Saturday, September 17, 2011

Top Secret--For Women Only : Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win a Fight with Your Mate (Pt. 1)

(Sorry, I'm off schedule, but I was forced to heed the call of the nine-to-five. Better late than never...right? :) Enjoy!)

You're in the heat of battle. You and your mate are going head-to-head and toe-to-toe in the ultimate battle for household supremacy. It's all out war. You've battened down the hatches and dug in your heels, determined that your crafty female guile will arm you well enough to help you emerge the victor. And to your surprise (because it doesn't happen often) he's getting the upper hand, making valid arguments and--OMG--has somehow managed to create the illusion that he's right and--dare I say it--you're wrong.

Oh we can't have that! No, no!

You hate to lose fights. You hate to be wrong. It's not in your genetic make up to apologize to a man for anything, no matter how wrong you may be. And I for one, don't think you should ever have to. Apologizing gives the illusion of fairness and balance. But I say women, as the givers of life to men and women alike, have the unmitigated right to win every argument. If mothers endure hours of painful labor to give birth to men--pushing a child the size of a cantaloupe out a tube the size of a cardboard toilet paper insert--every man owes it to her and every woman he ever comes in contact with to let them win arguments. Fair is fair.

Unfortunately, most men do not prescribe to this theory.

So, ladies, at the moment the moment you feel like you've nearly been argued into submission and are ready to concede the battle, here are 5 things you can do to swing the momentum back in your direction.

1. Cry. The oldest trick in the book and you don't need a real reason. Just cry. Nothing sucks the testosterone from the core of a man quite like watching water cascade down his woman's cheeks. While it usually only takes a few drops in the corners of your eyes to make him faulter, an all out waterfall with heaving will ensure you win this battle royale and might get you a dinner and a gift too. Men hate to see women they care about cry. Hate it. Why? Because they can't fix tears with a hammer, screwdriver, or any other way except to admit defeat. Gotta use this one sparingly ladies! Too many manipulative tears could eventually send him fleeing for the hills...or that cute new next door neighbor.

2. Dredge up the past. Oh, ye of many memories. Women are like mistake repositories. We might forgive...for the moment. But we never forget. We file the mistakes, especially the big ones, for future use. Like when we're at the losing end of the battle. No easier way to prove your case than to state and then restate the err of his past ways. He'll let you win just to get you to shut up and let it go. However, you must be careful not cast stones if your house can be cleaned with Windex. Glass houses are not only fragile...but unless you're blind, most people can see right though them.

3. Talk in circles. Blather, blather, blather. Be as confusing as possible. Be evasive. Change the subject multiple times so he forgets what you started arguing about in the first place. After a thirty minutes of this, he'll move mountains (or concede battles) so he won't have to hear voice saying any words that won't result in sex or dinner.

4. Stack the charges. Frequently we'll let our men off the hook for a small infraction when we're not in the mood to argue or fight. When you're losing a battle, this is the time to dig deeply into your repository and pull all unused material. If you can't win the fight with a good tactical argument, overwhelm him with so many he'll let you win out of sheer guilt.

5. You better call on Aunt Flo (sung in the voice of Erykah Badu). Yes, PMS is one of your best friends in an unfair fight. Men deplore the thought of women menstruating...or even the thought that they're about to. They know you're cranky, achy, bleeding profusely, and you plug things into places they once loved but now fear to tread. Bowl over in pain from cramps and they'll cower and run for three-to-five days. This should give you sufficient time to come up with an air-tight counter-argument and win another day!

Next up: Top Secret--For Men Only: Top 5 Ways to Unfairly Win a Fight with Your Mate (I could lose my woman card for this...but fair is fair...)

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