She Said, We Said - The Thrill is Gone!

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey

Have known and been with my fiance for 3 years, been living together for 2 years.... we are both 25, have had ups/downs, but he says he wants to build a future w/ me. Recently one of his friends told me he's been lying about a lot of things. (He has a friend of 10+ years who is coincidentally a distant relative of mine, so this person is looking out for family, not causing problems)

Apparently the first year or two we were together he was still seeing and contacting exes, hitting on them and talking about how much he missed them, said all kinds of personal and insulting things about me every time we were having problems. He ALWAYS told me that he had NO contact with his exes, a few times one of them started calling him 5 times a week out of the blue and he PROMISED me he had no idea why, but it was bc he was still talking to her and making it sound like we were miserable and about to break up.

He was signing up on dating sites, making profiles where he listed himself as single, inviting other girls over (while we were living apart) to watch movies etc, kissed another girl at a party, the DAY AFTER my mom died unexpectedly he was at MY HOUSE writing to one of his exes on my laptop about how he "just got out of a relationship" and his life sucks (basically baiting her), etc.

This is all totally unbelievably sleazy and disturbing to me.... I confronted him about everything and he denied it all for a few months, but after being pretty much cornered he admitted to everything and said he "didn't know what he wanted" but that all stopped a year ago and now he just wants me.

WTF???

So my whole idea of our relationship is changed. I feel like I'd be f*cking myself over to marry or stay with this guy in the longrun. We have been really happy for the last year, talking about buying a home and having kids etc, but now I don't even want to look at him. He says I should be able to get past it because it was all over a year ago.

I thought he was what I wanted, he has a very good job, has made personal sacrifices for me, we have the exact same goals, everything important in common, I have never been as happy with anyone else but now it's just painful and sh*tty. Is it possible he really changed, and can this be worked through? :(

Signed

The Thrill is Gone!

We Said . . .

Dear Thrill is Gone,

Girl, we feel your pain. Always tough to find out the man you've invested your love, trust, and time into is a lying, cheating bastard. Hitting up exes, flirting with other women behind back, just being a total dawg. We hate dawgs. And it sounds like that's how you feel about him right about now. We don't blame you. You could walk away this minute and no one would blame you.

With that said, we have a few cold hard facts to share. First, we've never met a man who didn't lie. Never met one who didn't flirt behind their woman's back when they were unsure of how they felt about a relationship. If you break up with this one, nine times out of ten you're going to run into the same thing again with someone else. It's just a fact of life. The real question is whether the goodwill he's built over the last year is enough to overcome the two years he effed up. Is what you have with him today worth saving?

Normally, we would be the first to tell you to leave, but based on what you said, there is a small chance that he has changed for the better. There's only one way to find out though. Make him prove it. Actions speak louder than words. Is he being sneaky? Hiding his phone from you? Disappearing for lengths of time where he won't respond to you? Have you caught him in any lies? Does he respect you and take care of you? Do engage with his family and friends? Is he open with his feelings? Does he invest quality time in you? If the answer to any of these questions is negative, then you probably want to walk away. But if your answers are ALL positive, it may be that he's really learned his lesson and is trying to be the man you need him to be.

At the end of the day, you have to follow your heart. Don't stay if you can't forgive him. You will both be miserable and you'll be so full of resentment for his wrongdoings, you will be BOTH be unhappy. You don't want to make yourself unhappy for his mistakes. But if you can forgive--make him suffer--but then move on. Your love may be stronger for it in the end.

Best of luck to you.

If you have any questions for Rissey and Nisey, please contact us a SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

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Top Secret--For Men Only: Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win an Fight with Your Mate

Fellas, I'm gonna take a hit for this one, but--unlike Fox News--I'm fair and balanced. I pride myself on it.

If you ask most people how to win a fight with a woman, most women will simply say, "You can't." Women have so much trickery in their emotional toolboxes that when you defeat one tactic, she's got five more she can launch at any given moment. Most of the time, when men argue with women, the attempt to win only leads to anger, frustration, and ultimately defeat.

Well, I'm here to tell you that if you pull your balls out of your back pocket and heed my Top 5 tips for winning unfairly, your time to bask in the glow of sweet victory is just one good argument away.

1. Stand your ground, no matter how wrong you are. Don't waver for one iota of a second. And most importantly, don't be swayed by tears. Nothing frustrates a woman more than a man who won't bend to her will. We hire hit men for men like this. The longer you stand your ground, the more likely we are to fold in frustration and give you the silent treatment--and if she shuts up, you win, right? I would suggest you use a little caution with this method. Sleep with one eye open...and feed any food she cooks to the dog first...just in case.

2. Don't engage. Listen, an argument can only escalate if both parties feed into it. Otherwise, it's just one person having a psycho rant. If you don't want to argue, just say, "you win!" and walk away to fight another day. This will piss her off because she wants to EARN the title of winner, she doesn't want you to give it to her. She wants to outwit you and out talk you. Without a fight, she can't win. Plain and simple.

3. Abandon Logic. Fellas, fellas, fellas. Why do you try to use reason to argue with arguably some of the most emotional and irrational creatures on planet earth? You try to state facts to prove your case as if you're in a court of law, when reason doesn't carry any weight whatsoever in the court of girlfriend. Plain and simple fact. If she takes the subject off track, then you do the same. If she talks in circles, you talk in circles. She knows crazy when she hears it, she invented crazy. So, dishing crazy back to her will definitely make her take a moment's pause and frustrate her to the point where she gives up the fight.

4. Interrupt her...constantly. Stay stupid stuff. Laugh. Ooooh. Just thinking about it ticks me off, but it's effective. Nothing frustrates a woman more than her inability to share her complete thoughts. That frustration usually will end up in her giving up and giving you the silent treatment. You're argument won't be finished by a long shot but it will give you time to formulate a solid rebuttal when it's time to fight again.

5. Compare her to an ex-girlfriend or worse--her mother. Okay, if you want to know the negative effects of this tactic please see the last two sentences in Tip #1. You may not live to fight another day. Don't say I didn't warn you. But nothing will shut a woman down faster than tapping into her insecurities and comparing her to your past woman or the one woman she's sworn she'll never be like--her mother. We all want to think we're unique, special, and the only one you think about. Telling us we're like anyone--with the exception of maybe Oprah--will definitely throw her off guard so you can win the fight.

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
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Teen Said, We Said: He's Not Too Old for Me!

This is our first advice to a teenager. We're going to make this a new feature as letters become available.

Teen Said . . .

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

I started dating a senior recently. I'm 14....he will be 18 in December. We used to talk like friends but then he asked me out and said he broke up with his previous senior girlfriend for me....so whenever I tell someone they think it's so weird for a freshman to date a senior. So can u tell me what so wrong??!! And I'm pretty sure he doesn't want sex considering the fact he's 6hrs away....and he doesn't want anyone to know but us two....which I agreed because I feel the same. But we [agreed that we] can tell close friends and when I did they gave me a weird look.....so please tell me what's so wrong about it??

Signed

He's Not to Old for Me

We Said . . .

Dear He's Not too Old,

Four years age difference isn't a lot in adult years but in the world of teens it makes more of a difference than you'll ever realize. It's partially about age, but it's more about maturity level. You are just beginning to understand boys and relationships and he's moving into adulthood, where he's not only going to explore mature relationships, he's moving onto the next phase of his life--work or college. And if he's not, you don't need to be bothered with that joker anyway.I would also like to add that in many (dare I say most) states, he can go to jail for engaging in sexual activity with a minor (statutory rape). So, your parents aren't the only ones who will oppose this match--the law agrees. This is likely the reason he wants to keep it a secret.

Understand that right now your body is surging with hormones and you probably won't think rationally until you turn forty. This is a fact to which we can personally attest. Everything is so urgent and you're so full of passion at 14. You want to be loved and adored--a boyfriend (not a man friend). And then who enters your life but this almost 18 year old guy giving you all the attention you think you want and need.

Think about this for a moment though. When he graduates and hopefully goes to college, what do you think will happen when he meets college girls and starts to party? Gets engrossed in his school work? Your relationship with all this fire and desire will end as fast as it started--he'll move on. You'll be brokenhearted and fall in love with another guy a week later (maybe two). This is just growing up and the way life is supposed to be.

Get off the love short bus, sweetie! Date people closer to your age. The closer they are to your age the more likely it is you'll be experiencing the same phases of your lives together. One person won't be way further ahead of the other. After you turn 18, you can date whomever you choose. For now, it's best to leave this guy alone and realize it's not the end of the world. Your life is just beginning. You've got a long way to go.

If you'd like Rissey and Nisey to answer your relationship question, please write us at SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Top Secret--For Women Only : Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win a Fight with Your Mate (Pt. 1)

(Sorry, I'm off schedule, but I was forced to heed the call of the nine-to-five. Better late than never...right? :) Enjoy!)

You're in the heat of battle. You and your mate are going head-to-head and toe-to-toe in the ultimate battle for household supremacy. It's all out war. You've battened down the hatches and dug in your heels, determined that your crafty female guile will arm you well enough to help you emerge the victor. And to your surprise (because it doesn't happen often) he's getting the upper hand, making valid arguments and--OMG--has somehow managed to create the illusion that he's right and--dare I say it--you're wrong.

Oh we can't have that! No, no!

You hate to lose fights. You hate to be wrong. It's not in your genetic make up to apologize to a man for anything, no matter how wrong you may be. And I for one, don't think you should ever have to. Apologizing gives the illusion of fairness and balance. But I say women, as the givers of life to men and women alike, have the unmitigated right to win every argument. If mothers endure hours of painful labor to give birth to men--pushing a child the size of a cantaloupe out a tube the size of a cardboard toilet paper insert--every man owes it to her and every woman he ever comes in contact with to let them win arguments. Fair is fair.

Unfortunately, most men do not prescribe to this theory.

So, ladies, at the moment the moment you feel like you've nearly been argued into submission and are ready to concede the battle, here are 5 things you can do to swing the momentum back in your direction.

1. Cry. The oldest trick in the book and you don't need a real reason. Just cry. Nothing sucks the testosterone from the core of a man quite like watching water cascade down his woman's cheeks. While it usually only takes a few drops in the corners of your eyes to make him faulter, an all out waterfall with heaving will ensure you win this battle royale and might get you a dinner and a gift too. Men hate to see women they care about cry. Hate it. Why? Because they can't fix tears with a hammer, screwdriver, or any other way except to admit defeat. Gotta use this one sparingly ladies! Too many manipulative tears could eventually send him fleeing for the hills...or that cute new next door neighbor.

2. Dredge up the past. Oh, ye of many memories. Women are like mistake repositories. We might forgive...for the moment. But we never forget. We file the mistakes, especially the big ones, for future use. Like when we're at the losing end of the battle. No easier way to prove your case than to state and then restate the err of his past ways. He'll let you win just to get you to shut up and let it go. However, you must be careful not cast stones if your house can be cleaned with Windex. Glass houses are not only fragile...but unless you're blind, most people can see right though them.

3. Talk in circles. Blather, blather, blather. Be as confusing as possible. Be evasive. Change the subject multiple times so he forgets what you started arguing about in the first place. After a thirty minutes of this, he'll move mountains (or concede battles) so he won't have to hear voice saying any words that won't result in sex or dinner.

4. Stack the charges. Frequently we'll let our men off the hook for a small infraction when we're not in the mood to argue or fight. When you're losing a battle, this is the time to dig deeply into your repository and pull all unused material. If you can't win the fight with a good tactical argument, overwhelm him with so many he'll let you win out of sheer guilt.

5. You better call on Aunt Flo (sung in the voice of Erykah Badu). Yes, PMS is one of your best friends in an unfair fight. Men deplore the thought of women menstruating...or even the thought that they're about to. They know you're cranky, achy, bleeding profusely, and you plug things into places they once loved but now fear to tread. Bowl over in pain from cramps and they'll cower and run for three-to-five days. This should give you sufficient time to come up with an air-tight counter-argument and win another day!

Next up: Top Secret--For Men Only: Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win a Fight with Your Mate (I could lose my woman card for this...but fair is fair...)

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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Weekly Words of Wisdom

"Your true soul mate will love the hurt away, not hurt the love away. " ~ Mama Tyson

Follow me on Twitter: @Karlab27
Facebook Page: KL Brady
Website: www.klbradyauthor.com
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She Said, We Said - Abused and Confused

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey,

Long story short, in 2007, I went out with a guy for 6 months and I was terrified for my life. I was beaten up almost every week and was told I was ugly, etc. Since then I have not been in another relationship but guys have shown their interest in me, and I turned them down because I'm scared. I'm now 22, please help me. I've also seen a psychologist to try and help but idk what else to do.


Signed

Abused and Confused

We Said...

Dear Abused and Confused,

Honey, why on God's green earth are you trying to rush into another relationship? The fact is, you shouldn't even be thinking about a relationship, rather you should be working on yourself to determine what inner issues you have that led you to get into a relationship with a guy who abused you. Until you resolve those issues, until you have forgiven him and yourself, until you've regained trust in your own instincts and gained confidence in yourself and your ability to choose the right people, until you have a life that does not revolve around whether or not you have a boyfriend, the LAST thing you need to do is get into a relationship with another person toting all this baggage.

We don't understand why it has become so taboo to take some time for yourself. We're not gonna lie, at your age we were idiots. Absolute idiots. If we had taken half the energy that we used to try and find a man to accomplish my own goals, we would be so much further ahead today than we are. Do you have a passion in life? Are you in school? Do you have other interests? Do you have a job? These are the things that you should be worried about right now. Don't try and find a man. Take a class. Go to church. Focus on getting your next promotion at work, or finding a new job that allows you to use the gifts God gave you.

This is the time to pour your energy into becoming a better you. You will find that when you focus your attention on yourself and you feel good about who you are, you won't have to try and find the right guy because he will find you. And you'll know he's a good person by how he treats. He won't seek to control you. He won't put you down. He'll honor and respect you. He will enhance your life, not try to run your life.

Get off the love short bus, honey! Until you understand your inner issues that allowed you to attract the abusive guy and keep him in your life, then, we can promise you one thing, you will continue to attract the same kind of abusive relationships over and over and over again. Period. You can't erase your past, but you can learn from it and move on.

Move onward and upward!

If anyone else has relationship issues you'd like us to address, please send your email to SheSaid_WeSaid@authorklbrady.com.

Think You're Ready to Love Again? Answer These 6 Questions Before Taking the Leap

Maybe you've taken a break from dating for a while because you've been hurt. Maybe you're a recovering bum magnet who has taken the necessary time to heal your wounds so that you can be the best version of yourself when you begin a new relationship. Whatever your situation, your time off must include some time to assess whether you're really ready to get back in the game.

Far too frequently, you judge whether it's time to get back into a relationship based on whether someone is showing romantic interest in you or how you feel about someone else, rather than determining if you've really addressed your own issues sufficiently well enough to sustain a healthy relationship. Fact is, if you don't put the work in on those issues, you are doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over again. These issues are like dandelions. The only way to rid yourself of your emotional "weeds" is to kill them at the root, otherwise they will keep rearing their ugly heads until you do.

The following are 6 questions you must ask yourself (and answer honestly) before trying to start a new relationship.

1. Have you forgiven those who have caused you hurt in the past? When people do us wrong, we often have the tendency to hold onto our pain. We relive the hurt over and over again, as if our pain is more valid if we don't let it go. We fail to realize that we don't punish the other person, rather we punish ourselves by clinging to toxic feelings. Forgiveness is or us just as much or more than it is for those who wrong us. We have to embrace forgiveness to sustain happy relationships.

2. Do you communicate effectively? Can you listen without judging or attempting to turn your partner's words against them? Can you express your feelings without blaming or accusing your mate? In order to be in healthy happy relationships, we have to not only be able to speak our truths and share our feelings, but listen to what other people have to say--and listen without forming your rebuttal arguments to what they're trying to share.

3. Do you have a life? One of the worst things we can do as humans is make another person the absolute center of our universe. We live to make other people happy and take care of them, and we lose ourselves in someone else's life. Then when we're not fulfilled or unhappy, we blame them for our unhappiness when it's not their fault, it's our fault. The best thing we can do in our relationships is maintain our individuality, our own interests, hobbies, and activities. We need our own space in which we can truly be the best version of ourselves. If we are our best alone, then we will enhance the life of someone else without being consumed by their life.

4. Have you severed ties with your ex's? Yeah, I know. You keep one or two around for an ego boost or late night booty call right? You're all adults. Nothing wrong with that, right? The problem with keeping your ex's in your life is that they may not let go when you need them to. The last thing your new mate wants to deal with is a former boyfriend or girlfriend who calls at all times of the night, doesn't respect the boundaries of the new relationship, or refuses to let go. You need to handle that business BEFORE you even think about bringing someone new in your life. You say, "But that means I'll have to actually spend time...ALONE." Yep. Sure does. Get over it and let them go. If you can't spend time alone with yourself, why should anyone else want to be with you?

5. Are you afraid to love or to trust? If so, you don't even need to think about getting into a new relationship. What you need to do is explore the root cause of your fear and trust issues, and more often than not they are usually linked. We usually fear pain and often those who cause us pain have done so by breaching the established trust in the relationship, by cheating, physical and emotional abuse, etc. Fear and lack of trust form unhealthy relational foundations and if you have a faulty foundation, the relationship is doomed to fail. Don't think you can carry your baggage into the relationship and build the trust as you go along. No, you need to walk into the new relationship baggage free in order to give your new mate and your new relationship the best chance for success. Let your new mate make their own mistakes, do not punish them for mistakes made by people in your past.

6. Do you believe you're worthy of a happy and healthy relationship? Understanding your self esteem and self worth is so critical to relationships. Healthy self image ensures that you pick emotionally healthy people OR catch your mistakes quickly so you don't invest years of your life in the wrong people. Most people will say they are worthy but far too often we don't really believe we're worthy. We suffer from self esteem issues, whether they be related to body image or career success. If you've got work to do on yourself, then finish that work before you even try to get into a new relationship. Your insecurities will only serve to bog down your mind...and your new mate.