She Said...
Dear Rissey and Nissey,
I have been married for five months today. I think it was a big mistake. He lies a lot about everything. I have three kids from a previous marriage, he acts inappropriately around them (swearing, fighting with them). I've started to have feelings for someone who has been interested in me for a long time. This guy is amazing, he is everything that you could ask for in a man. I feel confused and don't know what to do. If I leave my marriage I want to know for sure that it's not because of this other guy. We've been getting lots of counseling, sometimes things seem better, other times they are back to the same old. What do I do????
Additional Details
We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married. He was great with the kids prior to marriage. Yes it was too quick.
I am in no way seeing this other guy.
This marriage was pretty much over before I started talking to this other guy at all. He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest. He's actually helping me on how to handle things to have the least amount of conflict.
I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband.
My ex helps out in every way. I do not need someone to support my children. He actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better.
My ex helps out in every way. I do not need someone to support my children. He actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better.
I'm really not comfortable talking to my kids about what they think. What if they tell me they don't like him and then it ends. Will they feel to blame for the rest of their lives. I listen to them and observe. Don't get me wrong. Their opinion is very important to me, but I'm not sure including them in the decision making is the best way to go about things.
I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.
I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.
Signed
The Ass? Or Green Grass?
I remained single (didn't even date) for 5 and a half years after my first marriage ended. I wanted to make sure I healed completely. I would never jump right into another relationship. I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him. If we were dating it would have been over a long time ago. I take marriage very seriously and want it to work. He says he will try and for a short amount of time he will, but it always goes back to the same old.
Signed
The Ass? Or Green Grass?
We Said
First things first. This is a long ass letter and we thought it would be better to answer this one in stages. Let's start at five and a half years ago. Now, we don't know a thing about your first marriage, but we would bet mama's girdle that he's a lot like the second fool. While we commend you for taking five and a half years off before dating, here's the problem: You didn't work on yourself and your issues.
How do we know?
Husband number #2.
You're a bum magnet. Plain and simple. You just have an extended waiting period between bums. Whether you stay married or let it go, take some time to work on yourself! See Monday's article on the 12-step recovery program to healthier relationship and follow each step to the letter. You have some issues you need to clean out of your "closet" before you even THINK about getting into another relationship.
Now, let's talk about husband #2. You said: We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married; he lies a lot about everything; he actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better; I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him; if we were dating it would have been over a long time ago.
Hmmm... Besides all of his other issues, sounds to us as if you answered your own question. "If we were dating, it would have been over a long time ago." We got news for you sista--you shoulda dated and it shoulda been over a long time ago. The problem is you didn't take time to get to know him. But why would you do that when you didn't even take time to get to know yourself?
Finally, let's talk about Mr. Grass is Greener. Here's things you need to take note of from your letter. 1 -I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband. You know what this says to us? He doesn't want you! He's had a chance to start a relationship with you and never took it. Then you said, "He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest." Any man who really wants to be with you, will not and we repeat--will not--want your marriage to work. No. He's probably trying to be a friend and you've caught of case of superhero syndrome, mistaking his kindness for a desire to be with you. The larger problem is that he sees how eff'ed up you are and if he picks you that will make him a bumette magnet and you don't need to be with him anyway. In addition, with you dumping all of your issues on his lap, there isn't any room for your ass. If you ever want to be with him, you better work on yourself and let him fall in love with the you in recovery, not the you in crisis.
Get off the short bus, honey! Take some time, work on you. If you're in counseling, you better work on yourself first before you even think about trying to fix a marriage that shouldn't exist in the first place.
If you have a relationship issue, problem, or challenge that you'd like our help with, please email your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.
Dear The Ass? Or Green Grass?,
First things first. This is a long ass letter and we thought it would be better to answer this one in stages. Let's start at five and a half years ago. Now, we don't know a thing about your first marriage, but we would bet mama's girdle that he's a lot like the second fool. While we commend you for taking five and a half years off before dating, here's the problem: You didn't work on yourself and your issues.
How do we know?
Husband number #2.
You're a bum magnet. Plain and simple. You just have an extended waiting period between bums. Whether you stay married or let it go, take some time to work on yourself! See Monday's article on the 12-step recovery program to healthier relationship and follow each step to the letter. You have some issues you need to clean out of your "closet" before you even THINK about getting into another relationship.
Now, let's talk about husband #2. You said: We only knew each other for 4 months before we got married; he lies a lot about everything; he actually moved into my home, and doesn't make the financial situation any better; I realize now that I didn't take enough time to get to know this guy before I married him; if we were dating it would have been over a long time ago.
Hmmm... Besides all of his other issues, sounds to us as if you answered your own question. "If we were dating, it would have been over a long time ago." We got news for you sista--you shoulda dated and it shoulda been over a long time ago. The problem is you didn't take time to get to know him. But why would you do that when you didn't even take time to get to know yourself?
Finally, let's talk about Mr. Grass is Greener. Here's things you need to take note of from your letter. 1 -I've known this other man a lot longer than I've known my husband. You know what this says to us? He doesn't want you! He's had a chance to start a relationship with you and never took it. Then you said, "He wants whats best for me, and wants my marriage to work if it's in my best interest." Any man who really wants to be with you, will not and we repeat--will not--want your marriage to work. No. He's probably trying to be a friend and you've caught of case of superhero syndrome, mistaking his kindness for a desire to be with you. The larger problem is that he sees how eff'ed up you are and if he picks you that will make him a bumette magnet and you don't need to be with him anyway. In addition, with you dumping all of your issues on his lap, there isn't any room for your ass. If you ever want to be with him, you better work on yourself and let him fall in love with the you in recovery, not the you in crisis.
Get off the short bus, honey! Take some time, work on you. If you're in counseling, you better work on yourself first before you even think about trying to fix a marriage that shouldn't exist in the first place.
If you have a relationship issue, problem, or challenge that you'd like our help with, please email your letter to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.
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