Wednesday, August 31, 2011

He Said, We said--She Wants Me, She Wants Me Not

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

Beautiful girl I work with approached me 6 months ago. She was in a long relationship prior to this and told me in our first conversation. Guy was cheater and a druggie apparently.

We had a date, made out and she was smiling alot at the end but during the date kind of looked a bit bored. A week later she insisted on coming around my house on my birthday and gave me a card but didn't come inside and left after a make out session.

After this, the girl called my every morning for 2 months straight and we got on so well but never went on another date and made excuses plus was off from work. After a minor disagreement(work colleagues got between us) she tells me she doesn't want to continue and we can be friends.

Eventually I saw her at work, she would flirt with me and we would walk about together like a couple. So for 6 months we been "together" at work and she will lecture me sometimes like she is my girl, gets jealous and trys to make me jealous and flirts with me(allows me to put my hands allover her butt) and it appears that there is some kind of feeling there(tears in her eyes around me) but she won't say how feels.

Few weeks ago she started sending dirty txts to me at 4 am saying she was wet/horny after this she went quiet again. Weeks ago I tried to kiss her and she went red and put her chin down and laughed. I tried asking her about us and she changes the subject and right now it doesn't feel the same between us because she put a picture of her and another guy as her facebook pic but says she just went on a date with him. I've seen the sweet way she looks at me, almost like she adores me, if I'm not right for her why does she still contact me?


She Wants Me, She Wants Me Not

We Said...

Dear She Wants Me Not,

We hate to break it to you, buddy, but our diagnosis is grim. You're a seat filler. In Hollywood, seat fillers are the peoople who attend award shows and when the stars leave their seats to use the bathroom or don't show up at all, seat fillers sit in the empty chairs so the audience doesn't have gaping holes in it when the cameras pan by.

In relationships, seat fillers are people we hang out with, date, and get affection and ego boosts from while we're waiting for the guy we can REALLY get interested in. The worst part about being a seat filler is that you're the only one who doesn't know you're a seat filler which allows you to be used and tossed aside by your mate. Sad to say, it's mostly the "nice guys" and "nice girls" who get victimized this way--mostly because they ALLOW it. They don't value themselves enough to expect more.

Get off the love short bus, honey! There are two sides to this coin. You want the girl who doesn't want you. She's using you as a seat filler until she can find the guy she really wants. If she really wanted you to be her man, you would be her man...and you'd have no doubt about it.

You really want this girl? You're going to have to play bad boy. Ignore her. Don't call her. Don't compliment her. Brush her off. Avoid her at all costs. And don't fall for any of her tricks meant to keep you on the hook. You have to appear as if you're over her for her to get into you. Very sad--but these are the the games seat fillers must play.

Your other option is to find another girl who will want you and accept you as you are. One who appreciates you for who you are and isn't so self-serving to use you to fill the empty spaces in HER life, rather she honors you so much that she wants to fill the empty spaces in YOURS.

Regardless of what path you take, you need to value yourself more, understand your worth, and don't entertain any woman who doesn't do the same.

If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please write us at

Monday, August 29, 2011

Break Ups Too Hard? Here are the Top 8 Easiest Methods to Chuck 'Em And Run

Breaking up with someone you've been committed to for any length of time really bites the big one. Sometimes we hang onto relationships far longer than we need to (or have to) because we're do chickensh*t to do the deed and give our soon-to-be ex the AXE. We don't know how or when to do it. We don't know what to say. So, sometimes it just feels easier to do nothing and suffer in silence. After all, if you're unhappy long enough, they'll catch on and leave you eventually, right?

Wrong! Sometimes misery loves company. And the more miserable you are, the happier the your mate is.

Sure, there are those who will tell you that honesty is the best policy. That you should break up face-to-face, in private, be honest about your reasons and be direct, hear out your soon-to-be-ex and let them get their issues off their chest before you part as friends and move on with your separate lives. But that's hard. Honesty is hard. Being face-to-face with the heart you're about to break and dreams you're about to crush can be a real downer. We don't like downers.

If you have found yourself in one such situation, fret not. We're going to tell you how to escape your living hell without stress, worry, or fear--or courage.

1. It's not you, it's me. Oh, it's an oldie but a goodie. Your conversation should go something like this. "You're too good for me. I realize that I need time to work on myself to become the man/woman you deserve/need. It might not be today, might not be tomorrow, but I'm coming back for you someday when I've got my life together." Gotta be careful that you have someone with high self esteem for this work. The worst case scenario is that you have someone who thinks so little of themselves that they deserve the unworthy you and are willing to accept you as you are. Yikes. Also, the key here is to NEVER go back. Ever. And no "one for the road" if you know what I'm saying!

2. Text Message/Email. Listen, I know it may seem cold, unfeeling, and a little bit of a b*tch move, but if you wanted to be a decent human being, you wouldn't be reading this article for advice. Seriously. The decent thing to do would be to sit down and tell them in person. The easy thing--drop them a text and/or an email (I prefer both). Saves stress and upset people...well...they upset me. I don't like that.

3. Cheat and Get Caught. You gotta make sure you have a no nonsense, no BS-accepting mate for this method to be effective. The worst thing that could happen is that you'd have a mate who would forgive you and then hold it over your head for the rest of your life. Then you'd be forced to behave or break up by being honest and telling them the relationship sucked for know...the way you probably should've in the first place.

4. Disappear. Yep, drop off the face of the earth. Don't take phone calls, respond to texts, emails. If they catch up with you, tell them you'll meet them somewhere and don't show up. These actions are generally shady enough to run off any sane, respectable mates. What you have to be careful of are the stalkers, the ones who will hunt you down like the conniving dog you are and search the ends of the earth until they find you.

5. Argue Constantly. Nitpick at anything and every flaw and problem you can think of. Go to bed arguing and wake up arguing. Argue over breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Argue any time there is a silence. And be stupid or mean. Pick one or the other--not both. Being both might get you killed. That's argue overload and might cause someone to pop a cap in you. We don't like popped caps.

6. On Facebook or Twitter. Nothing says, "I'm through with your a$$" like a "Sorry, it's over, been real" Tweet or Facebook Wall Post. The best part is you get to break up with your mate and their entire network at once. And they can't question whether or not it really happened because all their friends and followers will be witnesses. The key here is to unfriend them immediately, otherwise you might get cyber-stalked and that could get ugly.

7. In Public. It should be a restaurant, Starbuck's, Applebee's or Ruby Tuesdays someplace that has a nice crowd but isn't too noisy. Also, no place really classy where they might call the police on your for disturbing the peace...just in case things get further out of hand than you planned. If you're dating a happy drunk, buy them a couple of drinks first. That'll help soften the blow and the break-up won't hit them until they sober up.

8. In the presence of your family members. This method is kind of like delivering bad news in a restaurant to keep them from reacting violently to your break up. Even better, you have your support network to support you. No matter how wrong you are they'll probably be on your side...probably. And plus they can protect you from getting your butt whooped if your mate decides to go off. The key here is to avoid your mate's family like the plague because you will catch a beat down for sure. I'm just sayin'!

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

He Said, We Said: Man-Ho to Do-Right Man?

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

After 4 years together and cheating and lying to her, I want to change and be the man she needs and deserves. We are going to counseling but I just want to know what to do until things change?

We have been together since 2006, and, yeah, I have cheated on her with about 4 women and I don't really know why I did it. One girl I kept around because she was easy and came over when I wanted to get laid. When my girlfriend wasn't around, or at work or school, the girl was there. I love her and want to be with her forever because she is a wonderful person but whenever we fight she brings up every wrong I have done and I get angry because it is the past. How do i handle that?


Want to be a Do Right Man

We Said...

Dear Do Right Man,

Well, well, well, this is a first for us. A man who admits his wrongs and wants to do right by the woman he loves. We commend you for your desire and effort to try and make things right and be the man your woman deserves. We're sorry that you're upset about your years of cheating and lying coming back to bite you in the ass. Really. Our hearts bleed for you. But our question to you is: What the hell did you expect???

And if you believe we feel sorry for you, I have some swamp...I mean vacation land in Florida you might be interested in purchasing.

Listen, you cheated for years, you're still in counseling, and you don't want to hear about your mistakes? You just thought she'd forgive and forget? Take this new man you've become at face value after you've been a lying, cheating bastard for YEARS. Really? Apparently, you don't know a thing about women, so let us school you. When it comes to infidelity, women are like elephants--WE NEVER FORGET. Face this fact: She may never get over the hurt and your relationship may be over no matter how hard you try to do right.

Get off the love short bus, honey...and get over yourself. You done wrong. Now when it's time to face the music, you don't like the tune. Well...if you don't like it, then FREE YOURSELF from this good woman and let her find someone who deserves her and who won't cheat on her. How about that? Let another man, love and adore her, give her what she needs in the boudoir. Let him be the man you should've been from the jump. Or you can shut your pie hole and let her work through her pain. Choice is yours.

With that said, we do have a few tips to get you through the short run.

  1. Validate her feelings. Don't try to say you're different, the past is the past and end the subject. Tell her that you understand how much you hurt her, that you can't imagine the pain you caused her (because you can't) and you understand how wrong you were, and then ask her to allow you to be the man you want to be for her. Don't tell her the past is the past because while your player days may be over, the pain you cause is PRESENT and REAL.
  2. You don't want her to bring up your past in arguments? Then don't argue! This is the time to let her win everything. You shouldn't be arguing. Suck it up and keep your mouth shut no matter how right you are.
  3. Replace the bad memories with good ones. You're so busy trying to win what is probably a stupid argument in the first place that you are just adding to the bad memories she's already got. Stop it. Do nice things, exceptionally nice things constantly so that she can look at you in a positive light again. Right now, she doesn't see the man you're trying to be, just the lying cheating bastard who keeps arguing. If you change, she'll change how he perceives you.
  4. If you have an ounce of religion, pray together. Kind of hard to be vicious to each other when you put God between you.
If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please drop us a line at

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Blog Time Out for Shameless Self Promotion: The Bum Magnet Blog Tour and New Reviews!

Taking a VERY short timeout for shameless self promotion. If you're enjoying this blog you'll LOVE my novels The Bum Magnet and the upcoming sequel Got a Right to Be Wrong! Both are on sale now (the sequel is available for pre-order)!

Here's the latest 5 Star Review!!
Reviews by Molly: PUYB Blog Tour & Review: The Bum Magnet by K.L. Brady.: Title: The Bum Magnet Author: K.L.Brady Publisher: Simon and Schuster Release Date: March 2011 Pages: 368 Source. 5 out of 5 Book Rating!!

Want to pick up your own copies???

Also...I'm on tour--a Blog Tour that is! Check out my stops and learn more about the nutcase who writes this blog! :)

Beyond the Books: How I Landed a Literary Agent

Interview on the Examiner

Interview on Blog Critics

Interview on Review From Here!

Book Review at Mad Moose Mama

Book Review at Mysteries Etc.

The Story Behind the Book

More Stops Here...

We now will return to our regularly scheduled programming...

Monday, August 22, 2011

4 Ways to Embrace Your Inner B*tch!

Oh...she's in there. You know she is. You love her. Sometimes you're afraid of her. Nearly all the time, you respect her. She doesn't listen to or tolerate BS from anybody. She thinks what you're too afraid to think, says what you're too shy to say, and does the things you couldn't fathom doing on your bravest day. She's courageous, daring, And she doesn't give a damn about what others think of her. And she's always bags the best men!

As women, we're almost bred to be nurturers, accommodating...ladylike. We don't yell, curse, or God forbid, say what we're really thinking. It's against the rules. We suck it up and keep it moving because we've got places to go and people depending on us to take care of them. We're always supposed to be thoughtful and considerate of other people's feelings, even at the expense of our well-being...and often, our sanity.

She's sitting inside. Watching it all. Seething. Struggling to get from under this docile heifer and make her thoughts known and voice heard. She rarely rears her head and usually must be provoked. Like that time when she spent the day cooking a three-course meal and he showed up two hours late because he was hanging out with his boys. When he arrived at the door, she stuck her head out the window and told him to check the lost and found because that where his mind must be if he thought he was getting inside her house or between her legs THAT day!

We love her, don't we? Always the perfect snappy retort at the right time.

Who is this divinely bold, brash, and confident woman?

She's your inner b*tch. That's who she is. She dwells deep within all of us but most of the time we're to afraid to let her do her thing. Why? Being a b*tch ain't easy...and usually comes with consequences. The uncontrolled, ruthless bitch can make for nasty outcomes. Hurt feelings. Lost friendships. Angry responses. Break-ups. Yanked hair weaves. Broken bones.

So why should we release this hurricane of emotion? Because she's the most honest part of souls. She lays it on the line. When she speaks, everyone listens. And at the core of every word she speaks is our most organic truth. It's this degree of truth that frees us from pain, unhappiness, our own unrealistic expectations, other people's expectations for what we should do, say, or how we should behave. She gives us room to breathe and be who we really are.

Damn she's fierce.

So what can we do to embrace her?

1. Take a trip and and let her rip. One reason we don't release our inner b*tch is because we're afraid of what the people we know and love might think. So, don't release her around them. Go some place where nobody knows your name. Feel her. Talk her. Dress her. Be her. If people embrace this part of your truth, you'll feel less apprehensive about allowing her to emerge around those you love. And if she's hated, go home and relish in the memory.

2. Find her funny. You ever notice how comedians can say anything mean or long as it's humorous and makes people laugh. Camouflage your inner b*tch with some humor and most people will welcome her with open arms.

3. Journal her. Not ready to speak her truth? Write it. What more freedom to release this fierce woman into your world than to place her on the pages of a book. You don't have to show anybody or you can publish her later and show everybody. The most important point is that you release her from the prison of your inner lady and let her be who she is.

4. Speak her. Sometimes, you just need to let her have her way if you have justification to do so. Control her. Don't get carried away. But there's nothing more liberating than saying exactly what you want to say. At the end of the day, people aren't glass and your words won't break. Don't be spiteful, hurtful, or ruthless...but don't be afraid to be honest. Everyone around you will survive. More importantly, they'll get over it!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Weekly Words of Wisdom

"If you don't divorce that fool who had the nerve to cheat on you, you'll be married to a fool who had the nerve to cheat on you."~~Mama Tyson

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

She Said, We Said - Wife on the Edge

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

My husband and I have been married 3 years. I really feel like he is cheating on me but I dropped it because I didn't want to lose him if he wasn't. But I have heard that he was cheating on me from someone else. He only goes to work and the gym. Could it really be true? Yesterday was my birthday and first he forgot. Also he bought me a 70 dollar gift which my mom gave him 50 for. So, basically he spent 20 dollars on me. I know it is not about the money but still . I do everything for him and he doesn't appreciate me. I really want it to work with us but it is so hard, and he fights with me all the time and puts me in a bad mood saying I do it to myself. I feel that if he loved me he would show it . I wouldn't have to beg him everyday. Maybe I'm wrong. I know this is a lot but I am just frustrated and taking out my anger :). So please don't be mean. Just advise please. I'm lost and feel used.


Wife on the Edge

We Said...

Dear Wife on the Edge,

We don't want to be mean but we've got to be honest, so let's do a recap. You believe he's cheating (and you're probably absolutely right). He doesn't appreciate you, doesn't remember your birthday and goes cheap-ass on your gift. He fights with you all the time (probably to help maintain the emotional distance so he can continue his affair). You have to beg him for love and affection, which he still doesn't give to you (because he's probably giving it to someone else). You feel lost and you feel used by the man who is supposed hold you above all others. Hmmm. We can see why you're holding so tightly to this relationship...not!

He may or may not be cheating--probably is--but that's the least of your concerns at this point. You have bigger issues to deal with because three things here are very clear: You're unhappy. He knows you're unhappy. And he doesn't care to try and fix your relationship to make things better.

You have to ask yourself why you are clinging to someone who doesn't give a damn about your happiness. And because you're clinging so desperately to this shell of a relationship, he doesn't feel as if he has to make any effort because no matter how much he hurts you or neglects, you're not going to hold him accountable and you're not going to leave. Is that the life you want to live?

Get off the love short bus, honey. Time to stand up for yourself. First of all you need to find out why you don't value yourself more than you value a man who treats you like crap? Until you understand and embrace your self-worth, you will settle for crappy treatment and you will be miserable no matter who you're with.

After you come to the realization that you are worthy of a happy relationship with a good man, lay down the law and let him know the status quo isn't acceptable. You deserve more from your relationship and from your husband than the second-class, stepchild treatment he's giving you right now. And if you don't demand it for yourself, who will? Let him know you refuse to live in the current state anymore and his choice is to work on the relationship or you're going to let him go and find someone worthy of the love you have to give. And when you say this, you have to actually mean it! Don't even bother saying a word if you're not going to back it up. It's better to lose a bad husband than lose yourself.

If you have any relationship issues you'd like us to address, please drop a line to Rissey & Nisey at

Monday, August 15, 2011

Stepping Out II: Top 6 Reasons Men Cheat

He's staying a way from home more often, sometimes late into the night, offering lame excuses. He avoids answering his phone when you're in his presence or takes his calls to another room. He begins to criticize you more and more, suddenly you picking up weight...or you need exercise and tighten up your act a little bit. And he avoids you like a bill collector. Your spidey senses tell you something ain't right...but he loves you, you have a family, everybody goes through difficult times, right?

Uh-uh...don't get it twisted. He's cheating...or he's about to start.

Even though cheating is an activity that I think is most closely associated with men, men cheat for many of the same reasons women do. Raise your hand if you generally view men as the primary aggressors and perpetrators of infidelity in relationships? Mine's up. I'll be the first to admit it. Because men tend to be such visual creatures, hound dogs if you will, we automatically assume that men cheat for shallow reasons--such as he can't get enough sex or the woman looks better than the one he has at home.

However, most people would be surprised to know that men cheat for reasons that are just as emotionally driven as women. Yes. They're human too. With feelings even. They have needs to be desired, appreciated, understood, and adored like any woman has. The only difference is that they are less likely to communicate these needs to their partner as a woman would be for fear of being perceived as weak or needy.

This is such an important point for women to understand because if our man cheats our minds automatically assume that we're somehow inadequate, too fat, not as pretty as her...or as we used to be, when nine time out of ten, he connected with someone else for emotional reasons that have nothing to do with sex or physical appearance, rather an emotional connection and a feeling that they are emotionally safe and secure--that they are man enough.

So, what are the main reasons men cheat. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Emotionally disconnected. What you say? Men need to feel emotionally connected to their spouse or significant other too? No way.

Yeah way!

When communication fails, the heart sails--for both women AND men. When men don't feel appreciated or understood or as if the women in their lives appreciate the effort their making, they will stray...especially when there's a woman in his ear telling him everything he needs to hear and more.

2. Sexual dissatisfaction. When your sex life isn't measuring up, a man will stray to find a way to fill the void. Biologically speaking, men generally have higher sex drives than women. Usually. Believe it or not, most men do not desire their women to be freaks in the bed (although it certainly doesn't hurt one little bit), but the biggest complaint most men have a bout sex is the frequency...not the variety. Most men want it often and that doesn't have to involve handcuffs and chandeliers. If they're not getting it frequently enough, they will find someone to take up the slack.

3. Insecurity. Men need to feel as if what they're doing to support their families or significant others is enough. They need to feel as if they're enough man for their women and enough father for their kids. When women nag, belittle, or berate their men, the men feel as if they're falling short of everyone's expectations, they lose the feeling of security in their position as head of the family or relationship and will seek to keep company with people who make them feel as if what they have to offer is enough.

4. Something new, Something different. Notice I didn't say something better. That is key. Sometimes people get too comfortable and too complacent in their home lives, and someone else may be offering something shiny and new...all the things they think they're missing at home. The grass always appears greener...(even if the water bill is higher).

5. Option meets Opportunity. Sometimes when men are feeling vulnerable and an opportunity presents itself in which they don't believe they'll get caught, they will go for it. The point here is that they are already feeling vulnerable. Maybe they had a early fight with the wife and late night at work, and the co-worker they've been flirting with just happens to be working late too. Maybe they're away on business and they happen upon a woman who wants as little from the encounter as he does. Whatever the reason, an opportunity presents itself and the offender doesn't believe he'll get caught.

6. Prize Outweighs the Punishment. When men are miserable and feeling angry or hurt about a situation at home, at some point, the reward from cheating becomes worth more to them than the risk that they'll get caught or lose their relationship with their wife or significant other. Unfortunately, if a man reaches this point, their probably won't be much turning back. Unlike for women, this usually isn't an exit strategy as much as it is a means to escape...and the long-term relationship is probably nearly over.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Buy My Books on Amazon

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

He Said, We Said - Ho to a Housewife?

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I've been married 6 years and have 3 beautiful children. My wife continues to go out to bars til 3 in the morning and I hear later how she was dancing on the bar and on poles and what not. I do Love her to death, but can not continue to go through this. We have talked on counseling but she will not go through with it. Now lately I have stooped to her level (knowing its not right) but started going out as well. But of course if I do it and don't come home til 3 or 4 I'm a bad father. I've only done it twice but already feel that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Its starting to affect my kids now, and I'm considering leaving and getting shared custody. Am I wrong for not wanting my kids brought up in that kind of environment. I believe our kids deserve a better life and should not have to go through this. Seriously need advise from those that have been through it. Thanks in advance to all that input!


Partied Out

We Said...

Dear Partied Out,

We certainly feel your pain, but something tells us this partying didn't just begin overnight. She was probably partying when you met her, dropping shots like jelly beans, getting her groove on in the club and you thought that was sexy to death. And, oh yes Lord, when she hiked her leg up and wrapped it around that same pole you now scorn, your eyes glazed over with lust as you said to yourself, "Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. That's my future ex-wife!" You knew what you were getting into when you married her, you were probably just hoping a husband and three kids would be enough to tame her. And you were wrong.

Get off the love short bus, honey. YOU can't turn a ho into a housewife. She still believes shaking her ass is still more important to her than shaking these party girl habits and she's not going to change until she's ready. Moreover, your partying will only compound an already bad situation. We don't blame you of course, but you're going to have to be the grown up for your kids' sake.

With that said, you're right about one thing--no woman, not even their mother, comes before the well-being of your kids. Her behavior is bad enough, but you guys are probably fighting like cats and dogs which without question will have a longer-term effect on their emotional health. While you might have the urge to start issuing ultimatums, we don't suggest you do that because she will just resent you for making her change her lifestyle. Just explain to her that you're not threatening her with divorce, but you think her behavior is detrimental to the kids and let her know that she has a choice to make: separate and get her own place until she gets the partying out of her system or stay and respect her family. Allow her to choose her course freely and without any pressure from you. Say what you have to say and don't argue, don't fuss. Just make it clear that the status quo is absolutely unacceptable for the sake of the children. You chose her. She chooses to party. But your children had no choice in this matter...and they deserve better, don't you think? Let's just hope their mother does too.

If you have relationship issues you'd like us to address, please email us a

Monday, August 8, 2011

Stepping Out: The Top 5 Reasons Women Cheat

I had a conversation with a male friend recently, and he asked me what are some of the signs that a woman might be cheating. I thought to myself, "You dare ask me to divulge ancient SistaGirl secrets to your kind?" So, I deflected the question and turned it back around on him asking, "The real question you need to ask yourself is: Does she have reason to cheat?"

Cheating is not a natural state of being for most women. Generally speaking, with the exception of a very rare few outliers, emotionally healthy, secure women will breach the trust of a man she's genuinely in love with without provocation. It's nature--the old hunter-gatherer theory. Men are adept and thrill in chasing and hunting. Women content themselves with what's close to (or at) home, genetically programmed to find ONE mate who provides a secure, happy home and compatible sex life. Notice I said compatible. Not every woman needs a man who swings from chandeliers every night, but if you're satisfying her needs at a pace suitable to her, she isn't going anywhere. This is her natural condition.

When a woman steps out on her mate, she's going against her natural tendencies, and it's usually a difficult but calculated decision. No matter what they say about getting caught up in "the moment" most women who cheat planned to do so, maybe to right some wrong or fulfill some need, but they don't just slip and fall on another man's penis.

And let me keep it real. When torn between the decision to leave her man or to cheat, most women will not compromise theirs or their children's physical security (i.e., roof over their heads, financial stability) even if provoked, which is why they are usually better cheaters than men. They will ensure they've created that physical and financial security some place else before they even think of walking away. She'll stray from their relationship on the down low while at the same time creating the illusion of a relatively stable relationship, keeping the home as happy as possible until she's worked her back-up plan. As soon as the plan is executed, she rolls out. This is often the point at which she'll allow herself to get caught if indeed she is cheating.

So, the big question is, what are the key reasons a woman will go against nature, and step out of her relationship>

1. Revenge for her man's infidelity. He's cold busted. She cried and screamed. He begged and pleaded. She forgave. All is well, right? No, sir. Her anger and disappointment will plant a seed for "The Get-Back." What most men don't realize is that when they cheat they write their woman a ticket to Cheatersville or in layman's terms--provide justification. She may not cash it in today, the next week, the next month, or even the next year, but eventually, if she doesn't leave you first, she will cash it in at the moment most opportune for her. And if she is dependent on you financially or otherwise, you probably won't have a clue until she wants you to.

2. Emotionally unfulfilled or unappreciated. Women are naturally emotional creatures. Men are naturally providers. Oftentimes, men forget that women are nurtured by sincere affection and appreciation. A kind word, a compliment, emotional support, encouragement the little things mean everything to women. Here's the thing, most men are prone to provide those things in abundance while courting but when the courting's over, they become emotional deserts. Mark my words, she'll step out and find water...even if it's another man's well.

3. Emotionally unhealthy. Remember I said that emotionally healthy women generally will not cheat. Well, emotional unhealthy women who seek to fill voids through sex or attention, probably will. Women who suffer from low self esteem, past sexual abuse, or other emotional instabilities may tend to deal with problems in their relationships in counterproductive ways. It may appear as if she's just playing the bad girl, but her problems probably run much deeper than a desire to fulfill an unfulfilled physical need.

4. Physically and emotionally disconnected from her mate. For most women, sex is more about reaching a climax (although we need that too). Most women connect emotionally to their mates during intercourse as well. So when the sex decreases in quantity and/or quality, women miss that emotional and physical nourishment. Maybe he's having a tough time at work, sexual problems he's afraid to share, or he's involved with someone else. Whatever the reason, communication and sex are nil, and she senses he's pulling away from her emotionally or physically. Even if a man is just going through a difficult time, women will frequently jump to conclusions and translate this kind of behavior as his exit strategy. So, they seek to find what they're missing (or will be missing when he leaves) elsewhere.

5. Exit Strategy. Women know that for men, the providers, having a woman cheat on him strikes at the core of his reason for being. It says to him that he had not fulfilled his duty well enough to keep his woman in the home, worse, she may have found someone to do it better--whether it be sex or provide more safety and stability. Men know that sex is more emotional for women so that if she's allowed another man in to that realm, he knows the act is more than a roll in the hay. So when she reveals this information or allows herself to get caught, it is more often than not because she's ready to leave, and there's little her man could do to prevent it.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Weekly Words of Wisdom

"If I have my choice, I'll choose a break-up over a breakdown. With the former you might lose a lover, but with the latter, you might lose yourself." ~~Mama Tyson

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

She Said, We Said--My Boyfriend's Dating

She said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

So I was looking at the history trail on my boyfriend's laptop which I know I shouldn't really do and found he had been on I clicked on it and he was still logged on. He has a picture of himself on there but his age his wrong he hasn't paid to be a full member. I'm guessing though because the payment screen came up.

I looked in his inbox on the site and there was two messages from girls living in a place where his friend lives, and he goes to stay with him alot! That has worried me!! It wouldn't let me view the messages though! I know that he has signed up for this recently because the picture he has on there is one of me and him that was taken at Christmas time. Obviously he has cropped me out and that hurts a lot too, that he's using a picture that was of us two! He hasn't filled in a lot of his profile but he's clicked a section on sex and discreet relationships.

I know men like to look at other women. I know they watch porn etc and I don't like it but I accept it because they are human! And I wouldn't have been too bothered about seeing this dating website if it did not have his picture on because there is a lot of porn type pics on there. I would have just figured he was looking at those but the fact that he's got his pic on there says he wants to act on meeting someone doesn't it?! I'm so upset. I love this guy more than anything in the world, we've been together three years. I'm so hurt right now, just looking for some advice! x


My Boyfriend's Trying to Date

We Said...

Dear Boyfriend's Trying to Date,

Something tells me you know the answer. Otherwise, why would you be checking the history trail in the first place, huh? You have your detective hat on, the same one women have been donning for centuries because you know in your heart something is wrong...very wrong. The problem is you're looking to answer a question you already know the answer to. And you found exactly what you were looking for!! Now the answer's in your face and the only real problem here is you just don't want to acknowledge that the man you're so deeply in love with could be a lying, cheating, S.O.B! It's one thing to window shop, and an entirely different thing to window shop with money in your pocket (i.e., set up a profile and accept emails). He's trying to make his fantasies a reality...and what's really important is he's not trying to do that with you.

Get off the love short bus honey! Time for you to crop him out of YOUR picture and find someone who loves and respects you. Respects you enough not to be hunting down other women while you're supposed to be in a committed relationship. Respects you enough to put your feelings first. Forget him and his so-called need to see a little porn. YOU DESERVE MORE!

Obviously, he has no intention of least not yet. And if you confront him, he's gonna beg you not to leave. Give him the hand and pack your bags honey. Don't hang on because you've invested so much time and energy. Let go, and make a place for the man who will treat you right! Better to waste three years than four! Better to hurt a little bit now, then a lot for a lifetime!

If you have a relationship question you want us to discuss. Drop us a line at

Monday, August 1, 2011

Relationship on the Rocks? Top 7 Signs You Might Need to Pack It In

Here's a isn't perfect. I know what you're thinking, "Tell me something I didn't know" right? It's natural to believe that when you hit a few bumps in the road of your relationship that you just need to "hang in there" and "work through it." This too shall pass. Your significant other isn't perfect...and neither are you. Bumps are inevitable. On the other hand, you'd like nothing better than to run over them with your car and then back up once or twice for good measure.

We've all been there, haven't we? You've been in a relationship for a few months...or a few years, trying to make it work because you've invested so much of your time, energy, and your heart. Problem're at the end of your rope...and you'd like to hang your significant other with it. You still love them, at least you think you do when you're not questioning whether it was love to begin with. And the sex is still off the chain, even if only after a heated argument. Oh, they have other redeeming qualities too. For example, they're beautiful as they are walking away, and you could spend the entire day in bed with long as they keep they keep a pillow over their head and don't attempt to touch you.

When you start feeling this way, a break up may be inevitable. You pout and say, "But it's so haaaaard! I don't wanna." No one likes to be the bearer of that bad news. I mean, really. Who wants to be the cause of someone's hurt and pain...or even our own loneliness? Nobody. But you must realize that every relationship has its reason and its season. Some people are meant to be with you for a moment. Others are meant to be with you for a lifetime. And hanging on to someone who doesn't genuinely love you or better still--can't love you in a way that allows you be the best version of yourself and grow as a person--will only lengthen the time it takes for you to get to the person who can.

Not sure whether it's time to go? Here are 7 signs that may suggest it's time to assess where you are in your relationship and whether it's still worth continuing.
  1. Sex is history. The story of your sex life goes from reading like the Daily News to the Memoirs of an Invisible Orgasm. A healthy sex life is one sign of a healthy relationship...or at least a sign that you're still willing to touch them. If you arrive at the point where the thought of them touching grates on your nerves like nails on a chalkboard, you're probably ready to go.
  2. Love amnesia. When you first met them, you could write a book on all of the reasons why they made you happy, now you'd struggle to write a sentence. Your good times are stored in your long-term memory and all you can think about is your strategy for winning the next argument.
  3. Escalating fights. Your arguments progress from small verbal disagreement to death matches and frequently involve utensils and artillery. Verbal arguments are natural, but when they get unfair, ruthless, and nasty, you may need to think about leaving. Physical fights=way bad. If you've cut off your husbands penis and thrown it in the garbage disposal, the time to leave was probably about five minutes before you picked up the knife.
  4. Change in perception. Those endearing flaws become major irritants. What used to be the cute little mole above her lip now looks more like the mark of Beelzebub. And they haven't changed, but your perception has. When we're in love with someone, we overlook their flaws. When we're falling out of love, we place them under a microscope and examine them until they become distorted reflections of what we imagined them to be when we met them.
  5. Future? What future? Your dreams of walking down the aisle and having kids are now nightmares you can't shake with consuming large quantities of alcohol and sedatives. Your relationship should always be growing and moving forward, even if it just inches forward. Stagnation will always leave you wanting something more. If the thought of spending another day, let alone the rest of your life with someone makes you physically ill, it's time to consider packing those bags.
  6. Failure to communicate. Communication is among the most important elements of a relationship, yet your house is as quiet as a Charlie Chaplain movie. You don't talk to each other. You might talk at each other or around each other, but neither one of you is getting your point across. More importantly, you don't listen...nor do you want to listen. When you've reached a point where you no longer even care whether you communicate, the end of your relationship is probably closer than you think.
  7. Blissfully alone. You're happier when you're apart than you are when you're together. More than that, you are the best version of yourself when they aren't around you. Your relationship is toxic and your entire demeanor changes when you're around them. When they walk into a room, they are like happiness vacuums that suck out all the joy and make you and everyone around them miserable. We should never let anyone steal our joy. If your partner is a dream killer or happiness thief, they've got to go!
Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes it's necessary for your sanity and your sanctity. No relationship will ever be perfect, but when the imperfections stifle your ability to love and be the person you're meant to be, leaving may be the best thing you could ever do for them...and yourself.

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