Resistance is futile. You're at the end of your rope. The relationship has drawn to an unsatisfying end. Despite five screaming matches, four silent treatments, three nasty emails, two doors slammed, and a prayer that your partner would fall off the edge of a round Earth, they refuse to let go. Refuse to stop calling. Refuse to stop stalking your house. They didn't try this hard to keep you in their lives while you were happy so why in the heck are they trying to hold on when you're miserable and ready for the big break?Long answer short? Ego.
Truth is they probably don't want to be with you either. They want to leave. They just don't want you to want to leave them first--or more. Confusing? Let me explain. Your break up starts out swimmingly. You're both sufficiently angry and spiteful to end the travesty cleanly when out of no where comes that darn ego. It enters on a hush. At first it says, "You don't need her! You were always too good for her!" [Insert "him" as appropriate]. Then the self doubt kicks in, and his ego shifts to offensive mode. "Well, if I'm too good for her, why is HE trying to leave me ME!"
Let the stalking commence.
Mind you nothing's changed except the shift in ego that has taken your partner from exasperation to desperation. In order to get out of the relationship in peace, you'll need to learn the ego-friendly Jedi mind trick. The key is to stick and move. Push your ego aside so you can knock the last wind out of the relationship.
When you need to dump your partner without them actually feeling dumped--which takes skill, prowess, and a lot of lying your butt off--follow use one (or all) of these four tips and you too can free yourself of their ego, your pain, and move on with your new life.
1. "It's not you, it's me." While it may be a bit trite in this day and time, the principle is still highly effective. Nothing feeds an ego better than when your partner watches you starve your own. Admitting your own faults and flaws, however insincere, will shift the ego back into first gear. You know, the "He doesn't deserve me, I'm too good for him mode." Be careful though. Pouring it on too thick might have the unintended affect of making your partner defend you and say, "You weren't that bad. We can work it out."
2. "I value you too much as a person to stay in a relationship in which I can't give you what you need and deserve." Sounds damn good doesn't it? Talk about feeding an ego. In essence, you're saying, "I value you so much more than I value myself that I'm willing to let you go...but not without angst." It's beautiful. It's perfect. So much so you don't want to diddle with this one too much.
3. "I need to work on myself so I can be a better person for you. But I need to do it on my own." Ooh. Good isn't it? It's best to use this one on the run. Change your phone number, address, and disappear never to be heard from again. Or pray really hard they find someone else before they even consider a reconciliation. If you stick around too long, someone may just be desperate enough to wait you out.
4. "We can stay together, but I think we should stop sleeping together until ALL of our problems are resolved." This one's especially effective for the ladies. Can you say skid marks? No partner who isn't deeply in love with and committed to you (and even one who is) isn't going to stick around for too long if you're not giving up the cookies. Add to that the fact that there's a snowball's chance in hell you will ever resolve ALL of your problems. You could be together 100 years and never accomplish that feat. This tip is highly effective as long as you stick to your guns, keep your panties/boxers up and your dress down (or pants up).
K.L. Brady is the award-winning author of the hilarious relationship-centric romantic comedies The Bum Magnet and Got a Right to Be Wrong published by Simon & Schuster Gallery/Pocket. Visit her blog at www.thebummagnet.blogspot.com.
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