Monday, June 27, 2011

Are You A Bum Magnet? 5 Signs to Help You Reveal Your Ugly Truth

It's an ugly truth, isn't it? Who wants to admit they're a bum magnet? Nobody. It's bad enough having to admit you're wrong ONCE. Most folks don't want to admit they are wrong over and over and over again. Just doesn't happen. But I promise you, you aren't fooling anybody but yourself. Because everybody else in your life knows you're a bum magnet except you. The proof is in the pudding, based on the fact that you haven't been able to sustain a long-term healthy relationship pretty much...ever. You try. YOUR heart's in the right place. You just run through men (women) like Kim Kardashian.

Well, it's time to confess. Although, you don't have to confess it to me.

As the author of The Bum Magnet, I'm often asked about whether the story is based on my life experiences. It's usually the first question folks ask in an author interview. Never ceases to amaze me of just how many ways I've learned to lie. To conceal my "hidden" shame. Only it's not as hidden as I think because the first question my friends and family asked when I told them I was writing a book called the bum magnet was "Is it an autobiography?"

So, the truth is. Yeah, there are pieces of truth from my life in the book...dammit. And yes, I have had issues in my life that impact my relationships with men. And yes, I was as much or more of the problem than the men were.

Let's face it. You can only blame the other person so much. At some point, you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Why are you so eff'ed up???"

I can say with some honesty that most of the men in my life have been God-fearing to some degree, had decent spirits, but they were usually all wrong for me and I almost always knew it within the first weeks, if not days, of meeting them. Yet I dated them anyway.

So you ask how could an intelligent, successful woman spend the better half of her life dating men who she knew was wrong for her from the jump? Because it's what bum magnets do. You subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) choose people you know will be toxic. And I happen to believe there are multiple reasons why.

1. Houdini Daddy. Your father disappeared from your life at a young age and you've never had a positive role model to demonstrate how a man who genuinely loves you is supposed to treat you. You develop warped senses of what kind of treatment is acceptable...and then you accept it because you just don't know better.

2. Trust is Bust. An influential person (or people) in your life who you placed your trust in violated that trust and the pain from that violation caused you to self-protect. You fear commitment and only date people you know from the jump you'll never be vulnerable to because you're not open to trusting anyone from the beginning.

3. I'm not worthy. We have a low self-esteem and a skewed sense of self worth. Let's face it. Women who value their time, their talents, and their worth don't tolerate bullshit. So they certainly aren't gonna tolerate it over and over and over again. They have better things to do with their time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me six times, I'm a bum magnet.

4. Who me? Most bum magnets repeat the same dumb ass patterns because you're floating blissfully on the river of denial. You can spot the flaw in everyone except yourself. If Jesus walked in a room with you and nine of your friends and family and asked, "Who among you is a bum magnet?", you'd be the one looking over your shoulder, up at the sky, down at the floor, at your neighbor on each side. Meanwhile, nine sets of eyes would be peeled on you.

5. He'll Change. You believe your partner or spouse will love you enough to become the person we need them to be to make you happy. The problem is that you're not the person you need to be in order to realize true happiness regardless of what he does, likely because of one of the four issues stated above. You'll never find happiness until you expose and deal with the root cause of your unhappiness.

It's not him. It's you.

Time to ride that short bus out of the state of denial. Own your problem so you can expose your ugly truths and begin to build healthier and happier relationships.

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