Weekly Words of Wisdom

"A best friend is like pet dog with flees. You love it no matter what, but it's probably not a good idea to sleep with it." ~~ Mama Tyson

She Said, We Said--Fell in Love with My BFF

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

Recently I mustered enough courage to tell my best friend of 6 yrs that I love him, and he basically said he doesn't feel the same. Every since I feel like he's tromping all over my feelings. He told me that he told a mutual friend of ours, who's interested in me, that I like him. I did say once I found our friend attractive but why tell that, especially so soon after I poured my heart out to him? He also tries to make me think he's in need by saying "Oh I'm so cold... it's so cold here", as if I'm suppose to say "oh let me keep you warm".

He use to, I guess jokingly, say to me "I love you, do you love me?" or "Why do you love me?" Well he's started that up again. Why? Why use such sensitive phrases and questions like that right now? Is that funny to him? And he keeps telling me how he's exchanging flirty banter over fb with a mutual girlfriend of ours, and how another one of our friends is helping fill her head to his advantage. Both of these girls I have to interact with as we live in the same state, and he doesn't. He's basically saying this girl he likes could become my replacement.

Before I professed my feelings I had cut him off for a bit because he was pursuing a girl just like me, but had never attempted to pursue me. When we finally spoke again, he said he didn't want to lose me as a friend, and that maybe one day he would see me as more.

Now, he's hinting at me possibly being replaced? What's going on? Why is he trying to hurt me like this? What did I do to deserve such cruel treatment?

Signed,

I've got the Best Friend Blues.

We Said...

Dear Best Friend Blues,

Ahhhh, unrequited love, and with a best friend no less. We've been there done that more times than we care to recall. The line between love and friendship is a thin and often confusing one, especially if you're looking at your situation with your heart and not your head. If we've said it once, we'll say it again: If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would've asked you to be his girlfriend. Simple as that. Men aren't mysterious creatures. If they want something they know how to pursue it. Seems your friend has told you not only in plain English, but in the way that he treats you, that he doesn't want to be your man. So there is only one thing left for you to do--believe him! He means it. He doesn't just mean it, he really really means it. Let us make this clear--he's not replacing you. You never had a place in his heart to begin with so you can't be replaced.

Don't be confused by any mixed signals he may have sent after you shared your feelings. His playing with your head is a sign of his immaturity, not hope! It's not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't care to get in your pants--the one clear thing that separates girlfriends from best friends. His line is clear as day, it's only yours that's a little murky.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Move on! From now on, if you want to know if a man really wants to be with you, then let HIM pursue YOU. Don't ever make the first move. Then you will never have any doubts, and you can avoid putting your feelings out there to be tromped on. We think you need to make a clean break of this relationship, not for him, but for yourself. Give yourself some time to let your heart heal. Focus on yourself and activities that you love to do, become happy within yourself, and the right guy will be drawn to you like flies to a dead bunny. Then you'll know he was meant for you!

If you have any relationship issues you'd like the solutions to, please write us at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com

The Husband-Seeker's Ten Commandments of Modern Dating

I do not profess to be an expert on successful dating. Can’t tell you how to get it right. However, I sure as heck can tell you how to date the wrong way. I’ve got twenty years of proven experience, thank you very much. Rock solid credentials. So, I can say with absolute certainty that while following these commandments might not help you find right man, they’ll darn minimize your contact with the wrong men. Take heed and follow:

1. Thou shalt keep thy undies above the knees and skirt below thy ass. No sex until thou hast a promise of commitment.

2. Thou shalt not covet another woman’s ass…er…husband, lest thy eyes be gouged with the guilt of sin…or the heel of a Christian Louboutin.

3. Thou shalt allow the man to be the man—pay for dinner, open doors—lest ye strip him of his man pants and spend the rest of thy days with 1,000 cats.

4. Thou shalt allow the man the thrill of pursuit. A dog will not stray from the home of his own choosing.

5. Thou shalt promote clear communication about thy feelings, never make assumptions on actions (or lack thereof) alone. A man who professeth not, loveth not.

6. Thou shalt not seek husbands in bars and clubs. If thou only shop in a sty, thou can only purchase a pig…knee deep in mud and slop.

7. Thy shalt not deceive in words or deeds. To be truthful is divine, to lie will attract Karma…and she’s a bitch.

8. Thou shalt tap into thy inner bitch and maintain thy own interests, activities, and hobbies, lest ye become too available and uninteresting…and spend the rest of thy days with 1,000 cats.

9. Thou shalt zip thy lip. Never discuss thy past asses…er…relationships with a potential mate during the early dating stages.

10. Thou shalt never ignore or make excuses for RED FLAGS. Flee-eth as the March wind. He might want to be your man, but he STILL CAN'T!

Selfish

Thoughtless

Inconsiderate

Lies

Living with Mom

Controlling

A Preoccupation with Sex

Negative

Too Many Kids, Baby’s Mamas 

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Weekly Words of Wisdom

"If the road paved with good intentions takes you through hell, keep going! Don't stop." ~ Mama Tyson

He Said, We Said - She's an Alien!

He Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I met my ex girl friend after 7 years. She was married and has one daughter but now she is divorced. She lives in the USA and I live in Germany. So after I met her again on Facebook, she wanted to come here [to] Germany to visit me. So 3 months [ago] she came here for one week and visited me.

The problem I have is ... she is a completely different person now from the one I know and I cannot understand her. As far I understand, she just simply couldn't answer me a simple question. Rather she makes it more serious and I get angry easily. And I don't know what to do. She said she doesn't want to stop the relationship unless I did. And I think she is waiting for me to act on it... but i don't know .. cause I love her so much. But I really don't know how we are going to live together. Big misunderstanding and it is killing me.

Please help

Signed

She's an Alien

We Said...

Dear She's An Alien,

Dude! She's not an alien, she's the same woman you BROKE UP with the first time. The key word in your question is EX-girlfriend. There are two things you could've done with her when you were with her the first time: marry her or break up. You chose to break up! Seven years was apparently enough time apart for you to forget why you broke up with her in the first place. And one week was all it took to remind you of the reason why you left. Just because you love someone does not mean they are the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with...or even another week. You have the capacity to love a lot of people in your lifetime...you need to find the next one.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Time to let it go...this time for real...and forever.

Amen!

If you have a relationship question you'd like answered, please send your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Absentee Dads: How Women Are Affected, 4 Tips to Cope

I tried to think of a way to make this topic funny, but it's so deeply personal to me that even I failed to find the humor. From Evelyn on Basketball Wives, to Jennifer Aniston, to little unknown me, relationship patterns among women with without strong fathers has one undeniable trend--they're unsuccessful. My father and I couldn't be closer today, but for the first 18 years of my life, he was missing in action. And his absence has had a profound impact on my relationships with men. By no small coincidence, it's also among the subject matter covered in the upcoming sequel to The Bum Magnet, Got a Right to Be Wrong, when Charisse's absentee father reappears for her pending nuptials. Of course, like many women, dad's reappearance can often go over like a lead balloon--as does his.

If you think growing up without a father in your life isn't one of the most significant factors that impact your relationships with men, you really need to take a deeper look inside your feelings. As girls, we need affirmation and appreciation from our father's and male role models. We need to hear we're beautiful, smart...worthy of the best a man has to offer. We need to feel safe and protected. Boys need to observe the way "good men" behave, carry themselves, communicate...and most importantly, how they treat the women in their lives. Unfortunately that role is lost when Daddy's gone and women, no matter how hard they try, women cannot fill that role, especially when the man was missing from our own lives.

Society always places so much emphasis on ensuring boys have strong male role models that women are often forgotten in that equation, but think about this for one second. In 2006, 12.9 million families in the United States were headed by a single parent, 80 percent of those female. 80 friggin' percent! That means we as women, and our dysfunctional relationships with men, will impact not only our own lives, but the quality of relationships that our children and our children's children will have in their lifetimes. If we can't get it right, then with 80 percent of us heading households, our kids probably won't either.

Studies show that teenage girls without fathers in the home engage in sexual activity earlier, have higher rates of teenage pregnancy, and some even enter puberty sooner. Not to mention behavioral and academic problems.

As grown women, those issues manifest themselves in a number of different ways, including:

1. Low-self esteem, skewed senses of self-worth. After all, the man who was supposed to be genetically disposed to love us and keep us safe has rejected us (or so many of us believe). In our minds, we weren't worthy enough for him to step up to plate and meet his responsibility. Of course common sense says he had issues that had nothing to do with us, but our hearts haven't quite learned to translate his absence in that way.
2. Fear of commitment. Many of us become serial daters or monogamists because we don't want to place full faith and confidence in any man.
3. Trust issues. Even in committed seemingly healthy relationships with with good men, we live with the expectation that someday, their going to leave us or let us down. So, we're constantly looking over our shoulders...and theirs.
4. Attraction to emotionally unavailable men...just like daddy. Many of us will unconsciously replicate the relationship with our absentee dads. Seem crazy doesn't it? To chase men for a love we know they aren't capable of giving? That's because we're experienced at it. For our entire lives we've craved a love from our fathers that they weren't capable or willing to provide. So looking for love from an unwilling partner becomes the norm and we don't know the feeling of acceptance because we've never received willing love from a man.
5. Fear of abandonment. Always afraid someone's going to leave us, we cling to relationships with a Kung Fu death grip. We almost refuse release painful or hurtful relationships because we're so scared we may not find anyone else to love us. It's better to keep a sorry piece of man than to experience the pain of him leaving.
6. Promiscuity. Some women seek love through sex because they have no sense of self-worth. Never had a man to say they are precious, beautiful, and important. Never felt protected. We need to feel safe and wanted, even if that only occurs during a brief moment of intercourse. We don't believe we are smart, worthy, or valuable enough to attract love any other way.

These issues are serious, deeply rooted, and can't be fixed in a day or month. For many, it may take years. As with any road to healing, it all begins with one step at a time. One day at a time. Here are four steps to begin on the road to coping with the pain of our past and focusing on our futures.

1. Admit that your father's absence has negative affected your life. Pray to God. Talk to your pastor. Go to therapy. Hell, talk to yourself if that helps. So many of us put up fronts and say, "I'm doing just fine without my daddy in my life." You've achieved some level of success without him. But there's a hole in your emotional well-being, and always will be, until you face the fact two simple facts: You needed him, and he wasn't there for you.
2. Write a letter. Tell your father how much his absence hurt you. Tell him what he missed and tell him what happened to you because he wasn't there to protect you. Tell him you're angry. Tell him you hate how he behaved. Let it all out. If you're in contact with your father, you may want to give the letter to him. If not, then put the letter away until you're ready to throw it away.
3. Forgive him. Yes, at some point, you have to let go of your pain and move on with the rest of your life with the understanding that your life is bigger than your father's mistakes. Who you are, the woman you're destined to become, is greater than your past. You can grow from your pain and you can have healthy happy relationships despite the way your father treated you (or didn't treat you). Forgiveness frees you to let go and focus on your future.
4. Ensure your children have strong male role models. Don't repeat the pattern. You're an adult so you may feel it's too late for you...but it's not too late for your children. Eighty percent! You have a responsibility to your kids to keep them from becoming statistics. Ensure your kids have mentors and role models, inside of the family and out.

Absentee fathers, whether they are in the home or outside of it, leave holes in their daughters' emotional development that women don't understand how to fill. And if we haven't had positive male role models, we'll likely seek to fill it with something emotionally and/or physically dysfunctional. The fact of the matter is, nothing and no one could fill the void left by a father's absence. But you can move on and, with a little forgiveness and healing, you can still become the best version of yourself and embrace positive relationships with men.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Weekly Words of Wisdom

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese. Timing is everything.~Mama Tyson

Booty Call to Boyfriend: 5 Ways to Make Him Yours

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Mhm. Hmm. Got good to you didn’t it? He gave you everything you thought you needed. Mind-blowing sex, attention, affection (however brief) . . . and . . . and . . . uhhh . . . mind-blowing sex. Uncomplicated. Brief (relatively speaking…at least we hope so for your sake). And available at the press of a button--or ten of them. But you like to keep this one on speed dial, don’t you?

He could be the ex-boyfriend whose bridge you failed to burn, a “friend” about whom you’ve always been curious, a one-night stand who wants more left-overs…I mean do-overs. Or maybe you’re just recovering from your most current disaster and have sworn off of men…or at least the non-protruding parts. You just need a little somethin’ somethin’ to scratch the itch every now and again.

He serves his purpose well. Never steps a toe out of line or calls outside of the mandated booty call hours of ten p.m. to six a.m. … that is until tragedy strikes. He—in a lonely moment or in his overly zealous effort to sustain his premier sexual status—squeezed a little tighter, stayed a little longer, shared a few more conversations. In the aftermath, still deliriously high on pheromones, you wonder if maybe, just maybe, he might be “the one.” You couldn’t help yourself. After all, your Mom forgot to tell you that your va-jay-jay is directly connected to your heart, while his penis is directly connected to his short-term memory.

No, you haven’t even so much as gone dutch on a movie. You’ve never hung out with he and his friends. He doesn’t do anything for you except supply condoms and…well…you know. He’s never expressed a remote desire to take your relationship to any other level than horizontal…or further than the confines of the threshold of the bedroom door. Yet and still, you believe maybe there’s a chance that he’s “the one.”

Here are a five ways that you can win his love and turn that booty call into a boyfriend.

1. Rearrange his chromosomes. Add an “X” and remove the “Y.” Obviously, you want him to act like a man and think like a lady. You want his penis connected to his heart instead of the short-term memory and that’s not going to happen without major surgery. You’re a booty call and that’s the only way he’ll ever view you because that’ all you’ve ever been.

2. Give him a heart transplant…and replace it with one programmed to love you. Oh, he has the capacity to love and love deeply. The problem is that he doesn’t want to love you. If he wanted to love you, you’d be his girlfriend and not his booty call.

3. Give him amnesia, so he can forget about your walk through the valley of Ho-ville. No man wants to believe his woman, the one he honors and has committed to, could even conceive of having capricious sex with any old man. You set the standard for yourself and, in his eyes, the standard is “Any old d*ck will do ya.” If you want more from him, the only thing he might be willing to part with is five extra minutes before he climaxes…if you ask nicely.

4. Give yourself amnesia…so you can forget this stupid idea. Listen, if you want to be a girlfriend, you’re gonna have to start with someone new and act like girlfriend material from the jump. That means set standards for what you want and need from a relationship upfront…and don’t compromise! And don’t give up booty until he openly expresses his desire for commitment

5. Sever the limb and start over. No, don’t cut him off literally, but do so figuratively. Cut the relationship, admit that you rushed into it, made some poor decisions, and that you’d like to see if there is a possibility to begin again and approach things differently. If he agrees, then you know you have a winner. If not, then let it go. Keep it moving. And don’t look back. 

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Shake off the Guilt: 5 Great Reasons to Date a Married Man

Shake off the Guilt: 5 Great Reasons to Date a Married Man

Weekly Words of Wisdom

"You can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but there’s a sucker born every minute!" ~ Mama Tyson

She Said, We Said - The Ass? Or Green Grass?

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nissey,

I have been married for five months today. I think it was a big mistake. He lies a lot about everything. I have three kids from a previous marriage, he acts inappropriately around them (swearing, fighting with them). I've started to have feelings for someone who has been interested in me for a long time. This guy is amazing, he is everything that you could ask for in a man. I feel confused and don't know what to do. If I leave my marriage I want to know for sure that it's not because of this other guy. We've been getting lots of counseling, sometimes things seem better, other times they are back to the same old. What do I do????

Additional Details

We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married. He was great with the kids prior to marriage. Yes it was too quick.

I am in no way seeing this other guy.

This marriage was pretty much over before I started talking to this other guy at all. He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest. He's actually helping me on how to handle things to have the least amount of conflict.

I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband.
My ex helps out in every way. I do not need someone to support my children. He actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better.

I'm really not comfortable talking to my kids about what they think. What if they tell me they don't like him and then it ends. Will they feel to blame for the rest of their lives. I listen to them and observe. Don't get me wrong. Their opinion is very important to me, but I'm not sure including them in the decision making is the best way to go about things.

I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.

I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.

Signed

The Ass? Or Green Grass?

We Said

Dear The Ass? Or Green Grass?,

First things first. This is a long ass letter and we thought it would be better to answer this one in stages. Let's start at five and a half years ago. Now, we don't know a thing about your first marriage, but we would bet mama's girdle that he's a lot like the second fool. While we commend you for taking five and a half years off before dating, here's the problem: You didn't work on yourself and your issues.

How do we know?

Husband number #2.

You're a bum magnet. Plain and simple. You just have an extended waiting period between bums. Whether you stay married or let it go, take some time to work on yourself! See Monday's article on the 12-step recovery program to healthier relationship and follow each step to the letter. You have some issues you need to clean out of your "closet" before you even THINK about getting into another relationship.

Now, let's talk about husband #2. You said: We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married; he lies a lot about everything; he actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better; I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him; if we were dating it would have been over a long time ago.

Hmmm... Besides all of his other issues, sounds to us as if you answered your own question. "If we were dating, it would have been over a long time ago." We got news for you sista--you shoulda dated and it shoulda been over a long time ago. The problem is you didn't take time to get to know him. But why would you do that when you didn't even take time to get to know yourself?

Finally, let's talk about Mr. Grass is Greener. Here's things you need to take note of from your letter. 1 -I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband. You know what this says to us? He doesn't want you! He's had a chance to start a relationship with you and never took it. Then you said, "He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest." Any man who really wants to be with you, will not and we repeat--will not--want your marriage to work. No. He's probably trying to be a friend and you've caught of case of superhero syndrome, mistaking his kindness for a desire to be with you. The larger problem is that he sees how eff'ed up you are and if he picks you that will make him a bumette magnet and you don't need to be with him anyway. In addition, with you dumping all of your issues on his lap, there isn't any room for your ass. If you ever want to be with him, you better work on yourself and let him fall in love with the you in recovery, not the you in crisis.

Get off the short bus, honey! Take some time, work on you. If you're in counseling, you better work on yourself first before you even think about trying to fix a marriage that shouldn't exist in the first place.

If you have a relationship issue, problem, or challenge that you'd like our help with, please email your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

So, You're a Bum Magnet, Huh? Here's Your 12-Step Program for Healthier Relationships

Okay, so last week's post got into the nitty gritty of the causes most frequently at the root of bum magnetism. But you didn't think I was gonna leave it there, did you? No way. The following 12-step program, devised by yours truly, is not only meant to help heal your soul but also fix your broken bum detector so that you can enjoy happier and healthier relationships. Are they easy? No. But nothing worth doing ever is...

Step 1: Own it, honey! Ain't no shame in the game. Recovery cannot begin if you're still lying like a cheap rug to yourself, friends, and family. Remember, you're the only one who hasn't acknowledged your secret. Everybody else knows. Admission helps you close the door of self denial and open the door to a new beginning.

Step 2: Decide when you're through with unhealthy relationships...and then don't enter into them anymore. If you want to keep on bouncing from joker to joker, then by all means, the choice is yours. But when you finally decide you're through, then live your life in a way that everyone in your life understands bums, players, etc. are no longer acceptable.

Step 3: Clean the skeletons out of your closet. Hell, we all know that bum magnets have loads upon loads of unwanted unnecessary shit in their emotional baggage. The day of denial is over and done. Build up the courage to face it head on and air it out to yourself, to the people involved, or whomever it takes for you to unload your lifetime of crap. Do it now while you are in control of how you handle it, rather than waiting until the shit unexpectedly hits the fan. Shit splatter is no fun to clean up. You want to deal with your mess in "healing" mode, not "survival" mode.

Step 4: Dump the trash. Once you face your issues and get all the crap on the table, then it's time to let it go. Release it. And this is one area where you don't want to "green." Don't store it for recycling. No. You need to go Bernie from Waiting to Exhale and let it burn!

Step 5: And, yes, that means the bum too! While your ridding yourself of all this other stuff, best to get rid of the symptom as well as the disease. You made a bad selection. Big mistake. Now you're gonna try and stick it out? For what? Wait for him to change? Wait until you change? The problem is that you were broken when you picked him and you need time to work on yourself. Besides, I have yet to see two wrongs make a right.

Step 6: Vow to stop dating until you get your picker fixed. Your bum detector needs repaired like a mo' fo' and you've already admitted it. Allow yourself to heal before you start jumping and diving into a new relationship and end up right back where you started. You've been wrong long enough. Time to allow yourself the time to grow so you can get it right.

Step 7: Take inventory of your life--past and present--and make THREE lists. In the first, list qualities that describe who you are. In the second, list qualities of the person you'd like to be (if you don't have anything to put on this list, see Step 1). On the third, make a road map of how you can get to List A to List B. (For example: List one: I'm opinionated. List two: A better communicator. List three: Shut up and listen.) Reward yourself for accomplishments but don't punish yourself for failures. We're all works in progress. Nobody's perfect.

Step 8: Ask your higher power for help and guidance to help you become a better you and fix that damn bum detector. I know what you're thinking. Why isn't this number one? Well, I'll tell you why. I find that folks frequently seek out help from the higher power but don't know what the heck they are asking for. And then the prayer or request gets answered and it's not what you wanted. And you say to God, "Okay, that's what I said, but that's not what I meant." In this list, by the time you get to Step 8, you've examined enough about your own self and issues that you know what to ask for in terms of what you need. I call this engaging in educated prayer.

Step 9: Tap into that inner voice, from whatever your source is, particularly when challenging situations or questions arise, and when it tells you what to do--you damn well better LISTEN to it! Stop ignoring the signs. Stop suppressing that inkling, funny feeling, suspicion, doubt, or other red flag that says, "Run, Forest. Run!" and RUN!

Step 10: Make a list of positive, healthy qualities (i.e., good character, honest, trust-worthy, intelligent) that you need (not want) and then don't effing compromise! Don't ever think you can change someone or turn them into the person you want them to be. Ain't gonna happen. People can only change themselves. You can't do it for them. And if your list starts out with good job, hella money, then please see Step 7, particularly list 1 and 2.

Step 11: Date again...but date slow. Once you have an honest and comprehensive understanding of who you are as a person, you've begun to make substantial changes in your own life and have succeeded enough to be of use to another human being, and you understand what you need from a partner, then open yourself to love again. Don't express date and hop into bed. You should wait a few months. I won't put a deadline on it except to say, you don't need to know everything, but you need to have spent time in his presence to be able to count the time in months and not minutes or hours. In that time you will have witnessed enough to know whether you can kick your relationship into a higher gear...or kick him to the curb.

Step 12: Each one, teach one. Now that you know how to diagnose and recover from a chronic case of bum magnetism, it's your duty and obligation to spread the gospel and save others from this chronic but curable affliction!