish them for mistakes made by people in your past.
6. Do you believe you're worthy of a happy and healthy relationship? Understanding your self esteem and self worth is so critical to relationships. Healthy self image ensures that you pick emotionally healthy people OR catch your mistakes quickly so you don't invest years of your life in the wrong people. Most people will say they are worthy but far too often we don't really believe we're worthy. We suffer from self esteem issues, whether they be related to body image or career success. If you've got work to do on yourself, then finish that work before you even try to get into a new relationship. Your insecurities will only serve to bog down your mind...and your new mate.
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Break Ups Too Hard? Here are the Top 8 Easiest Methods to Chuck 'Em And Run
Breaking up with someone you've been committed to for any length of time really bites the big one. Sometimes we hang onto relationships far longer than we need to (or have to) because we're do chickensh*t to do the deed and give our soon-to-be ex the AXE. We don't know how or when to do it. We don't know what to say. So, sometimes it just feels easier to do nothing and suffer in silence. After all, if you're unhappy long enough, they'll catch on and leave you eventually, right?
Wrong! Sometimes misery loves company. And the more miserable you are, the happier the your mate is.
Sure, there are those who will tell you that honesty is the best policy. That you should break up face-to-face, in private, be honest about your reasons and be direct, hear out your soon-to-be-ex and let them get their issues off their chest before you part as friends and move on with your separate lives. But that's hard. Honesty is hard. Being face-to-face with the heart you're about to break and dreams you're about to crush can be a real downer. We don't like downers.
If you have found yourself in one such situation, fret not. We're going to tell you how to escape your living hell without stress, worry, or fear--or courage.
1. It's not you, it's me. Oh, it's an oldie but a goodie. Your conversation should go something like this. "You're too good for me. I realize that I need time to work on myself to become the man/woman you deserve/need. It might not be today, might not be tomorrow, but I'm coming back for you someday when I've got my life together." Gotta be careful that you have someone with high self esteem for this work. The worst case scenario is that you have someone who thinks so little of themselves that they deserve the unworthy you and are willing to accept you as you are. Yikes. Also, the key here is to NEVER go back. Ever. And no "one for the road" if you know what I'm saying!
2. Text Message/Email. Listen, I know it may seem cold, unfeeling, and a little bit of a b*tch move, but if you wanted to be a decent human being, you wouldn't be reading this article for advice. Seriously. The decent thing to do would be to sit down and tell them in person. The easy thing--drop them a text and/or an email (I prefer both). Saves stress and upset people...well...they upset me. I don't like that.
3. Cheat and Get Caught. You gotta make sure you have a no nonsense, no BS-accepting mate for this method to be effective. The worst thing that could happen is that you'd have a mate who would forgive you and then hold it over your head for the rest of your life. Then you'd be forced to behave or break up by being honest and telling them the relationship sucked for you...you know...the way you probably should've in the first place.
4. Disappear. Yep, drop off the face of the earth. Don't take phone calls, respond to texts, emails. If they catch up with you, tell them you'll meet them somewhere and don't show up. These actions are generally shady enough to run off any sane, respectable mates. What you have to be careful of are the stalkers, the ones who will hunt you down like the conniving dog you are and search the ends of the earth until they find you.
5. Argue Constantly. Nitpick at anything and every flaw and problem you can think of. Go to bed arguing and wake up arguing. Argue over breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Argue any time there is a silence. And be stupid or mean. Pick one or the other--not both. Being both might get you killed. That's argue overload and might cause someone to pop a cap in you. We don't like popped caps.
6. On Facebook or Twitter. Nothing says, "I'm through with your a$$" like a "Sorry, it's over, been real" Tweet or Facebook Wall Post. The best part is you get to break up with your mate and their entire network at once. And they can't question whether or not it really happened because all their friends and followers will be witnesses. The key here is to unfriend them immediately, otherwise you might get cyber-stalked and that could get ugly.
7. In Public. It should be a restaurant, Starbuck's, Applebee's or Ruby Tuesdays someplace that has a nice crowd but isn't too noisy. Also, no place really classy where they might call the police on your for disturbing the peace...just in case things get further out of hand than you planned. If you're dating a happy drunk, buy them a couple of drinks first. That'll help soften the blow and the break-up won't hit them until they sober up.
8. In the presence of your family members. This method is kind of like delivering bad news in a restaurant to keep them from reacting violently to your break up. Even better, you have your support network to support you. No matter how wrong you are they'll probably be on your side...probably. And plus they can protect you from getting your butt whooped if your mate decides to go off. The key here is to avoid your mate's family like the plague because you will catch a beat down for sure. I'm just sayin'!
Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon
Wrong! Sometimes misery loves company. And the more miserable you are, the happier the your mate is.
Sure, there are those who will tell you that honesty is the best policy. That you should break up face-to-face, in private, be honest about your reasons and be direct, hear out your soon-to-be-ex and let them get their issues off their chest before you part as friends and move on with your separate lives. But that's hard. Honesty is hard. Being face-to-face with the heart you're about to break and dreams you're about to crush can be a real downer. We don't like downers.
If you have found yourself in one such situation, fret not. We're going to tell you how to escape your living hell without stress, worry, or fear--or courage.
1. It's not you, it's me. Oh, it's an oldie but a goodie. Your conversation should go something like this. "You're too good for me. I realize that I need time to work on myself to become the man/woman you deserve/need. It might not be today, might not be tomorrow, but I'm coming back for you someday when I've got my life together." Gotta be careful that you have someone with high self esteem for this work. The worst case scenario is that you have someone who thinks so little of themselves that they deserve the unworthy you and are willing to accept you as you are. Yikes. Also, the key here is to NEVER go back. Ever. And no "one for the road" if you know what I'm saying!
2. Text Message/Email. Listen, I know it may seem cold, unfeeling, and a little bit of a b*tch move, but if you wanted to be a decent human being, you wouldn't be reading this article for advice. Seriously. The decent thing to do would be to sit down and tell them in person. The easy thing--drop them a text and/or an email (I prefer both). Saves stress and upset people...well...they upset me. I don't like that.
3. Cheat and Get Caught. You gotta make sure you have a no nonsense, no BS-accepting mate for this method to be effective. The worst thing that could happen is that you'd have a mate who would forgive you and then hold it over your head for the rest of your life. Then you'd be forced to behave or break up by being honest and telling them the relationship sucked for you...you know...the way you probably should've in the first place.
4. Disappear. Yep, drop off the face of the earth. Don't take phone calls, respond to texts, emails. If they catch up with you, tell them you'll meet them somewhere and don't show up. These actions are generally shady enough to run off any sane, respectable mates. What you have to be careful of are the stalkers, the ones who will hunt you down like the conniving dog you are and search the ends of the earth until they find you.
5. Argue Constantly. Nitpick at anything and every flaw and problem you can think of. Go to bed arguing and wake up arguing. Argue over breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Argue any time there is a silence. And be stupid or mean. Pick one or the other--not both. Being both might get you killed. That's argue overload and might cause someone to pop a cap in you. We don't like popped caps.
6. On Facebook or Twitter. Nothing says, "I'm through with your a$$" like a "Sorry, it's over, been real" Tweet or Facebook Wall Post. The best part is you get to break up with your mate and their entire network at once. And they can't question whether or not it really happened because all their friends and followers will be witnesses. The key here is to unfriend them immediately, otherwise you might get cyber-stalked and that could get ugly.
7. In Public. It should be a restaurant, Starbuck's, Applebee's or Ruby Tuesdays someplace that has a nice crowd but isn't too noisy. Also, no place really classy where they might call the police on your for disturbing the peace...just in case things get further out of hand than you planned. If you're dating a happy drunk, buy them a couple of drinks first. That'll help soften the blow and the break-up won't hit them until they sober up.
8. In the presence of your family members. This method is kind of like delivering bad news in a restaurant to keep them from reacting violently to your break up. Even better, you have your support network to support you. No matter how wrong you are they'll probably be on your side...probably. And plus they can protect you from getting your butt whooped if your mate decides to go off. The key here is to avoid your mate's family like the plague because you will catch a beat down for sure. I'm just sayin'!
Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon
Monday, August 15, 2011
Stepping Out II: Top 6 Reasons Men Cheat
He's staying a way from home more often, sometimes late into the night, offering lame excuses. He avoids answering his phone when you're in his presence or takes his calls to another room. He begins to criticize you more and more, suddenly you picking up weight...or you need exercise and tighten up your act a little bit. And he avoids you like a bill collector. Your spidey senses tell you something ain't right...but he loves you, you have a family, everybody goes through difficult times, right?
Uh-uh...don't get it twisted. He's cheating...or he's about to start.
Even though cheating is an activity that I think is most closely associated with men, men cheat for many of the same reasons women do. Raise your hand if you generally view men as the primary aggressors and perpetrators of infidelity in relationships? Mine's up. I'll be the first to admit it. Because men tend to be such visual creatures, hound dogs if you will, we automatically assume that men cheat for shallow reasons--such as he can't get enough sex or the woman looks better than the one he has at home.
However, most people would be surprised to know that men cheat for reasons that are just as emotionally driven as women. Yes. They're human too. With feelings even. They have needs to be desired, appreciated, understood, and adored like any woman has. The only difference is that they are less likely to communicate these needs to their partner as a woman would be for fear of being perceived as weak or needy.
This is such an important point for women to understand because if our man cheats our minds automatically assume that we're somehow inadequate, too fat, not as pretty as her...or as we used to be, when nine time out of ten, he connected with someone else for emotional reasons that have nothing to do with sex or physical appearance, rather an emotional connection and a feeling that they are emotionally safe and secure--that they are man enough.
So, what are the main reasons men cheat. Here they are in no particular order.
1. Emotionally disconnected. What you say? Men need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse or significant other too? No way.
Yeah way!
When communication fails, the heart sails--for both women AND men. When men don't feel appreciated or understood or as if the women in their lives appreciate the effort their making, they will stray...especially when there's a woman in his ear telling him everything he needs to hear and more.
2. Sexual dissatisfaction. When your sex life isn't measuring up, a man will stray to find a way to fill the void. Biologically speaking, men generally have higher sex drives than women. Usually. Believe it or not, most men do not desire their women to be freaks in the bed (although it certainly doesn't hurt one little bit), but the biggest complaint most men have a bout sex is the frequency...not the variety. Most men want it often and that doesn't have to involve handcuffs and chandeliers. If they're not getting it frequently enough, they will find someone to take up the slack.
3. Insecurity. Men need to feel as if what they're doing to support their families or significant others is enough. They need to feel as if they're enough man for their women and enough father for their kids. When women nag, belittle, or berate their men, the men feel as if they're falling short of everyone's expectations, they lose the feeling of security in their position as head of the family or relationship and will seek to keep company with people who make them feel as if what they have to offer is enough.
4. Something new, Something different. Notice I didn't say something better. That is key. Sometimes people get too comfortable and too complacent in their home lives, and someone else may be offering something shiny and new...all the things they think they're missing at home. The grass always appears greener...(even if the water bill is higher).
5. Option meets Opportunity. Sometimes when men are feeling vulnerable and an opportunity presents itself in which they don't believe they'll get caught, they will go for it. The point here is that they are already feeling vulnerable. Maybe they had a early fight with the wife and late night at work, and the co-worker they've been flirting with just happens to be working late too. Maybe they're away on business and they happen upon a woman who wants as little from the encounter as he does. Whatever the reason, an opportunity presents itself and the offender doesn't believe he'll get caught.
6. Prize Outweighs the Punishment. When men are miserable and feeling angry or hurt about a situation at home, at some point, the reward from cheating becomes worth more to them than the risk that they'll get caught or lose their relationship with their wife or significant other. Unfortunately, if a man reaches this point, their probably won't be much turning back. Unlike for women, this usually isn't an exit strategy as much as it is a means to escape...and the long-term relationship is probably nearly over.
Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon
Uh-uh...don't get it twisted. He's cheating...or he's about to start.
Even though cheating is an activity that I think is most closely associated with men, men cheat for many of the same reasons women do. Raise your hand if you generally view men as the primary aggressors and perpetrators of infidelity in relationships? Mine's up. I'll be the first to admit it. Because men tend to be such visual creatures, hound dogs if you will, we automatically assume that men cheat for shallow reasons--such as he can't get enough sex or the woman looks better than the one he has at home.
However, most people would be surprised to know that men cheat for reasons that are just as emotionally driven as women. Yes. They're human too. With feelings even. They have needs to be desired, appreciated, understood, and adored like any woman has. The only difference is that they are less likely to communicate these needs to their partner as a woman would be for fear of being perceived as weak or needy.
This is such an important point for women to understand because if our man cheats our minds automatically assume that we're somehow inadequate, too fat, not as pretty as her...or as we used to be, when nine time out of ten, he connected with someone else for emotional reasons that have nothing to do with sex or physical appearance, rather an emotional connection and a feeling that they are emotionally safe and secure--that they are man enough.
So, what are the main reasons men cheat. Here they are in no particular order.
1. Emotionally disconnected. What you say? Men need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse or significant other too? No way.
Yeah way!
When communication fails, the heart sails--for both women AND men. When men don't feel appreciated or understood or as if the women in their lives appreciate the effort their making, they will stray...especially when there's a woman in his ear telling him everything he needs to hear and more.
2. Sexual dissatisfaction. When your sex life isn't measuring up, a man will stray to find a way to fill the void. Biologically speaking, men generally have higher sex drives than women. Usually. Believe it or not, most men do not desire their women to be freaks in the bed (although it certainly doesn't hurt one little bit), but the biggest complaint most men have a bout sex is the frequency...not the variety. Most men want it often and that doesn't have to involve handcuffs and chandeliers. If they're not getting it frequently enough, they will find someone to take up the slack.
3. Insecurity. Men need to feel as if what they're doing to support their families or significant others is enough. They need to feel as if they're enough man for their women and enough father for their kids. When women nag, belittle, or berate their men, the men feel as if they're falling short of everyone's expectations, they lose the feeling of security in their position as head of the family or relationship and will seek to keep company with people who make them feel as if what they have to offer is enough.
4. Something new, Something different. Notice I didn't say something better. That is key. Sometimes people get too comfortable and too complacent in their home lives, and someone else may be offering something shiny and new...all the things they think they're missing at home. The grass always appears greener...(even if the water bill is higher).
5. Option meets Opportunity. Sometimes when men are feeling vulnerable and an opportunity presents itself in which they don't believe they'll get caught, they will go for it. The point here is that they are already feeling vulnerable. Maybe they had a early fight with the wife and late night at work, and the co-worker they've been flirting with just happens to be working late too. Maybe they're away on business and they happen upon a woman who wants as little from the encounter as he does. Whatever the reason, an opportunity presents itself and the offender doesn't believe he'll get caught.
6. Prize Outweighs the Punishment. When men are miserable and feeling angry or hurt about a situation at home, at some point, the reward from cheating becomes worth more to them than the risk that they'll get caught or lose their relationship with their wife or significant other. Unfortunately, if a man reaches this point, their probably won't be much turning back. Unlike for women, this usually isn't an exit strategy as much as it is a means to escape...and the long-term relationship is probably nearly over.
Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
He Said, We Said - Ho to a Housewife?
He Said...
Dear Rissey and Nisey,
I've been married 6 years and have 3 beautiful children. My wife continues to go out to bars til 3 in the morning and I hear later how she was dancing on the bar and on poles and what not. I do Love her to death, but can not continue to go through this. We have talked on counseling but she will not go through with it. Now lately I have stooped to her level (knowing its not right) but started going out as well. But of course if I do it and don't come home til 3 or 4 I'm a bad father. I've only done it twice but already feel that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Its starting to affect my kids now, and I'm considering leaving and getting shared custody. Am I wrong for not wanting my kids brought up in that kind of environment. I believe our kids deserve a better life and should not have to go through this. Seriously need advise from those that have been through it. Thanks in advance to all that input!
Signed,
Partied Out
Dear Partied Out,
We certainly feel your pain, but something tells us this partying didn't just begin overnight. She was probably partying when you met her, dropping shots like jelly beans, getting her groove on in the club and you thought that was sexy to death. And, oh yes Lord, when she hiked her leg up and wrapped it around that same pole you now scorn, your eyes glazed over with lust as you said to yourself, "Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. That's my future ex-wife!" You knew what you were getting into when you married her, you were probably just hoping a husband and three kids would be enough to tame her. And you were wrong.
Get off the love short bus, honey. YOU can't turn a ho into a housewife. She still believes shaking her ass is still more important to her than shaking these party girl habits and she's not going to change until she's ready. Moreover, your partying will only compound an already bad situation. We don't blame you of course, but you're going to have to be the grown up for your kids' sake.
With that said, you're right about one thing--no woman, not even their mother, comes before the well-being of your kids. Her behavior is bad enough, but you guys are probably fighting like cats and dogs which without question will have a longer-term effect on their emotional health. While you might have the urge to start issuing ultimatums, we don't suggest you do that because she will just resent you for making her change her lifestyle. Just explain to her that you're not threatening her with divorce, but you think her behavior is detrimental to the kids and let her know that she has a choice to make: separate and get her own place until she gets the partying out of her system or stay and respect her family. Allow her to choose her course freely and without any pressure from you. Say what you have to say and don't argue, don't fuss. Just make it clear that the status quo is absolutely unacceptable for the sake of the children. You chose her. She chooses to party. But your children had no choice in this matter...and they deserve better, don't you think? Let's just hope their mother does too.
If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please email us a SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.
I've been married 6 years and have 3 beautiful children. My wife continues to go out to bars til 3 in the morning and I hear later how she was dancing on the bar and on poles and what not. I do Love her to death, but can not continue to go through this. We have talked on counseling but she will not go through with it. Now lately I have stooped to her level (knowing its not right) but started going out as well. But of course if I do it and don't come home til 3 or 4 I'm a bad father. I've only done it twice but already feel that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Its starting to affect my kids now, and I'm considering leaving and getting shared custody. Am I wrong for not wanting my kids brought up in that kind of environment. I believe our kids deserve a better life and should not have to go through this. Seriously need advise from those that have been through it. Thanks in advance to all that input!
Signed,
Partied Out
We Said...
Dear Partied Out,
We certainly feel your pain, but something tells us this partying didn't just begin overnight. She was probably partying when you met her, dropping shots like jelly beans, getting her groove on in the club and you thought that was sexy to death. And, oh yes Lord, when she hiked her leg up and wrapped it around that same pole you now scorn, your eyes glazed over with lust as you said to yourself, "Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. That's my future ex-wife!" You knew what you were getting into when you married her, you were probably just hoping a husband and three kids would be enough to tame her. And you were wrong.
Get off the love short bus, honey. YOU can't turn a ho into a housewife. She still believes shaking her ass is still more important to her than shaking these party girl habits and she's not going to change until she's ready. Moreover, your partying will only compound an already bad situation. We don't blame you of course, but you're going to have to be the grown up for your kids' sake.
With that said, you're right about one thing--no woman, not even their mother, comes before the well-being of your kids. Her behavior is bad enough, but you guys are probably fighting like cats and dogs which without question will have a longer-term effect on their emotional health. While you might have the urge to start issuing ultimatums, we don't suggest you do that because she will just resent you for making her change her lifestyle. Just explain to her that you're not threatening her with divorce, but you think her behavior is detrimental to the kids and let her know that she has a choice to make: separate and get her own place until she gets the partying out of her system or stay and respect her family. Allow her to choose her course freely and without any pressure from you. Say what you have to say and don't argue, don't fuss. Just make it clear that the status quo is absolutely unacceptable for the sake of the children. You chose her. She chooses to party. But your children had no choice in this matter...and they deserve better, don't you think? Let's just hope their mother does too.
If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please email us a SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Stepping Out: The Top 5 Reasons Women Cheat
I had a conversation with a male friend recently, and he asked me what are some of the signs that a woman might be cheating. I thought to myself, "You dare ask me to divulge ancient SistaGirl secrets to your kind?" So, I deflected the question and turned it back around on him asking, "The real question you need to ask yourself is: Does she have reason to cheat?"
Cheating is not a natural state of being for most women. Generally speaking, with the exception of a very rare few outliers, emotionally healthy, secure women will breach the trust of a man she's genuinely in love with without provocation. It's nature--the old hunter-gatherer theory. Men are adept and thrill in chasing and hunting. Women content themselves with what's close to (or at) home, genetically programmed to find ONE mate who provides a secure, happy home and compatible sex life. Notice I said compatible. Not every woman needs a man who swings from chandeliers every night, but if you're satisfying her needs at a pace suitable to her, she isn't going anywhere. This is her natural condition.
When a woman steps out on her mate, she's going against her natural tendencies, and it's usually a difficult but calculated decision. No matter what they say about getting caught up in "the moment" most women who cheat planned to do so, maybe to right some wrong or fulfill some need, but they don't just slip and fall on another man's penis.
And let me keep it real. When torn between the decision to leave her man or to cheat, most women will not compromise theirs or their children's physical security (i.e., roof over their heads, financial stability) even if provoked, which is why they are usually better cheaters than men. They will ensure they've created that physical and financial security some place else before they even think of walking away. She'll stray from their relationship on the down low while at the same time creating the illusion of a relatively stable relationship, keeping the home as happy as possible until she's worked her back-up plan. As soon as the plan is executed, she rolls out. This is often the point at which she'll allow herself to get caught if indeed she is cheating.
So, the big question is, what are the key reasons a woman will go against nature, and step out of her relationship>
1. Revenge for her man's infidelity. He's cold busted. She cried and screamed. He begged and pleaded. She forgave. All is well, right? No, sir. Her anger and disappointment will plant a seed for "The Get-Back." What most men don't realize is that when they cheat they write their woman a ticket to Cheatersville or in layman's terms--provide justification. She may not cash it in today, the next week, the next month, or even the next year, but eventually, if she doesn't leave you first, she will cash it in at the moment most opportune for her. And if she is dependent on you financially or otherwise, you probably won't have a clue until she wants you to.
2. Emotionally unfulfilled or unappreciated. Women are naturally emotional creatures. Men are naturally providers. Oftentimes, men forget that women are nurtured by sincere affection and appreciation. A kind word, a compliment, emotional support, encouragement the little things mean everything to women. Here's the thing, most men are prone to provide those things in abundance while courting but when the courting's over, they become emotional deserts. Mark my words, she'll step out and find water...even if it's another man's well.
3. Emotionally unhealthy. Remember I said that emotionally healthy women generally will not cheat. Well, emotional unhealthy women who seek to fill voids through sex or attention, probably will. Women who suffer from low self esteem, past sexual abuse, or other emotional instabilities may tend to deal with problems in their relationships in counterproductive ways. It may appear as if she's just playing the bad girl, but her problems probably run much deeper than a desire to fulfill an unfulfilled physical need.
4. Physically and emotionally disconnected from her mate. For most women, sex is more about reaching a climax (although we need that too). Most women connect emotionally to their mates during intercourse as well. So when the sex decreases in quantity and/or quality, women miss that emotional and physical nourishment. Maybe he's having a tough time at work, sexual problems he's afraid to share, or he's involved with someone else. Whatever the reason, communication and sex are nil, and she senses he's pulling away from her emotionally or physically. Even if a man is just going through a difficult time, women will frequently jump to conclusions and translate this kind of behavior as his exit strategy. So, they seek to find what they're missing (or will be missing when he leaves) elsewhere.
5. Exit Strategy. Women know that for men, the providers, having a woman cheat on him strikes at the core of his reason for being. It says to him that he had not fulfilled his duty well enough to keep his woman in the home, worse, she may have found someone to do it better--whether it be sex or provide more safety and stability. Men know that sex is more emotional for women so that if she's allowed another man in to that realm, he knows the act is more than a roll in the hay. So when she reveals this information or allows herself to get caught, it is more often than not because she's ready to leave, and there's little her man could do to prevent it.
Cheating is not a natural state of being for most women. Generally speaking, with the exception of a very rare few outliers, emotionally healthy, secure women will breach the trust of a man she's genuinely in love with without provocation. It's nature--the old hunter-gatherer theory. Men are adept and thrill in chasing and hunting. Women content themselves with what's close to (or at) home, genetically programmed to find ONE mate who provides a secure, happy home and compatible sex life. Notice I said compatible. Not every woman needs a man who swings from chandeliers every night, but if you're satisfying her needs at a pace suitable to her, she isn't going anywhere. This is her natural condition.
When a woman steps out on her mate, she's going against her natural tendencies, and it's usually a difficult but calculated decision. No matter what they say about getting caught up in "the moment" most women who cheat planned to do so, maybe to right some wrong or fulfill some need, but they don't just slip and fall on another man's penis.
And let me keep it real. When torn between the decision to leave her man or to cheat, most women will not compromise theirs or their children's physical security (i.e., roof over their heads, financial stability) even if provoked, which is why they are usually better cheaters than men. They will ensure they've created that physical and financial security some place else before they even think of walking away. She'll stray from their relationship on the down low while at the same time creating the illusion of a relatively stable relationship, keeping the home as happy as possible until she's worked her back-up plan. As soon as the plan is executed, she rolls out. This is often the point at which she'll allow herself to get caught if indeed she is cheating.
So, the big question is, what are the key reasons a woman will go against nature, and step out of her relationship>
1. Revenge for her man's infidelity. He's cold busted. She cried and screamed. He begged and pleaded. She forgave. All is well, right? No, sir. Her anger and disappointment will plant a seed for "The Get-Back." What most men don't realize is that when they cheat they write their woman a ticket to Cheatersville or in layman's terms--provide justification. She may not cash it in today, the next week, the next month, or even the next year, but eventually, if she doesn't leave you first, she will cash it in at the moment most opportune for her. And if she is dependent on you financially or otherwise, you probably won't have a clue until she wants you to.
2. Emotionally unfulfilled or unappreciated. Women are naturally emotional creatures. Men are naturally providers. Oftentimes, men forget that women are nurtured by sincere affection and appreciation. A kind word, a compliment, emotional support, encouragement the little things mean everything to women. Here's the thing, most men are prone to provide those things in abundance while courting but when the courting's over, they become emotional deserts. Mark my words, she'll step out and find water...even if it's another man's well.
3. Emotionally unhealthy. Remember I said that emotionally healthy women generally will not cheat. Well, emotional unhealthy women who seek to fill voids through sex or attention, probably will. Women who suffer from low self esteem, past sexual abuse, or other emotional instabilities may tend to deal with problems in their relationships in counterproductive ways. It may appear as if she's just playing the bad girl, but her problems probably run much deeper than a desire to fulfill an unfulfilled physical need.
4. Physically and emotionally disconnected from her mate. For most women, sex is more about reaching a climax (although we need that too). Most women connect emotionally to their mates during intercourse as well. So when the sex decreases in quantity and/or quality, women miss that emotional and physical nourishment. Maybe he's having a tough time at work, sexual problems he's afraid to share, or he's involved with someone else. Whatever the reason, communication and sex are nil, and she senses he's pulling away from her emotionally or physically. Even if a man is just going through a difficult time, women will frequently jump to conclusions and translate this kind of behavior as his exit strategy. So, they seek to find what they're missing (or will be missing when he leaves) elsewhere.
5. Exit Strategy. Women know that for men, the providers, having a woman cheat on him strikes at the core of his reason for being. It says to him that he had not fulfilled his duty well enough to keep his woman in the home, worse, she may have found someone to do it better--whether it be sex or provide more safety and stability. Men know that sex is more emotional for women so that if she's allowed another man in to that realm, he knows the act is more than a roll in the hay. So when she reveals this information or allows herself to get caught, it is more often than not because she's ready to leave, and there's little her man could do to prevent it.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
She Said, We Said--My Boyfriend's Dating
She said...
Dear Rissey and Nisey,
So I was looking at the history trail on my boyfriend's laptop which I know I shouldn't really do and found he had been on sexintheuk.com. I clicked on it and he was still logged on. He has a picture of himself on there but his age his wrong he hasn't paid to be a full member. I'm guessing though because the payment screen came up.
I looked in his inbox on the site and there was two messages from girls living in a place where his friend lives, and he goes to stay with him alot! That has worried me!! It wouldn't let me view the messages though! I know that he has signed up for this recently because the picture he has on there is one of me and him that was taken at Christmas time. Obviously he has cropped me out and that hurts a lot too, that he's using a picture that was of us two! He hasn't filled in a lot of his profile but he's clicked a section on sex and discreet relationships.
I know men like to look at other women. I know they watch porn etc and I don't like it but I accept it because they are human! And I wouldn't have been too bothered about seeing this dating website if it did not have his picture on because there is a lot of porn type pics on there. I would have just figured he was looking at those but the fact that he's got his pic on there says he wants to act on meeting someone doesn't it?! I'm so upset. I love this guy more than anything in the world, we've been together three years. I'm so hurt right now, just looking for some advice! x
Signed
My Boyfriend's Trying to Date
We Said...
Dear Boyfriend's Trying to Date,
Something tells me you know the answer. Otherwise, why would you be checking the history trail in the first place, huh? You have your detective hat on, the same one women have been donning for centuries because you know in your heart something is wrong...very wrong. The problem is you're looking to answer a question you already know the answer to. And you found exactly what you were looking for!! Now the answer's in your face and the only real problem here is you just don't want to acknowledge that the man you're so deeply in love with could be a lying, cheating, S.O.B! It's one thing to window shop, and an entirely different thing to window shop with money in your pocket (i.e., set up a profile and accept emails). He's trying to make his fantasies a reality...and what's really important is he's not trying to do that with you.
Get off the love short bus honey! Time for you to crop him out of YOUR picture and find someone who loves and respects you. Respects you enough not to be hunting down other women while you're supposed to be in a committed relationship. Respects you enough to put your feelings first. Forget him and his so-called need to see a little porn. YOU DESERVE MORE!
Obviously, he has no intention of leaving...at least not yet. And if you confront him, he's gonna beg you not to leave. Give him the hand and pack your bags honey. Don't hang on because you've invested so much time and energy. Let go, and make a place for the man who will treat you right! Better to waste three years than four! Better to hurt a little bit now, then a lot for a lifetime!
If you have a relationship question you want us to discuss. Drop us a line at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com
Monday, August 1, 2011
Relationship on the Rocks? Top 7 Signs You Might Need to Pack It In
Here's a secret...love isn't perfect. I know what you're thinking, "Tell me something I didn't know" right? It's natural to believe that when you hit a few bumps in the road of your relationship that you just need to "hang in there" and "work through it." This too shall pass. Your significant other isn't perfect...and neither are you. Bumps are inevitable. On the other hand, you'd like nothing better than to run over them with your car and then back up once or twice for good measure.
We've all been there, haven't we? You've been in a relationship for a few months...or a few years, trying to make it work because you've invested so much of your time, energy, and your heart. Problem is...you're at the end of your rope...and you'd like to hang your significant other with it. You still love them, at least you think you do when you're not questioning whether it was love to begin with. And the sex is still off the chain, even if only after a heated argument. Oh, they have other redeeming qualities too. For example, they're beautiful as they are walking away, and you could spend the entire day in bed with them...as long as they keep they keep a pillow over their head and don't attempt to touch you.
When you start feeling this way, a break up may be inevitable. You pout and say, "But it's so haaaaard! I don't wanna." No one likes to be the bearer of that bad news. I mean, really. Who wants to be the cause of someone's hurt and pain...or even our own loneliness? Nobody. But you must realize that every relationship has its reason and its season. Some people are meant to be with you for a moment. Others are meant to be with you for a lifetime. And hanging on to someone who doesn't genuinely love you or better still--can't love you in a way that allows you be the best version of yourself and grow as a person--will only lengthen the time it takes for you to get to the person who can.
Not sure whether it's time to go? Here are 7 signs that may suggest it's time to assess where you are in your relationship and whether it's still worth continuing.
Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon
We've all been there, haven't we? You've been in a relationship for a few months...or a few years, trying to make it work because you've invested so much of your time, energy, and your heart. Problem is...you're at the end of your rope...and you'd like to hang your significant other with it. You still love them, at least you think you do when you're not questioning whether it was love to begin with. And the sex is still off the chain, even if only after a heated argument. Oh, they have other redeeming qualities too. For example, they're beautiful as they are walking away, and you could spend the entire day in bed with them...as long as they keep they keep a pillow over their head and don't attempt to touch you.
When you start feeling this way, a break up may be inevitable. You pout and say, "But it's so haaaaard! I don't wanna." No one likes to be the bearer of that bad news. I mean, really. Who wants to be the cause of someone's hurt and pain...or even our own loneliness? Nobody. But you must realize that every relationship has its reason and its season. Some people are meant to be with you for a moment. Others are meant to be with you for a lifetime. And hanging on to someone who doesn't genuinely love you or better still--can't love you in a way that allows you be the best version of yourself and grow as a person--will only lengthen the time it takes for you to get to the person who can.
Not sure whether it's time to go? Here are 7 signs that may suggest it's time to assess where you are in your relationship and whether it's still worth continuing.
- Sex is history. The story of your sex life goes from reading like the Daily News to the Memoirs of an Invisible Orgasm. A healthy sex life is one sign of a healthy relationship...or at least a sign that you're still willing to touch them. If you arrive at the point where the thought of them touching grates on your nerves like nails on a chalkboard, you're probably ready to go.
- Love amnesia. When you first met them, you could write a book on all of the reasons why they made you happy, now you'd struggle to write a sentence. Your good times are stored in your long-term memory and all you can think about is your strategy for winning the next argument.
- Escalating fights. Your arguments progress from small verbal disagreement to death matches and frequently involve utensils and artillery. Verbal arguments are natural, but when they get unfair, ruthless, and nasty, you may need to think about leaving. Physical fights=way bad. If you've cut off your husbands penis and thrown it in the garbage disposal, the time to leave was probably about five minutes before you picked up the knife.
- Change in perception. Those endearing flaws become major irritants. What used to be the cute little mole above her lip now looks more like the mark of Beelzebub. And they haven't changed, but your perception has. When we're in love with someone, we overlook their flaws. When we're falling out of love, we place them under a microscope and examine them until they become distorted reflections of what we imagined them to be when we met them.
- Future? What future? Your dreams of walking down the aisle and having kids are now nightmares you can't shake with consuming large quantities of alcohol and sedatives. Your relationship should always be growing and moving forward, even if it just inches forward. Stagnation will always leave you wanting something more. If the thought of spending another day, let alone the rest of your life with someone makes you physically ill, it's time to consider packing those bags.
- Failure to communicate. Communication is among the most important elements of a relationship, yet your house is as quiet as a Charlie Chaplain movie. You don't talk to each other. You might talk at each other or around each other, but neither one of you is getting your point across. More importantly, you don't listen...nor do you want to listen. When you've reached a point where you no longer even care whether you communicate, the end of your relationship is probably closer than you think.
- Blissfully alone. You're happier when you're apart than you are when you're together. More than that, you are the best version of yourself when they aren't around you. Your relationship is toxic and your entire demeanor changes when you're around them. When they walk into a room, they are like happiness vacuums that suck out all the joy and make you and everyone around them miserable. We should never let anyone steal our joy. If your partner is a dream killer or happiness thief, they've got to go!
Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
Buy My Books on Amazon
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Short Bus Special #2: She Said, We Said
Hello Readers! We have another Short Bus Special from a sister heartbroken by Mr. Fix It.
She said...
Dear Rissey and Nisey,
I’ve been dating a man for the last year. In the beginning, he was sweet, generous, and took great care of me. He’s a maintenance engineer, so he fixed everything that was broken in my house. He’d stop by to spend time with me every chance he got and spend time with me and my son. And he even took me as his date to his brother’s wedding, where I overwhelmingly received his family’s stamp of approval.
After six months, things changed A LOT. He doesn’t really help me around the house anymore. He doesn’t come over during the day. Rather, he usually comes late at night. We have sex, and he leaves the next morning. He no longer spends time with me on weekends. His calls are less frequent too. To top it off, I looked in his email account one day and found letters that he was writing to another woman and he implied that he loved her. When I confronted him, he said he and the woman were friends and that there was nothing going on between them.
I’ve spoken with him about it until I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. He “says” I’m still his “baby” but he doesn’t treat me like he used to at all. I really love this man. I know he has the capability to be a good man, but I am just not sure what has caused this change in his attitude toward me. What should I do?
Signed, Confused in Camp Springs
We said...
Dear Confused in Camp Springs,
You, indeed, are in a precarious position. Your man started out treating you as a Queen B. and now treats you like a Booty C. (call) and you don't understand why. Let us provide you with some understanding. First of all, you can never judge a man (or woman) by how they act in the first few months. It takes many months, sometimes more than a year, to see who someone really is. The beginning months of a relationship are merely a performance. Over time, when the curtain comes down and the audience goes home, that’s when you see who you’re really dealing with. When his show was over, he showed you his ass. That’s the man you’re really involved with. Get it through your head, that Prince Charming you remembered is history.
Second, if you know that he has been writing to another woman and implying that he loves her, you have another problem altogether. Even if he didn’t cheat with her physically (which we seriously doubt), he is definitely engaged in emotional cheating which would explain the distance that he’s putting between the two of you.
Get off the short bus, honey! It’s time to show “Mr. Fix It” the door and let the doorknob hit him the ass on the way out. You deserve to be more than some man’s booty call. You deserve to be with a man who saves all of his loving for you—emotional and physical. Mr. Right is just around your corner. If you keep wasting your time on this fool, you might miss him.
Rissey and Nisey
If you have a problem you’d like us to handle. Leave us a comment or email us at RisseyandNisey@klbradywrites.com.
She said...
Dear Rissey and Nisey,
I’ve been dating a man for the last year. In the beginning, he was sweet, generous, and took great care of me. He’s a maintenance engineer, so he fixed everything that was broken in my house. He’d stop by to spend time with me every chance he got and spend time with me and my son. And he even took me as his date to his brother’s wedding, where I overwhelmingly received his family’s stamp of approval.
After six months, things changed A LOT. He doesn’t really help me around the house anymore. He doesn’t come over during the day. Rather, he usually comes late at night. We have sex, and he leaves the next morning. He no longer spends time with me on weekends. His calls are less frequent too. To top it off, I looked in his email account one day and found letters that he was writing to another woman and he implied that he loved her. When I confronted him, he said he and the woman were friends and that there was nothing going on between them.
I’ve spoken with him about it until I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. He “says” I’m still his “baby” but he doesn’t treat me like he used to at all. I really love this man. I know he has the capability to be a good man, but I am just not sure what has caused this change in his attitude toward me. What should I do?
Signed, Confused in Camp Springs
We said...
Dear Confused in Camp Springs,
You, indeed, are in a precarious position. Your man started out treating you as a Queen B. and now treats you like a Booty C. (call) and you don't understand why. Let us provide you with some understanding. First of all, you can never judge a man (or woman) by how they act in the first few months. It takes many months, sometimes more than a year, to see who someone really is. The beginning months of a relationship are merely a performance. Over time, when the curtain comes down and the audience goes home, that’s when you see who you’re really dealing with. When his show was over, he showed you his ass. That’s the man you’re really involved with. Get it through your head, that Prince Charming you remembered is history.
Second, if you know that he has been writing to another woman and implying that he loves her, you have another problem altogether. Even if he didn’t cheat with her physically (which we seriously doubt), he is definitely engaged in emotional cheating which would explain the distance that he’s putting between the two of you.
Get off the short bus, honey! It’s time to show “Mr. Fix It” the door and let the doorknob hit him the ass on the way out. You deserve to be more than some man’s booty call. You deserve to be with a man who saves all of his loving for you—emotional and physical. Mr. Right is just around your corner. If you keep wasting your time on this fool, you might miss him.
Rissey and Nisey
If you have a problem you’d like us to handle. Leave us a comment or email us at RisseyandNisey@klbradywrites.com.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Short Bus Special: She Said, We Said
Let’s face, we all (men and women) do stupid things in relationships. Sometimes, we fail to heed the danger signs, we fail to listen to that little voice in our heads that screams “Stooooop! Don’t do that! Run! Leave!” I’m no stranger to that situation and neither is Nisey. So, we’ve decided to start our own advice column. We’ve received concerning letters from some of our wonderful readers in need of some relationship help. With their permission, Nisey and I thought it would be a great idea to share some of these letters with our audience and provide some down home sister-to-sister advice. From time to time we will post these letters under our new feature “Get Off the Short Bus Special.”
Here’s our first letter from a troubled sister with a commitment-phobic boyfriend…
She said...
Dear Rissey and Nisey,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for three and a half years. Although we’ve discussed marriage, for some reason he refuses to commit. He claims he’s happy with our life together and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone but me. He pays the bills and takes care of home and does everything a good man should do. He just refuses to get married, saying he feels we need more time to get to know one another. Every time I bring up the subject, he either gets frisky to distract me or gets angry and runs out of the house. I think three years is plenty of time to know whether someone is worth marrying.
One of my friends says I should leave him and another one says I should stop taking my birth control and that a baby will make him come around. I don’t know what to do. Am I on the short bus? If so, how can I get off?
Signed,
He’s Smitten but not Committin’
We said...
Dear Smitten’ but not Committin’
Although every relationship has its own timetable and no two are alike, I think you are right to feel concerned. Be assured that after living with this man for three years, he knows whether or not you’re marriage material. The fact that he distracts you or avoids the subject with sex or arguments does not bode well. Sounds like a bad case of “Why Buy the Cow….”
Get off the short bus, honey. Just because a man is good to you in some ways, doesn’t always mean he’s good for you. If you really feel that marriage is the kind of commitment you need, you aren’t going to find it with this man if you keep accepting the status quo. You need to leave him, short and simple. If he truly loves you and wants to spend his life with you, nothing in heaven or Earth could keep him from coming back to you and giving you the commitment that you need. If he doesn’t, c’est la vie! Move on and be thankful that you saved yourself from wasting another minute of your life with someone who was never going to give you what you needed. Lick your wounds and open your heart to receive the love you deserve.
Rissey and Nisey
If you have a problem you’d like us to handle. Leave us a comment or email us at RisseyandNisey@klbradywrites.com.
Here’s our first letter from a troubled sister with a commitment-phobic boyfriend…
She said...
Dear Rissey and Nisey,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for three and a half years. Although we’ve discussed marriage, for some reason he refuses to commit. He claims he’s happy with our life together and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone but me. He pays the bills and takes care of home and does everything a good man should do. He just refuses to get married, saying he feels we need more time to get to know one another. Every time I bring up the subject, he either gets frisky to distract me or gets angry and runs out of the house. I think three years is plenty of time to know whether someone is worth marrying.
One of my friends says I should leave him and another one says I should stop taking my birth control and that a baby will make him come around. I don’t know what to do. Am I on the short bus? If so, how can I get off?
Signed,
He’s Smitten but not Committin’
We said...
Dear Smitten’ but not Committin’
Although every relationship has its own timetable and no two are alike, I think you are right to feel concerned. Be assured that after living with this man for three years, he knows whether or not you’re marriage material. The fact that he distracts you or avoids the subject with sex or arguments does not bode well. Sounds like a bad case of “Why Buy the Cow….”
Get off the short bus, honey. Just because a man is good to you in some ways, doesn’t always mean he’s good for you. If you really feel that marriage is the kind of commitment you need, you aren’t going to find it with this man if you keep accepting the status quo. You need to leave him, short and simple. If he truly loves you and wants to spend his life with you, nothing in heaven or Earth could keep him from coming back to you and giving you the commitment that you need. If he doesn’t, c’est la vie! Move on and be thankful that you saved yourself from wasting another minute of your life with someone who was never going to give you what you needed. Lick your wounds and open your heart to receive the love you deserve.
Rissey and Nisey
If you have a problem you’d like us to handle. Leave us a comment or email us at RisseyandNisey@klbradywrites.com.
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