Wednesday, September 21, 2011

She Said, We Said - The Thrill is Gone!

She Said...

Dear Rissey and Nisey

Have known and been with my fiance for 3 years, been living together for 2 years.... we are both 25, have had ups/downs, but he says he wants to build a future w/ me. Recently one of his friends told me he's been lying about a lot of things. (He has a friend of 10+ years who is coincidentally a distant relative of mine, so this person is looking out for family, not causing problems)

Apparently the first year or two we were together he was still seeing and contacting exes, hitting on them and talking about how much he missed them, said all kinds of personal and insulting things about me every time we were having problems. He ALWAYS told me that he had NO contact with his exes, a few times one of them started calling him 5 times a week out of the blue and he PROMISED me he had no idea why, but it was bc he was still talking to her and making it sound like we were miserable and about to break up.

He was signing up on dating sites, making profiles where he listed himself as single, inviting other girls over (while we were living apart) to watch movies etc, kissed another girl at a party, the DAY AFTER my mom died unexpectedly he was at MY HOUSE writing to one of his exes on my laptop about how he "just got out of a relationship" and his life sucks (basically baiting her), etc.

This is all totally unbelievably sleazy and disturbing to me.... I confronted him about everything and he denied it all for a few months, but after being pretty much cornered he admitted to everything and said he "didn't know what he wanted" but that all stopped a year ago and now he just wants me.


So my whole idea of our relationship is changed. I feel like I'd be f*cking myself over to marry or stay with this guy in the longrun. We have been really happy for the last year, talking about buying a home and having kids etc, but now I don't even want to look at him. He says I should be able to get past it because it was all over a year ago.

I thought he was what I wanted, he has a very good job, has made personal sacrifices for me, we have the exact same goals, everything important in common, I have never been as happy with anyone else but now it's just painful and sh*tty. Is it possible he really changed, and can this be worked through? :(


The Thrill is Gone!

We Said . . .

Dear Thrill is Gone,

Girl, we feel your pain. Always tough to find out the man you've invested your love, trust, and time into is a lying, cheating bastard. Hitting up exes, flirting with other women behind back, just being a total dawg. We hate dawgs. And it sounds like that's how you feel about him right about now. We don't blame you. You could walk away this minute and no one would blame you.

With that said, we have a few cold hard facts to share. First, we've never met a man who didn't lie. Never met one who didn't flirt behind their woman's back when they were unsure of how they felt about a relationship. If you break up with this one, nine times out of ten you're going to run into the same thing again with someone else. It's just a fact of life. The real question is whether the goodwill he's built over the last year is enough to overcome the two years he effed up. Is what you have with him today worth saving?

Normally, we would be the first to tell you to leave, but based on what you said, there is a small chance that he has changed for the better. There's only one way to find out though. Make him prove it. Actions speak louder than words. Is he being sneaky? Hiding his phone from you? Disappearing for lengths of time where he won't respond to you? Have you caught him in any lies? Does he respect you and take care of you? Do engage with his family and friends? Is he open with his feelings? Does he invest quality time in you? If the answer to any of these questions is negative, then you probably want to walk away. But if your answers are ALL positive, it may be that he's really learned his lesson and is trying to be the man you need him to be.

At the end of the day, you have to follow your heart. Don't stay if you can't forgive him. You will both be miserable and you'll be so full of resentment for his wrongdoings, you will be BOTH be unhappy. You don't want to make yourself unhappy for his mistakes. But if you can forgive--make him suffer--but then move on. Your love may be stronger for it in the end.

Best of luck to you.

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